Feeling a bit sad and numb but we won’t know anything more until tomorrow.

On the positive side Gary is coming around. Slowly but surely.

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Yesterday I ran into my husband’s very good friend whom I have not seen in 11 months. He later told my husband that his wife is pregnant with their 4th child. God bless her — how does she do it? I used to wish for 4 children but the idea of pregnancy and it’s processes does not sit well with me. I have been extremely ill for both of my pregnancies and put on medication (that chemotherapy patients take for nausea) for this last one as I was vomiting and tearing my esophogus for almost the full 9 months. Pregnancy, this wonderful miracle, debilitates me. With the age my children are now and with their specific emotional needs that are unique to us, plus my recent discovery of some hormonal issues that are just now getting regulated with medication, I am finally at a place to say that I physically feel very well for the first time in 3.5 years. But even still, hearing about a miraculous pregnancy, knowing I have 3 friends about to give birth shortly, does give me pause. But then my mind wanders to my own thoughts of this special secret we have not shared fully yet. Yes, birth is truly is a miracle and I do feel blessed to have experienced the miracle of pregnancy and birth twice in my life. And now I’m eager to experience a different kind of miracle.

Well, on the update side, Gary did talk to his friend yesterday about our possible plans. I guess it was tit for tat. You tell me you are expected your 4th child and I’ll tell you that we are considering adoption. Gary did say that “we” are considering, not what I had feared he would say “Stephanie wants …” His friend said that adoption is something he could never do, “it’s not his own kid, etc etc” and I was amazed at the pretty impactful and smart responses Gary gave. (I was not there but Gary told me what he said.)

Two days ago a dresser for my youngest daughter arrived from Pottery Barn Kids. I love that store. It is an espresso brown. Looks beautiful with her pink room. But will also look equally lovely with a beautiful blue. My two girls are also eager to get bunk beds and share a room soon. I am putting this off for safety reasons now, but in terms of space in this small but cozy and warm house of ours, I think we can make this work.

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There will be challenges in all our lives.

Is a biological child a GUARANTEE that everything will go according to plan? Almost every family I know of has experienced their share of black sheep or addiction or mental illness or physical illness or teenage angst. A biological child is not a guarantee at all but you take who you are blessed with and love that child with all you have. The gift is in the giving, not necessarily in what you receive back.

I have been researching so much and have made countless contacts with adoptive parents. All the parents I have met share something very great. Absolute respect for where their child came from, absolute adoration and dedication to bringing this child home and ABSOLUTE OPEN COMMUNICATION FROM DAY ONE about how they came to join their family in such a special way.

I believe that open communication and respect for the child and his differences will help to allay some of the identity issues that may (or may not) come into play later on their life. I have a friend who says he is unbelievably grateful to his parents for adopting him. He has never had a problem growing up knowing he was adopted, no teenage issues to speak of and has never had a problem talking about it with others. I grew up with a friend on my block who was adopted and there was nothing different about her compared with her sister (biological daughter.) I see her all the time now as her daughter goes to my daughter’s school. Another perfectly lovely woman! I say these specificities not to point out how normal these adopted people are, but to point out how normal IN GENERAL they are. Their adoption stories having nothing negative to do with how they lead their lives. In fact, thoughts of or talk of their adoption rarely has come up at all. Not because they are not open with me because certainly they are open to the topic, but more so because their adoption has not defined them in how they live their lives. They are just part of their family. If anything I would imagine it would make them more sensitive and compassionate and perhaps even more thankful, but that is just my own thought.

I feel that there is something about me that makes me suitable to be an adoptive parent. After all, there is the smallest percentage of people in my personal circle who would ever even entertain the idea of it and no one yet in my circle who actually wants to join me in this venture. I am not a romantic about this. I am CERTAIN there will be hard work involved to help our child acclimate, etc, but I am also certain that I am a perfect candidate because I believe in open communication and practice it daily and because I am a firm believer (and practice this in my own life on all levels) of getting outside help and resources when needed — and immediately. I am also hopeful that with the help of a reliable International Adoption specialist on our team, we will avoid many of the high risks associated with these concerns. I believe every single child deserves a family. That is, after all, what this is about fundamentally.

