Gary’s obviously on board!

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Recently, I have been concerned when I read that people are choosing Kyrgyzstan now instead of Kaz. A whole new thing I’ll have to learn about perhaps? It’s the possibility of change even at this early stage that causes worry. But what will be will be. Colene said I do not even have to decide now. I want to work with Journey Home. I believe Kaz is the answer for us, despite Colene saying we might have to jump through some hoops that others are no longer willing to jump through. This is going to be some wild ride but soon enough, if this was meant to be, we are going to be on the other side.

What upsets me too is that Gary seems to have finally decided to think about certain health worries I had about 8 months ago. Seems he’s a quite a ways behind me which bothers me because I worked through those worries with great deliberation and desperately tried to educate him at this time, but I guess it was too removed from him at the time and he didn’t grasp it. I reminded him again and again that biology is not a guarantee of health. But at least he’s thinking about all the possibilities now. It brought up excellent conversations and real dialogue. He was also worried about how biological siblings already in the family fare with adoption. Even though I knew the answer from friends who have lived it, I thankfully found real research that gave such positive outcomes. Gary felt he needed to read it and it did make me happy finding what I needed to find.

We spent another wonderful afternoon with the Baia family. Their children are remarkable. The love in this family is strong. They are very well loved and they in turn love back. They are full of life and love and kisses and are very playful. They even seem more vivacious than they were since I made my Memorial Day video. That is what love can do. My kids had a great time with them. Children just need the language of fun and play to get along. When I see Gabi and Yulia and how amazingly resilient they seem to be and how happy to be with a loving family, I do feel that things for us will work out for the best.

Eden, age 3, who loves babies and usually shows such interest in the babies of our friends, has some less than social behaviors at times. It’s the frustrating part of her personality I must embrace the most. She has come such a long way in this regard, but still prefers small groups of people she knows. She has every right to this of course. She’s a real little person who knows exactly what she wants. She has a small circle she feels super comfortable with yet it’s a struggle sometimes to get her to be friendly or engage in group activities. She did have fun today, and after sitting on my lap for quite a long time, eventually began to play and wanted to engage with Gabi, who himself was acting shy in the beginning. It is evident Eden is very in tune with what is going on, with me in general and with conversation between me, Catalina and her husband, because in the car ride home she said she doesn’t want a baby in the house. Not for mommy, daddy, emma or anybody.

What am I gonna do? Most siblings don’t have a say in adding additional children into the family. I am going to have to tread lightly, not talk about this at all in her presence until it can be presented to a big sister-to-be who is almost 4. I used to worry about Emma way back when, but Emma is so gung ho about another person in our family. Emma is wise beyond her years and is proving herself to be so self aware and amazing. I have to admit she was worried about going to our visit today — she was concerned because Gabi didn’t speak English and she thought she’d be bored. But she amazed me and herself with her ability to engage with Gabi, and how playing ball and running around with limited language is just fine when you are 5! I said in 6 months, you are both going to be speaking the same language! She said oh! i was hoping it would be in two weeks!

I am sure Emma’s enthusiam will eventually help Eden come to terms with the fact that, though there will be changes, this is also going to something very special. Emma overheard me and Catalina speaking and said “What is this about? Have you made the decision?” I still said to her “Daddy and I are still talking about it.” It is too far away and too removed yet to begin to talk specifics now.

As much as I spoke openly with her about the decision making, I’m not yet ready to talk to her about The Decision. I am still nervous inside when I think that I have begun the process of what one does AFTER they have made a decision. I am already past that point and it does make me think — Rollercoaster, here we come! Yowzers! When there is more concrete advancement, that will be the time to tell my children in earnest. I also hope that perhaps Eden’s remark was just from an off day. She is a lovable and VERY loyal girl. She, in time, will love her new sibling. I hope that any acclimation won’t take too long. I don’t want her to be a “middle child” — I am going to have to always have Emma and Edn together as Big Girls and Big Sisters so that she always feels part of that special title too. Thankfully her bond with Emma is so strong, and I am probably on the right track to bring a brother into our family so that their sister bond will never falter (I pray!) Their love for each other is really magnificent. How did I bring up sisters who loved each other like this? I think it’s because I have always wished for a sister myself. My friend Kim and her sister are best friends. I think this was always in my head.

