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Exhausted and emotionally fatigued but happy and relieved. There is a little boy, about 2 years old, who made me cry with joy and relief upon seeing him when they walked him in, a reaction I did not expect to have. I never even cried at the moment of my wedding or births, but this was a relief of built up emotion and relief that he was cute and here in front of me and a feeling in my gut that told me this would all work out.

This is a photo of Gary waiting in front of Almaty’s City Hall right before we headed to the Baby House #3 for the first time.

View out our window of Hotel Kazakhstan — Late afternoon, Monday December 14, 2009

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These notes are transcribed from the paper journal I kept while traveling December 11-12, 2009. (I also updated previous “Meetcha Day” post with a few more details.)

Friday, December 11, 2009 10:42 pm

“Deliver me to safety. Deliver me to safety,” I whisper to myself, as the plane has just lifted off and out my window to the left, across Gary’s sleeping frame (already!), the twinkling golden lights of New York flash and wink.

I have not taken pen to paper in so long, having become quite fond of the soft clickety-clack of my keyboard. But even now, once again, I become more present as write in my fresh new spiral bound notebook.

So nervous for so long, I guess I do feel the peace spoken about from other adoptive parents heading to their children. It didn’t come when I clicked my seatbelt into place, but rather as soon as the plane reached a higher altitude. There was some turbulence upon take-off, perhaps felt more strongly because gary and I are in the last row of this huge Boeing 777. It’s quite nice actually – we are two by ourselves and though it’s the last row, we can recline.

Gary made certain to have a very relaxed schedule today. He was relaxed and jovial and I responded in kind. My testiness from the past few days, a result of short notice to travel, lots to do and very little sleep, slipped away.

Last night I was tying up so many loose endsand got concerned, after looking in the mirror at my graying roots, that there was one more thing I needed to do. So 3:30 am had me waiting in the bathroom with Chestnut goop in my hair and 4 am found me showering it off. The off to sleep and up at 7:20 am.

Adrenaline and a stop at Dunkin’ Donuts for a mocha latte has kept me alive today. I even managed to fit in a haircut.

Once the kids were home, with Gary home too, it was really nice. He felt it too and while still finishing up last minute packing, felt no stress. We actually decorated a gingerbread house today, the first we ever did. Then we did our 3rd night of Chanukah since we’ll be resuming when we get back home.

Once at the airport, Gary’s trepidation over having left the kids became apparent. He realizes it’s best not to take the kids but he feels he didn’t sign up for this part. And it’s true, we always spoke about them going. I was hugging and kissing them all day and while they have verbalized how much they will miss us and wrote us countless letters of which they were so proud, they had had enough of hugging after a while. (Even Eden asked how to spell out all the words in her letter to me about how she will miss us and we will be back soon. She talks about loving the writing center at school and I can see her pride and joy.)

How sweet to bring the kids to my parents and my mom begin to cry right away. Sweeter still was my dad who didn’t let me go when I thought the hug was over, then still didn’t let go and sniffed back his tears. They are just so excited.


Our family good bye hug before my dad took us to the airport

Once at the airport, Gary called his mom and then his Aunt Esther whose words of excitement touch Gary and calm him. In fact, when he was displaying signs of cold feet again, I said “Call Aunt Esther. She puts it all in perspective” And she did — speaking of this special miracle on Chanukah.

Dear Emma and Eden — Our hearts break to not be with you but this will all end in something wonderful for you. What a lucky boy to have such great and loving sisters all his very own! And lucky you to finally be getting a little brother! Sooner than we expected this time. Love, Mommy

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Dear Little Boy – whose face I do not yet know.
Soon we will meet you and you might be very frightened. We will be gentle with you. We will show you how to love, how to be in a family — we will show you the special love that a family shares. You won’t be alone much longer, my dear boy, and yet you don’t know how your life will truly change. Having two wonderful daughters, I always dreamed of the opportunity to raise a son. What an experience it will be to have you in our lives.

Our love will make you shine — your love will make us a family. And as long as it takes for you to connect with us, it’s okay. We aren’t going anywhere.

Whoever you may be, you are already in my heart. I can’t wait to meet you … My baby, my child, grow old along with me, the best is yet to be ….