Once again, I received a great letter back from my Georgia friend who thought he was being too harsh on me but in fact was anything but. This is what he had to say:

“You know, Stephanie, a child just needs a family. There is no rule about “looking like” parents to determine successful parent-child interaction! The one problem with the internet is that it has elevated EACH and EVERY opinion to potential “trend” status – in other words, look for a problem in an experience in international adoption you will find it in the millions of postings now available. Ever been to a conference or serve on a panel where you realize that there are true nut cases on it with you? They rant and rave and go on and on about this and that – petty, minor things that they bring up? Well, welcome to the internet. I think that if you are honest with your child from day one that their birth mother was young (you will know such statistics, whether it is accurate or not is another story), and unable to give them what they needed in life – and loved them so much they wanted them to have a better life than she had herself. I bought up a lot of books about the former Soviet Union’s fall, economic disaster and all.

I actually hope that there is a registry one day where birth parents and adopted children from Kazakhstan can reconnect if they want. I want this to quench any thirst that my children have about their past – or whether they have biological siblings. The REALITY, however, is that I have three children whose reality is that they are from Georgia, have two loving parents who would go around the world for them, and who would do anything for them. Whether or not they look like us is not important. I think that a biological child could have feelings that they do not belong – I actually have that experience in my own family with a sister … with her feelings of “not belonging” to our family! Imagine now that an internationally adopted child is reacting only to the symptoms of such a … disorder – and causing millions of potentially wonderful child-family pairings to go unfilled as nervous (understandably) adoptive parents read everything they can find on the internet!

In other words, Steph, at some point you got to go on faith. A faith that you are fulfilling a quest that must be done to complete your family – a gut feeling that you are not complete and that for whatever reason you are being led to one of the farthest places from where you are to fill that void. Once you see that referral, I cannot explain how it all just falls into place. That child becomes YOUR child, and you need to do whatever to bring him home.

I tell you, I had some of these feelings that you are experiencing – and both of us still had lingering worries even as we traveled and met our children! But those babies were depending entirely on us to get our heads in the game and get them to America! There they would have all the chances that life where they were offered so little. In no time, and I mean NO time, look where we are now. I watched my daughter practice for a holiday dance show in town tonight. My son is a whiz at just about everything he does, and our youngest is just eaten up with “cute,” in everything he does. We have talks all the time about how they “did not grow in Mama’s stomach”, and are ready for the next level of questions. I would suggest you befriend some others in Brooklyn who have adopted from Kazkakhstan. There your child will find his “connection”, if he even feels the need for one. We can serve that purpose for you, for that matter! Oddly enough, our oldest children did not seem like they were wallowing in comfort when we were back in Kazakhstan. Sure they were surrounded by people who “looked like” them, but they were in a foreign country, and clung to us closely.

One more thought…As to the grown children who are reacting to looking “different” from their families: They must be reacting to subtle and not-so-subtle reactions from the adoptive family. I can’t imagine how a loving family who are comfortable with themselves would put this on an internationally-adopted child! That child becomes YOUR child. Amazingly, they become so much like you that they become you in a sense …. Some people – some individuals – just have problems with “fitting in”. Add the internet and a convenient “exuse” and probably some unresolved parenting issues and they are scaring away a lot of people from opening up their hearts and homes for a new family member! “

This is from the dad whose family blog I happened to come upon 8 months ago. I feel so very fortunate to have this family on my side now as we continue to explore our options. I also want to share here (because it’s appropos) a comment he left for me earlier on — “The journey is one at once real and transcending. Regardless of whether it is right for you now, or next year, or the year after that, or possibly never, the fact that you minds are considering it at all is a victory for the children and those who care for them who have hope for a forever family.” I appreciate his saying that very much — I appreciate to all those adoptive parents I have spoken to who have also told me not to rush into this, not to push my husband, to be gentle with him, to provide him with information so that we may both come to a decision together. Most of all, I just appreciate the support they gave me for being so bold as to want to open up my heart and home to another child. Not because we feel incomplete but because in fact, we do feel complete and are willing to share our lives with someone else so that they might one day feel this way as well.