Things happen for a reason. When I needed to be reminded again of why I am on this path, I get this strange email. A series of inspirational personalized emails that I signed up for and I receive a few times a month. This is the one that came today:

There’s a reason you chose earth, Stephanie, exactly when you did, being exactly who you are, with those already in your life, and those who soon will be: to be an example, to shine your light, and to give hope.

The Universe

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This morning Gary and I had an active discussion about sleeping arrangements. Eden and Emma will maintain their seperate rooms, and Baby Boy Karp will enjoy the snoring of his dear father as we have room (albeit tight) to put his crib in our room with us for a little while. Will co-sleeping be in our future? Certainly, I had a bedside attached bassinet (Called the Co-Sleeper) when Emma and Eden were newborns. I was nursing them so I could simply reach over and pull them towards me when they cried from hunger. Does this new baby have the right to that kind of comfort too, although he will be much older? Absolutely. I think for a little while at least it might be good for us. I never slept with my children when they were older, unless they ran to us in the middle of the night from nightmares. But the more I speak to my friends in the adoption world, I think maybe it wouldn’t hurt to do this at least for a little while. I never would be at the stage to think of this. Ever the thinker, I’m way ahead of myself. But in a way, due to the fact that our current home does not have enough individual bedrooms, it became logistical decision too for us. We will either move at some point or Emma and Eden will be the lucky recipients of bunk beds in Emma’s larger room.

The other day I got out of the shower and opened up the door to let out the steam. Emma and Eden were downstairs, I could hear the TV going. I looked into Eden’s open bedroom and just imagined this little boy, Maybe he looked 10 months old. He was wearing a white sleeper type thing, he looked like a mix of Emma as a baby and our new little buddy Henry. I was like, man is he cute! What an active imagination have I!

So here is a photo I came across of Emma as an 8 1/2 month old. Is there any way that she looks like a Kazakh Princess or am I just searching way too hard? What does it matter anyway? But I guess these images and thoughts sometimes keep me going.

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I lurked on many blogs for so long and my world opened up when I decided to say hello. The path to move forward never would have been as clear to me without the insight of others who had gone before me. I only hope that one day I can offer the same guidance to others like that has been offered to me. To those who post and who have commented, I look forward to continuing to follow your wonderful journeys. If there is anyone else out there, please feel free to say Hi! It makes this world feel so much smaller
Goodnight!
Steph

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I am very grateful to be celebrating 6 years of knowing my beautiful daughter Emma.

I am very grateful for celebrating 6 years of being a mom to this very special little girl.

I am very grateful that Emma is just as beautiful inside as she is outside.

I am very grateful that Emma had such a happy day today, from the minute she woke up she was enthusiastic about turning 6. Can we harness this forever?

I am very grateful for baking Emma’s birthday cake with her on her last night of being 5.

I am very grateful for saying goodnight to her that night by saying “Listen close to me. Emma I will never say these words to you again! Good night my 5 year old Emma.” And she said “But you’ll say Goodnight my 6 and 7 and 8 and 9 year old Emma!” G-d willing yes yes yes yes yes yes yes …

I am very grateful for friends and family to celebrate with today all day and more celebrations to come over the weekend.

I am very grateful that Emma was so cooperative this morning and after school for two separate 10 minute photo sessions where I got these two shots in addition to many others.

I am grateful that because I got these amazing shots today, I pretty much relaxed about the camera for the rest of today’s celebration and wasn’t a crazy loony with the camera as is usual.

I am very grateful for taking time last night to set up breakfast place settings for Emma and Eden with birthday decor and with fun art projects set up for Emma at her spot. I heard her wake up super early this morning and by the time I got downstairs she was almost done making a mosaic art project.

I am very grateful that the things I feel anxious about are blips on my screen of life, despite how upsetting and frustrating they seem at the time.

I am very grateful to be finding out information that I didn’t know I needed to know and to also realize that so many things are out of my control.

I am very grateful for the ability to raise my hands up in the air and just give in to the powers that be.

I am very grateful that Emma is a wonderful and caring big sister to Eden.

I am very grateful that G-d gave me exactly the children I was meant to have and will continue to do so.