Love, Mommy and Daddy

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“Gary, let’s hold hands as we head to a land that holds our future.” This time, the take off was smooth and even now, though intensely cramped with a food tray still out with the remains of my in flight Asian cuisine, my money belt cutting off my circulation and my pillow clamped under my arm against my full bladder, I can still say the flight feels fine because I have no worries when there is an absence of turbulence.

We arrived in the Amsterdam airport at 11:30am (local time) after having traveled a red-eye, but only slept at most 1-2 hours. Though I had already decided we’d stay at the airport for the 6 hour and 20 minute layover, it was Gary who insisted we venture out. I was nervous about it but airport staff said, provided we kept tabs of time, we’d be fine. I am so grateful we had the chance to do that for unexpectedly on that layover, a dream came true for me when I got the chance to see where Anne Frank hid.

For any future travelers who might have such a layover, I want to assure you this is doable and works out just fine.

When we got off the plane, we confirmed we were already checked in for the trip to Almaty. We found lockers near the gate we needed to be at later on. Six euros later, all our carry ons were stashed away except for my point and shoot camera and flip video. We purchase train tickets right in the airport round trip for 8 euros each to Central Station.

Like a big yellow monorail, the ride was about 20 minutes long and we arrived at 12:45 pm. Once outside, there we were — in the Amsterdam I’d only read about with shops, canals, boats, hundreds of bikes and riders and a famed scent wafting out from Coffeehouse doorways. When Gary even asked a store worker for directions, he was talking to him with a joint in his fingertips. It was weird to see — the openness, the medical cannibis and “seed” shops everywhere.

We were walking in the right direction towards the Anne Frank House. Had I purchased tickets online we would have walked right in through a special doorway. As it turned out, we had about a 30 minute wait and a quick lunch while doing so. The self guided tour took us about 50 minutes.

To see Anne Frank’s house to me was a supremely special experience. Her quoted words are on the wall — what profound thoughts she had. A video of her father Otto stated how surprised he was at reading it — these deep thoughts were not the daughter he knew and though he and Anne were extremely close, he said perhaps one never knows one’s children.

To walk up those steep creaking stairs to the attic — so steep I kept banging my knees on the steps above me. The windows with black out shades to show how no outside light could appear, the celebrity cut outs and postcards glued to Anne’s walls. the street where she hid in her father’s office is so beautiful – sunny, over looking a canal and small bridges and full of life. To know the horror that lay outside her window, to imagine the panic of hiding in secret and the terror of being found. To know she didn’t make it after all. It was a part of history, and even that of my own childhood history having read her diary many times, that I am glad to have experienced. I am grateful Gary insisted we venture out for this 3 hour round trip jaunt.

By 2:55pm, we began the walk back to the station, passing pleasant streets, taking a few photos.

We got on the train at 3:30 pm and were back to the airport at 3:50 pm and had our bags by 4:10 pm. Ready for the 5:40 pm flight.

I called up my mom and spoke to the kids and boarding was soon after.

It really wound up being perfect for the brief time — to walk on foot on a beautiful and mild Fall-like day in Amsterdam, see the museum and head back. Even the train was pleasant and smooth.

The people in Amsterdam were on the whole very tall. I am used to finding Gary in a crowd very easily — in Amsterdam, his height did not make him stand out. Too many other tall heads, but many blond. 99% of people spoke English so it felt like home.

At boarding time, it was finally my first official glimpse into the Kazakh people. Instead of watching Freestylo on Youtube and homemade videos called “People of Kazakhstan”, here i was with a few hundred of these fine people in person. Gary and I were one of the very few causasian people, certain one of a handful of Americans, if any.

As everyone says, the women are very beautiful, one prettier than the next. Stylish, striking features, high cheekcones, glossy hair, many tall or appointed in boots that make them so. Some young 20-something boys seated across from me are very attractive, slim, low slung jeans, beanie caps. Perhaps I am staring too much but I’m just wondering how my own boy will look, if he is even Asian at all. The woman in front of me has frizzy red hair, bright blue eyes and round Asian features with very high and round cheeks. Her husband almost looks like an Asian version of my father.