Happy Thanksgiving Day! I’m so grateful for all that I have and all that I manifest in my life and so very grateful for my family of 4.

Best,
S

From a speech given by President Theodore Roosevelt in Paris in 1910.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and come short again and again, because there is no effort without great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”

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My dear husband and I celebrated our 10th anniversary yesterday. I recall my wedding day vividly and these ten years have flown by in the blink of an eye. I see the life we have made, the choices we make, the love we have for each other and for our children, and they to us and each other, and I feel so grateful. Despite all the craziness that can often be part of my days, there is also a calm and a contentedness in the feeling of everything right now being just the way it is supposed to be. My cup runneth over.

Peace.

S

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I am sitting here on New Years Eve 2007 in Georgia. Yesterday I had an experience that felt like a dream. Or rather, it was a day in which I had the opportunity to “step into my dream.”

Ten months ago I began a course in which we designed a page called IF I CAN SEE IT I CAN BELIEVE IT. I included pictures of all that I wanted to accomplish in my lifetime — in regards to my home, my health and my future — and it was not without embarrassment or some thought of “yeah, right, this is for someone else’s life, not mine” that I pasted down a photo of Angelina Jolie and her son Pax.

Just days after that I began to make certain realities of those pages — I ordered decorative vases that I wanted, began to eat healthier breakfasts, began to research other options from those pages of dreams, and yet I still sort of glossed over the Angelina photo and all that it encompassed. What was the point of pasting it down then? Well, it was time to at least explore it further.

Nine months ago, in a sort of secretive and quiet endeavor between me and my computer, I began adoption research — agencies, countries, laws, paperwork, dossiers and blogs! Research begat research, it was hard to stop the snowball effect of all the information I was gathering.

It was there that I found the Poston family, mainly because I was attracted to a photo I saw in which their daughter reminded me so much of Emma. This family adopted three children from Kazakhstan in Central Asia, nestled between China and Russia, a country that was becoming very attractive to us in terms of how they care for their children and manage the adoption process.

When late nights of blog reading became too overwhelming and time consuming, I took a slight research break. Then three months ago I picked up where I left off and found their site again. Furthermore, I found the courage to write to them and inquire about their experiences. Over three months I found a family who became my friends.While planning our trip to Tampa and then to Atlanta to visit Gary’s family this week, it became a possibility to spend some time with the Poston family who live near Chattanooga, TN.

And so the day arrived just yesterday. I had a nervous stomach the whole morning, why? I couldn’t get my hair or make up right. What to wear! I plucked too many eyebrow hairs! But alas, we were off.

As we pulled up their long driveway yesterday morning at 11am in rural Ringgold, Georgia, it was surreal to see two large flags on posts flanking their doorsteps, one the American flag and one the blue and yellow Kazakhstan flag. I knew this was the house!

How strange to pull up into the yard and have the dad come out and greet us — a man who has offered me so much insight and support through email for the past three months. How odd to see their three adorable children waving to us from behind the glass door when I have only ever seen their faces on YouTube and their blog. How great to meet the mom who offered me so much information during our own phone conversation a few months back. Yet here they all were in the flesh, moving, living people. It was surreal to realize that thanks to some of the lessons I had learned in my class about making realities of your dreams, I stepped into my dream to see how it felt as I held their adorable Kazak toddler on my lap next to Eden and got the sense of what it would feel like if a boy just like him was my own. I took photos of Emma and Alina, who I swear when you see them, you will see a remarkable resemblance.