I am very grateful for Eden’s happiness at having her new ‘big girl bed’ and for Emma’s happiness for her and desire to squeeze into bed with her for the past couple of nights and share sleep.

I am very grateful for my family of four — for all that I have, all that I am and all that is yet to be!!

Happy Birthday my dear sweet Emma. You have filled my life with joy and I look forward to a life time of loving you and our (growing) family!

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So we wrote out our first big check towards this adoption experience and it felt huge to me. But not huge enough for me to make a big announcement yet, as I still don’t have any applications or contracts in to my agency, and the amount yet to do still seems insurmountable (from this distance.) How does one eat an elephant? One bite at a time. Start chewing.

I think I will honestly feel that it’s real when my dossier is complete and I’m in the waiting stage. This is going to have to be a very productive summer.

Well, as a result of a great meeting yesterday, I found Gary was quite relaxed today and very huggy towards me. More so than usual perhaps? Judy, who knew of Gary’s trepidation and fears, said to me that as she spoke she actually could see Gary visibly relaxing. She said she really thinks he is really 100% on board, even though his initial interest is purely to do this for me.

We saw friends today for a July 4th BBQ. Jen’s 7 month old son is so loved, held, kissed, coddled and cooed at. It is heartbreaking in a way to think that my child will never have been loved like that in the earliest stage of his life and the ramifications it will mean, and the work it will take to get to a good place. And as I know from Carolyn and Henry and the amazing strides that Henry has achieved, I know that slow and steady wins the race. It just takes time. I need to be fully aware and always remember this. There will be things to overcome and according to Judy, most can be overcome.

I feel more connected to Gary than I have in a while from yesterdays’s meeting. I guess it’s almost like we know a little secret that yesterday was the day of conception But again, lots more applications and official paperwork, but plucking down the first check to me meant we were taking the steps seriously.

Emma and Eden did not know we met with a social worker yesterday. The less they know the better. But, perhaps due to seeing two baby boys today, at bedtime tonight, Emma asked me if Dad and I decided on our baby brother. I said to her We are still thinking about it and she just sighed. I feel bad but I think I’ll be ready to tell her when we will be ready to make an official announcement to family and friends and then we can have her help us build the buzz of excitement.

I’ll just keep plugging away and maybe we’ll have made some headway in our dossier by September. It feels surreal that one day I’ll be on a plane to Kazakhstan, heading to the land of my child’s birth. Life can really be miraculous and surprising … and good.

Goodnight!

Steph

The post Home Study Visit appeared first on Stephanie Karp.

So a couple of things happened while I was away. On the plane out to Austin, as we are lifting up into the air, tears just kept filling my eyes and rolling down my cheeks. For some reason, perhaps I was thinking of a future plane ride to Kaz and what that might feel like to be waiting with anticipation. I snapped photo then.

Perhaps these thoughts were furthered by the fact that a few days leading up to the trip and then during it, I was enthralled with reading an adoption memoir called Forever Lily by Beth Nonte Russell which was just remarkable and lovely. I am now reading another memoir called China Ghosts: My Daughter’s Journey to America, My Passage to Fatherhood by Jeff Gamage.

Then I had an interesting dream and I wish I remembered it fully but in it, we were visiting Sara’s family in Phoenix (yes, you!) and it was very real and quite nice. I think we even went to Temple together

Our first night on the trip, our friend Norm calls Gary on his cell and must have asked if we are proceeding and my dear Gary replied “yes, we even began our home study. Looks like, believe it or not, we’ll be going to Kazakhstan. Yes, it’s a long trip, possibly two trips … we’re looking for a boy.” Was this my Gary speaking as if it’s YES going to happen?

Someone wrote me an email, I can not remember now but I know I saved it. Was it Monica? It was about not making a decision, but a “knowing.” I feel that this week, without having day to day stress and just the pleasure of free flowing thoughts, I did feel this “knowing.” It no longer felt like a decision, but an absolute. It was in my bones.

We went to this amazing market (Central Market) in Austin and they had the cutest table placemats. I bought four of them, one for each of us, even though they are kid oriented, they were so cute. Once on line to pay however, I said to Gary, I have to go back and get one for Baby, and I went back to get one that called to me and had some blue in it. I actually called him by a name. Now I am not sure that this will be his name. It’s a name that I never especially liked with our last name, but one that Gary has always liked. Those who know me a long time, might know this name. Could this just be a nickname we are calling him now, as he is just a vision in my mind, possibly. I do not plan on thinking of his new American name in reality until I hear his own beautiful name that he was given.