I don’t even know what to expect and it’s all okay. I popped in my iPod and inspired myself with an adoption playlist of sorts and I just feel that we have come this far, my attitude is good and open. I think once settled, after showing himself to be adventurous, Gary’s will be too.

I know I am going to crash soon. I slept only an hour before. But I am exhausted beyond belief.

We are heading into another morning so soon we will be 11 hours ahead of my family in New York.

To look behind me on the plane as I write and see a sea of beautiful Kazakh faces is beyond comprehension. I am excited for what will unfold. Cautious too but eager to walk through the next door.

Sunday, December 13, 2009 Hotel Kazakhstan 10:40 am

It’s amazing what sunlight and a great, peaceful buffet breakfast can do to a girl.

Me at my first buffet breakfast at Hotel Kazakhstan after traveling for 25 hours.

Four hours ago, after having arrived in the pitch black of early morning to a strange language and people reaching for my bags yelling “Taxi! Taxi”, we saw our driver holding up a sign with our names. The crowd was so tight, like paparazzi surrounding the red carpet, it almost felt like an attack and I know I ran over some toes with my luggage to get to the man who knew our names. He spoke no English but nodded at us, smiled with his gold teeth and gestured and we followed him. “Emankule” is what his name sounds like, but for all I know it could be entirely different.

In the light of day here in this hotel, I feel so much better than I did upon arrival — tired, nervous, frustrated at the service, at our broken toilet, broken locks, room confusion. In the light of day, I no longer felt afraid, homesick and like crying. We don’t stick out as much as we did at the airport, though I haven’t yet heard non-native English which would be nice around now. A young pretty woman at the dessert bar in the hotel just spoke perfect English to me and my heart delighted. She said “Try these desserts, they are fresh.”

11 am — Met with Tatyana for the first time and were taken to lunch at Venezia though we were so full from the breakfast.

I immediately felt to be in good hands, if not still a bit in the dark about how this was all about to go down.

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Click on photos to enlarge.

Pause playlist at the bottom of my blog to hear these videos — special moments from our first official day of bonding today. After 10 minutes of crying today, Batyr Han finally settled in with us exceptionally well. Enjoy!

Photos taken during Day 1 of Bonding — Tuesday, December 15, 2009 4-6 pm Almaty, Kazakhstan BH #3

I am writing these notes 36 hours after this day happened and though I said I’d remember all the details, it is hard. I can remember that Batyrhan was brought in to see us in a tiny room off of his group’s room. It was a room in between a few rooms and therefore was a passage way for the passing by of caregivers and staff. The room had a desk, and above that was a list of the children in his group and their birthdays. His schedule of classes was also listed. The children get up at 6 am and go to sleep at 9 pm, with a nap from 12-3. They are woken up so early and go to bed so late I guess to allow time for the caregivers to handle the needs of the 8 children. They are fed every 4 hours. I think there is one caregiver and one teacher in his group, though by now it looks like I have seen three different women with him. Or maybe they are all blending in together. Some of them wear medical masks so it’s hard to tell. In the room also is a high up window covered by a gauzy curtain, a small refrigerator and a hot plate. There are also lockers on the walls. The rug is an Oriental style rug. Everything seems overall sparse and clean, though far from modern.

Batyrhan was brought in by a caregiver who held him outward with his back against her chest. When he saw us, the first sign of his distress was a very heavy breathing through his nostrils, as if to try to contain himself. But hold back he could no longer do and he cried and cried and cried. The caregiver, desperate to make him stop, got down on bended knee to where I had laid out some toys on a small child’s wooden table and just started talking to him and bouncing him and shaking toys in his face, and now this one, and squeak this one and here’s this toy and that. All the while Batyrhan was distressed and crying and there was no opportunity, though I was beside them, to do any calm mothering. Finally, our translator said something to her in Russian and the caregiver got up quickly, placed Batyrhan on the floor facing us and quickly hightailed it out of there! She did come back with two candies and one Animal cracker. These candies are such that I would never ever give a child of this age, especially with all the choking fears I have after having witness severe situations with Eden and Emma. The candy was like a very hard caramel, shaped like a small tootsie roll but a very hard chew. He put the whole thing in his mouth and seemed to do fine but my heart was in my throat.