We were treated to six hours of Southern hospitality — to my delicious iced tea that was constantly replenished, to a homemade hot meal of lasagna and salad, to desserts that were plentiful. We were treated to the event of seeing the kids get to feed their five goats on their 17 acres of property. They even had another lovely family come visit as well who had adopted two beautiful daughters from Kazakhstan.

My friend Kim said something to me the other day that I didn’t understand at first and didn’t accept. She told me she was so proud of me for doing this. I said what is the big deal, I’m just visiting this family, I have no idea if we really will adopt at all, maybe we’re just visiting people that will simply be friends, who knows. I could just be using this elaborate excuse as a way to make friends. I have always made friends in unusual ways. I played it down because I didn’t think it meant anything as we really are so unsure of all this. I really was just amazed at what technology can do — how it can bridge families from miles away based on a common interest and happy that I am the type of person that would pursue such a connection. But it is with Kim in mind that I write this entry because I am proud of myself for taking such steps to connect with people in such a way. I am proud of myself for being someone who would consider adoption because of all the love I have for my children and for all the sorrow I feel for children who don’t know the love we have. I am proud of my husband, who, although still on the fence, remains so interested and actually enjoyed his time at the Postons and even invited them to have a BBQ with us and even stay in our home if they need to when they visit NYC this summer. I am proud of the people we are who take action and who feel compelled to do so.

I don’t know what the future holds in 2008 and beyond but I do hope that it will be filled with unchartered paths and leaps of faith. And until we know what is truly our path we remain open to explore all our possibilities.

I always do a little writing and self reflection as the ball is close to dropping and these are my thoughts now, in the final hours of 2007. I am so very grateful for all I have and grateful for all the experiences yet to come.

Stephanie

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Months ago this was the date that Gary said he’d be willing to discuss his views on adoption. I waited months for this date. So after midnight tonight we began talking about it — we are total night owls. There is definitely more interest on Gary’s part, but still the same worries and concerns, which of course he recognizes can happen in any family. I decided that since I am not sure of what my legal full name really is (I don’t remember if I kept my maiden name at all) I am going to order copies of my marriage license in the format needed for a dossier. (An International Adoption Dossier is the collection of all paperwork submitted in order to request an international adoption.) If I decide, I might also request some other additional dossier information that would be good to have for my own records too (such as copies of birth certificates, which might be good to have on hand anyway.) These are government documents that would take a long time to get anyway, so it doesn’t hurt to have immediate access to them should we proceed. Since I wouldn’t be ready to “get pregnant” right now anyway, I would not proceed to do anything until Eden turns 3 in April. Gary asked me if when Eden and Emma are older I’m not going to want to go back to the baby stages after having both of them more independent, in school, etc. I have the rest of my entire life, God willing, for independence and the experience of growing children. I don’t feel like the type of person to say at this stage in my life I need free time until 3pm. I am here to be a mom to young children. This is a chaptner in my life that is not forever. But again, I do feel that a larger family in the end is something that would be wonderful for all of us. A little tougher in places like Disney World perhaps, but nothing we can’t handle. No final decisions made right now, but I feel good about the decision to move along in this manner.

Eden wore panties all day today — She said the pull up was uncomfortable when I put it on this morning and she just said “I’m wearing panties today!” I think we’re ready for this stage of her being a big girl. Or rather, we are really ready to commit to it. Both of us!

The post January 10, 2008 appeared first on Stephanie Karp.

She is now mom to three beautiful girls, one just recently born a few weeks ago. Karen is one of my friends whom I had referenced in another post that her impending birth does give me pause, or rather, makes me feel nostalgic.

There is this Portuguese word that I have always loved. I am not sure how it’s pronounced but it’s “saudades.” It means “nostalgia for something that never was.” I have loved this word since I first heard it — I think it can be appropriate for so many situations in which in English there would not exist just one word to describe this sentiment.

Karen is currently breastfeeding her baby which brought us to the topic. It is her third child and it is all going so smoothly and it’s quite calming and lovely for her.