So much more to accomplish now that I’m home. One bite at a time.

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http://www.journeytokaz.com/Tarpey/July72008.html

I have to give a shout out to my dear friend Carolyn who has shared so openly about the amazing strides her son Henry has taken since he’s been home. When I met Henry a few months ago, he was a handsome little boy. But now these photos say it all — he shines from the inside and has truly blossomed under the constant loving and dedicated care of his very special Mama. Just beautiful! Please read from the beginning to see Carolyn’s journey. I love her honesty and perspective. Feel free to comment on her blog — just go to Home then Journal and then Guest Book. It’s easy!

Had a great visit with Katherine tonight, our first meeting — had the chance to see her on her vacation to the East Coast. She’s on the same path as me — two homegrown girls ages 3 and 6 and about to apply (most likely) to JHA shortly. I am glad I took the chance to say hi when I saw her introduction on the yahoo group. It will be great to share the journey with another. We share the same thoughts on this process and so much to talk about with our girls, etc. Yet another lovely person has entered my world.

By the way, run out and get China Ghosts: My Daughter’s Journey to America, My Passage to Fatherhood by Jeff Gammage — Such a magnificent book! He’s a reporter – not only is the book emotional and beautifully written, but historically right on. I continue to be moved to tears, inspired and hopeful with each page. For any parent regardless of where or how your child came to you, this book is a must read memoir about the power of a parent-child love. Just beautiful.

CONGRATULATIONS TO REGINA, FRANK and MILO on Becoming a FAMILY!!!!!!

The post Hope and Inspiration All Wrapped Up in One Little Boy appeared first on Stephanie Karp.

She mentioned something that Gary once mentioned — If it is a matter of money for so many of these families, would not the money we are using to pay the legal fees necessary for adoption be better suited to provide funds for a family to remain with their child? But alas, it is not how it works. And when it comes down to it, a child remains in need of a loving family. The Karps will be one such family.

Adoption is a serious business. These children come with pasts, and hurts and loneliness and there are countless birth mothers out there that pray for the safety of the children they have left behind. No doubt we will live every day with a piece of our child’s birth mother within us as we watch our child grow and blossom.

This past weekend, while having a mini family vacation in Hawley, PA at a beautiful place called Woodloch Pines, I thought a lot about this child who will enter our lives. Rather, I allowed myself to think about it. As recently, I had just been pushing forth with a To Do list to get this process started. After so much thinking, it was easier to just “do.” I remember long ago, someone once told me that when you are on the plane going to get your child, you might have anxiety but your main thoughts are on doing everything in your power to bring that child home. That nothing will stop you. I am allowing myself to think these thoughts now. There is no face, no name to go with this child in my mind, but when I sat underneath the shade at the pool watching Gary swim with Emma and Eden, it was almost as if I felt the warm weight of this child on my lap. A hazy image of this round, bald headed baby. He was facing the water watching his sisters, I could not see his face. Cool and adorable in a simple white onesie, he was sitting on my lap and saving his space for next year (g-d willing.)

With that said, I am grateful for the feeling within me that is certain without one iota of a doubt that there is the proverbial red thread that is uniting our family with a little boy 9,000 miles away.

I am grateful for the life I have been given, for the life I have made.

I am grateful for my family of four and for all that is yet to be.

I am grateful for the blessing and opportunity to bring Baby Boy Karp home in 2009.

Steph

“An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break.”

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Got this in my email today, that fun “Notes from the Universe” thing I signed up for that seems to say the right things at the right time.

If you can imagine it, you can have it, Stephanie. This is the name of the game. This is the lesson to learn. It couldn’t be any easier. Reality is not what your eyes show your mind, but what your mind creates for your eyes to see. You are not limited by logic, the past, or the world around you. You are not even of the world around you. You are supernatural, pure spirit. You came first. Magic, miracles, and luck are the consequences of understanding this, the inevitable result of dreaming and acting in spite of appearances.

You are ever so close. Simply stay the course. It won’t be very much longer.

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