After about 10 minutes of solid crying after which I kept murmuring my concerns over his sadness, he discovered that he loved the Gumball machine toy which spits out the balls when you press a lever, donated to us here by Jen. We taught him how to use it and he eventually got the hang of the process of put balls in, press lever down and back again. He enjoyed the game where Gary would teeter the ball on the edge and then push it in.

We took out many toys but the gumball was a favorite as well as a few finger puppet books. Surprisingly bubbles did not go over so well. He did his heavy breathing a bit and then didn’t look too interested. The balloon was only interesting for a minute. But I also think that, since he liked balloons after Day 2, all this was just because everything was so new and overwhelming, and the room was distracting in a way.

As the photos show, we did manage to get some giggles and smiles from Batyrhan. What a joy to see his little teeth (8 on top and 6 on bottom — 2 molars each on top and bottom). What a joy to see bright eyes and a wide smile and adorable teeth.

I kissed his cheek for the first time today and breathed in, wondering what this boy would smell like and was happy to detect a faint scent of a baby style soap. His face could look cleaner, but he’s also eating candy and cookies. But his hair looks clean and his fingernails look clipped well.

One interesting thing I noted was that I wanted to take a peek and see what his back looked like and when I left up his 3 shirts, he whipped around so fast and pushed my hand away with strength. He did not like the touch of my hand on his bare skin, and yesterday did not like Gary to touch his leg over his tights. (Day 2 was different as he wanted to be tickled.) Soon enough, I was able to blow cool air on his back with my mouth and make him smile (he was probably boiling hot!) and by the very end of the visit, I was able to gently caress the 3 square inches of his lower back while he played happily and ignored my touch. I guess it is all about trust.

When it was time for the caregiver to come take him back, we all waved and said “paka paka” with this little arm flapping up and down. As we gathered our things, he could still see us through the open doorway of his group’s room and we looked back at him looking back at us and his arm flapped back and forth again.

I left there feeling a happiness, a sweet sadness and a relief – this little guy is going to be our boy and it’s going to work out just fine.

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Batyhan sure does enjoy his Papa.

I write this post at 3:30 in the morning after having already slept 8 hours. Our schedule is so off that when we get back from the baby house a little after 6, I am too tired for dinner. I go to sleep happy and peaceful feeling like we hit the jackpot. Sometimes when I review our video, I think to myself — how did i get superimposed into this video, like the countless ones I have seen before of moms bonding with their children? Is this some sort of internet application where I “elfed” myself onto the dancing body of a mom with child. I am still in awe that this is me, that here I am, that I can now look out my window at the darkened mountainous sky of Almaty. I feel so grateful, beyond belief.

Today’s visit began at 3:45pm and ended about 5:40pm. This time we went into the Music Room to meet Batyrhan on the second floor which means we had the opportunity to walk down the halls and up stairs a bit. There are blue mosaic tiles on the floor with more caulking than tile but pretty. There are child friendly painted murals on some walls and Christmas decorations and streamers against the bare white walls. How many children live here, I wonder if I will ever be able to tell. Though I have seen some of the other children in passing and heard a few cries, I don’t know where they are during the time we are with Batyrhan. We have discovered his name is spelled as one word and that the accent is on the “han”. Now we will be able to call him correctly, or at least I hope. We have also discovered that “han” means Sultan of King. He is already a leader with all the wonderful meanings of his name. Hero, Leader, Man of Courage, Dashing Equestrian and now King.

When Batyrhan’s caregiver brought him too us I was struck by his bulky outfit in this hot room. He wore a corduroy jumpsuit over 2 t-shirts and another velour shirt (same as yesterday but looked clean.) Underneath, on his bottoms, he had blue tights (yesterday was orange) and socks and very tight (I loosened the buckle) girls white buckled shoes. When I was fixing his overalls i was able to see that he wears a diaper and over the diaper he also wears a plastic non disposable diaper. He is like a little Michelin man.

Corduroys, blue tights, socks and shoes.

He was walked in to see us yesterday and began to cry. We had already lain out a sheet on the floor with all the toys. He was brought to us and we quietly offered him his favorite ball and game from yesterday. He clutched three animal crackers in his hand. He cried for about 2 minutes this time, compared to 10 from yesterday and 30 from the day before. Soon the balls attracted his attention and he put his cookies down and resumed playing as he did yesterday.