I was a very active breastfeeder for both of my children. 13 months for Emma and a whopping 22 months for Eden. Granted the last 13 months for Eden was about once a day, but still I did it, hoping that this “liquid gold” would actually help Eden gain strength and overcome her hypotonia (low muscle tone) for which she now receives therapies (and is doing SUPER!) I never admitted to anyone that I was breastfeeding Eden this long. I know that many people have gone on longer than I did and there is nothing wrong with it at all. I breastfed in those final months quietly, just a few minutes at the end of the day. But truly, if all “they” say about breastfeeding is true, I was hoping that all this goodness would help my child grow strong.

So the question comes up about how I will feel having a child who I was never able to offer this gift to. I can’t say that there is not a part of me that feels absolved of the responsibility of active breastfeeding because it certainly takes a toll on you. Hormonally, physically, mentally. I do also feel that with the nutrition available to infants in baby houses not being probably as high as our standards, and with what I have read about how babies thrive on formula once at home, I do feel that in this case formula would be this child’s liquid gold.

I, myself, was not breastfed. Nor were many people I know. Many of my friends who have recently given birth have chosen not to breastfeed, or did so for a short time. I think that my not having the opportunity to breastfeed this third child of mine (should we proceed) would just be an opportunity to show me all the other ways to love and nurture and sustain a child.

Karen is really enjoying her chance to nurse a newborn baby again. And I, such a strong proponant of breastfeeding, would never (possibly) have that chance again.

It’s just a fact. I don’t have answers, there is nothing inherently wrong either way. It’s just another way in which the experience of this child joining our lives will be different. Not good or bad, just different than how it was done before. I hope that all my children would be equally healthy regardless of their first nutrients. I do know there are some excellent formulas out there that mimic, to the best of their ability, the componants of breast milk.

I was blessed with the ability to nurse two healthy babies and experience the miracle that only a mom can offer her newborn, but now I’m ready to take on a new experience of providing for my future baby, one in which my entire family can partake in.

I also have given thought to the ‘saudades’ that parents might feel for never having had the chance to hold their baby as a newborn, to shhh their cries and soothe their hurts. There is ‘saudades’ also for their child who went for so long waiting for their family as well.

I do hope that those feelings don’t remain for long and that you become just thankful for the here and now, that this is the moment you move forward as a family, and that all the past experiences you both had were what had to happen to bring you to this moment in time.

And these are my late night musings for tonight. ‘Til next time.

SK

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I went alone as no one would go with me — Well, Gary would have but he had a showcase to attend. A date night with myself — not bad at all. I left early to get a good seat. I was a little disappointed that her reading and Q&A was only 45 minutes total and then it was on to book signing, but I did purchase her memoir and get it signed. While up there, I got up my nerve to take 20 seconds of her time and let her know that we are considering adoption, blah blah blah. Her ultimate reply to me was that “Don’t we all have identity issues to some degree? What is the alternative, to not have a loving family who *wants* you? To stay unadopted?”

She wished me luck and then I was off, to continue my date night and go to one of my favorite local restaurants, where I have never eaten alone before, to find a cozy table for one and begin to read my book while I enjoyed one of their specials and delicious onion bread.

I read 50 pages while at the restaurant, often checking the clock of course to make sure I didn’t go past the babysitter’s curfew. Some people at the table across from me smiled and commented on the book — they too had just been to the reading.

I was mesmerized by the storyline, A.M. Homes’s ease with words, and also happy to actually be quite comfortable dining and reading at my cozy table for one.

I was happy for this night.

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The post Moving Along appeared first on Stephanie Karp.

I’m so happy to have such easy accessibility to the day when we first began our journey to be The Karp Family of 2. There are moments of such pure joy — I hope many more experiences in my life bring me that level of zippity doo dah. And I hope I’m never to shy to show it. Life is good.

Part 1 True Companion by Marc Cohn

Part 2 I Could Not Ask for More by Edwin McCain

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