I am not proud.

And of course those efforts didn’t work. Everything escalated. We fed off each other. I removed myself from the situation and went downstairs — shouting (a somewhat kind word for the actual vociferation that was directed at my all too sassy 6 year old) had gotten me nowhere. It was evident that I needed a breather before I spontaneously imploded and splattered my brains on the walls. And then, with a click of the key in the door, Daddy finally came home. Whew! And, with the kind of magic that only a calm, sane person can bring to the mix, peace was restored once again in our home.

So what happened?

Was it my children or me? And what really came first, the chicken or the egg? Certainly, I was not perfect, but Emma’s being “fresh” and backtalking was not to be tolerated either. I’ll be honest. I can see it so clearly now — I allowed a playdate with Emma to go on way after dinner (with a boy she adores — it had been months since she saw him. I have alluded to playdates being sparse. My dear Emma was so happy and I let her happiness in that moment extend the playdate.) Both my kids had late dinners and desserts and even later bed times — all this after a full day of school for both. I tried to cut corners last night with no bedtime books (a regular part of our routine) and also no bath (which definitely would have calmed them sooner.) I expected them to go to bed on a dime. After all, it was late and shouldn’t they be so tired they fall asleep like little angels? Not a chance. I was annoyed — at them? At me? Last night, I assumed I was annoyed with their escalating poor behavior. Today, I realize so clearly, the common denominator was ME and a very loose routine or lack thereof.

Today, both kids enjoyed some playtime at the park after school, were fed by 6 pm(homemade chicken soup which I was able to begin when both kids were in school.) They did not have any sugar after dinner. By 7, they were both bathed. I told them what kind of behavior was EXPECTED of them tonight and of myself. They were in bed by 7:15, read to and asleep by 7:30and 8pm respectively.

I can say it was my kids who drove me crazy last night — but what really happened was that I hoped they’d be able to handle us going out of the routine a little. It worked during the summer some days when slow lazy evenings kept us out chatting with the neighbors late on a summer night, and no one had mandatory school in the mornings. But this just doesn’t work for us in a regular way. How can I blame my kids, when it really was me?

With Gary working until at least 10pm six nights a week for the past month, the evening routine can be exhausting and monotonous. I can barely keep my eyes open while I’m in bed reading to them (or in Emma’s case, being read to.) My eyes close and sleep comes so fast I have what seems like 50 dreams in 20 seconds. You know that kind of dead tired? And even though it was hard to stick to the schedule tonight, by doing so, it meant that by 8pm, I had a night ahead of me.

Last night, the shameful thought of “Have I bitten off more than I can chew with Baby Boy coming to us this year?” jabbed a pointy knife into my heart and twisted. It made me feel “less than.” Am I worthy enough for this important job? Is my love and desire to love this child enough on the days when I may not be at my very best? Is sometimes being a “good enough” mom good enough?

Tonight I thought — packing up my leftover homemade soup this evening, running the dishwasher, and a load of laundry in the dryer while my peaceful girls were snoring soundly by 8:05pm, and knowing Gary’s late nights are temporary — “I am supermom! Bring it on!”

Life is full of ups and downs. I definitely know that when I know better, I do better. I also have to keep in mind ROUTINES! ROUTINES! ROUTINES! I may falter but I’m always striving to do better — always a work in progress.

Anyone else ever feel this way? Any sage advice? Any tips from those with 3 or more children? How do you do it? Am I being too honest here? Thanks all!

Steph

PS On a note to move us forward positively, I received notice in the mail today that our I-600 check was cashed and our paperwork is filed. A fingerprint appointment will be sent to me when our completed homestudy is sent to complete our I-600 application. We are almost done with just a few small elements — hopefully this week our social worker will have all the pieces to the puzzle.

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