Tatyana had brought us to a pharmacy to purchase medical masks that she said we’d have to wear. Somehow when we arrived, we got away without it and just resumed playing as usual. I want Batyrhan to see our faces so I am so glad we got away for at least today without it.

Let me talk about my dear dear dear Gary. I could say how could I have ever doubted him, but his behavior while here and with Batyrhan goes far and beyond more than I ever could have dreamed up, and perhaps more than he ever could have known himself. His heart has already opened to Batyrhan and I asked him this morning in bed, Do you think you can love him? and he quickly said Yes. Jokingly he told me that he is a good leader and he masterminded this entire plan to make me think that I was the one who thought of adoption but it was really him. In fact he said, you think you’re writing in your blog because you want to. I have masterminded that as well. I know he was joking, but I also know that he has changed his tune and the story of this adoption will be one he will tell with pride as time goes on.

We have found out that Batyrhan is healthy and the only concern he had earlier on was an umbilical hernia which seemed to have already closed. Before even having gotten the medicals, this Little Brother was coming home with us, no doubt. He is 22 lbs.

Yesterday there was a part of me that felt nervous during the first 20 minutes of the meeting. Like I was on a first date and how could I be interesting — should I sing first or read a book or show this toy or that. I know it was overwhelming for Batyrhan – small room, two new humans in his face, calling him in a different language. We were in a room that was a passing point for caregivers, there were cries from his group in the next room and it was distracting. Today, I laid low. In fact, I would say I let Gary take the lead and let the bond between Papa and Batyrhan take its course.

Batyrhan speaks Kazakh and when our translator Alicia spoke to him and told him “give ball to papa” and “sit on papa”, he listened and followed. I have learned a few words as well such as “ma” =take, “tata”=this one, “auter”=sit, “paka paka” – bye and “Jut”=let’s go. Alicia gave me a list of some other key words and I will discover others that I’d like to use with him, like “hug” and “more” and “eat.”

We had the pleasure of meeting and shaking hands with one of his caregivers, Svetlana, who said he is a very smart boy (in Kazakh to our translator.) She also said he was very loved while in the Baby House and is the only boy out of his group — with 7 other girls.

Svetlana, one of Batyrhan’s caregivers, who appears to love him.

Our translator, Alicia, interacting with Batyrhan, held by his caregiver.

Papa, Mama, Svetlana and Batyrhan in front of the lovely curtains of the Music Room.

Overall, while in Kazakhstan, I feel a peace. The system works beautifully — how Tatiana picks us up to help us get our needs met, if any with shopping and such. Even the silence of Emankule in the car, interspersed with his Russian to Tatiana, has become reassuring. I feel part of a well worked machine that is on track and doing it’s thing.

Yesterday was independence day and there are other celebrations over the next few days. Gary and I hope to finally walk again and explore the city. The jetlag is such that we wake up in the middle of the night and are so tired in the morning we can’t get get ready on time to get out and about and then we are waiting for Tatiana’s call in the hotel. We are going to get a cell phone today so we can go take long walks. The weather is mild, warmer than in NY and the other day it was 53 F. On that day, Gary chose to step out of the car to shop in the grocery in only a t-shirt without his jacket and was met by stares from the street as if he had 4 heads. These Kazakhs value warmth and what he did is just not done. We already have a list of local restaurants to try and the mall to visit and hopefully some other cultural things. It’s a pleasure to speak to Tatiana because she is a very smart woman who has traveled all over the world, knows so much about her country’s history and has been able to provide a background of sorts for why we are here in Kazakhstan adopting. She is cryptic and vague about some things too but I have discovered this is just her way.

We miss Emma and Eden very much and love seeing their faces on Skype. At the same time we realize how this could not have happened with them with us as well as we feel it’s going. We know that what we need to do here will only benefit us all when we go home, and my missing them diminishes knowing they are on the other side of the world thrilled with their new little brother and being taken care of extremely well.

Here is a video that speaks volumes about how today went. Please pause my playlist on the bottom of the blog so you can hear Batyrhan speak and giggle. We could not have asked for more.

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