But buried.

I grew up in a traditional Brooklyn Jewish family — lots of fun family cultural dinners, very loud people, lots of yelling, lots of laughs too. A fun hobby of some of my relatives at various family functions was always talking about who looked like who — who had whose eyes, hair color, personality, skin tone. At that early age, no one that I knew of had ever adopted a child. Growing up, no one that I knew was adopted. And yet.

It was something that sort of became a pipe dream for me. There were a lot of variables that I thought about. My husband and I wanted three children — so I would say to myself, if we have three kids and a home and the finances to afford a fourth child, then I would love to do this huge mitzvah of taking in another child into my home. My husband was never on board with the idea of adoption being part of our own lives, but he too loved the idea in theory.

I took a class in the Spring of 2006 called You, Inc. It tied in perfectly with me having just found out about The Secret and the premise of holding a thought in your head, putting it out there into the “universe” at large … and ultimately making it happen.

In this class we had an assignment called “If I can see it, I can believe it.” On this page in our scrapbooks, we were to cut out photos of ideas, things, aspects of our lives we absolutely wanted to come true. On these pages was the watch I want, some vases, a mirror. The following page had a photo of a couple in love (so that my husband and I would always remain best friends), Diane Keaton because I love how gracefully she’s aged, Oprah and her “girls” because I love the amazing work she does for children and literacy, a cut out of my face with Demi Moore’s body because one day I’ll value that commitment more than my Dunkin Hines Chewy Fudge Brownies. The last photo that I cut out and carefully pasted into my book was a photo that has been in my head for about 7 months now. Angelina Jolie with her son, Pax.

I flip open the pages of this book often. How else to guide me and remind me to live a life of all that I hold dear — in both tangible and far deeper ways. “If I can see it, I can believe it.” My watch has been selected, vases have been purchased. Facial creams are slathered on daily, healthy greek yogurt is part of my morning ritual. Family time is carved out of very busy weeks. Medications are taken, therapies are administered. The next indicated step is always taken. Family is my priority above all else. Books are read and businesses are begun. Things are happening … I’m making them happen. And the photo of Angelina Jolie — once a symbol of a pipe dream, the ‘if onlys’, the ‘wouldn’t it be nice?’, has actually become a decision that deserves to be made — in other words, a TRUE POSSIBILITY. The reality of this prize is an amazing life we can give to someone and the joy of some little child who can add to ours.

It has been 6 months of research now. Agencies called, blogs researched and devoured and friendships made across miles with people whose shoes I’m considering walking in. And a preliminary decision made based on lots of research and many factors that made sense to us that, should we decide to proceed, perhaps it is Kazakhstan in Central Asia (nestled between Russia and China) that might hold our future. I have a husband who is yet to be fully convinced this is a path for us, but yet who, G-d bless him, grows more willing each day to consider expanding our family in such a unique way. Two loving and special daughters who smile at the idea of a baby brother are a great factor in this family equation.

And yet. A fear. A fear of the unknown, the ‘what ifs’, the ‘should I’s’ and ‘will we reallys?’ Holy s–t! Will we REALLY? A wonder of whether we should expand our family through a pregnancy of my own or take the road not taken. Will there be a regret either way. Or not. This is it, this is our life. Whatever we choose, this is it. A huge question of who is the child we were meant to have. In what manner should we pursue our journey to 5. And are we okay to be a family of four. YES! YES we are. I lov emy family. I am decidedly content now but willing to take risks to have the larger family I always envisioned we’d have down the road when we’re old and gray. Amazingly, thankfully, finances in order and having healthy bodies and minds, we have the ability to choose the manner in which we make this happen. Should we decide to at all. What to do? Crystal ball, anyone?

The notion of saving a life, of kissing and holding him/her, of tucking in a small child who never had such simple luxuries, of loving a child like my own, S/He IS MY OWN, of providing this great country that is America, of offering an education, of showering our child with love and life lessons and two great big sisters, of offering guidance and intervention and resources previously unimaginable and two loving parents and a home and warmth. A simple and serendipitious chance to be part of our crazy, wacky, loving, warm, adventurous life.

Or the continuation of our own blood line? Another child who looks like my two beautiful girls, who shares my creativity and love of words, who is an entrepreneur like their dad. Is this overrated? What does “There is nothing like your own” really mean? A family is what you make of it. My friends are my family too.

Will we or won’t we?

The information gathering continues and the soul searching endures …

And now, glad to have this out and in the open of this unique blog space, I can let my thoughts relax for now knowing that the fact that I even had the nerve to begin this blog must mean something.

Till next time!

Thanks for reading my first blog entry. Wow. I did it.

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The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost (1915)

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I–
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

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Which is why no decision has been made yet.

It is the research itself that makes this a huge part of my inner life. But outwardly my husband and I have done nothing to move this process forward at all nor will we for a long while.

I am someone who researches ad nauseum and is someone for whom, when a decision *is* finally made, I feel COMPLETELY and OVERWHELMINGLY SUPER CONFIDENT in my next steps. That is why recent questions posed to me by well meaning friends have propelled me to delve even a little deeper into various aspects of this journey. And in turn I appreciated the opportunity to ask questions I had not asked before and to research topics that had not previously come up in all my readings. I am not oblivious or in denial to challenges that may (or may not) arise. But to throw in my towel based on other people’s fears is never something that would cross my mind. I haven’t been thinking of this for 17 years for nothing.

I am not a religious person. Spiritual, yes. But I long for the amazing faith of a woman whom I spoke to yesterday. Almost a stranger, I’ve only seen her a few times at my daughter’s soccer games. And yet here we were, along with another mom on the bleachers, discussing our views of G-d and Heaven and faith and beliefs. For almost two hours. It was no ordinary mom conversation and it was especially enjoyed by me. She said something that struck me. “When I have faith, I have never doubted.” She told me I should “pray about it”, pray for G-d to open doors for me or pray for my decision thoughts to be taken out of my head should this really not be the path for me at all.

I have prayed in my life for people to be well, for healing. I have never prayed for answers. But this morning I did. I prayed that soon it will become crystal clear what we were meant to do. I prayed for the faith to know that whatever we decide is what is truly right for our family. When a decision is finally made, whenever that may be, I can assure you, we will have no doubts.

The post The Difficult Decision To Adopt A Child appeared first on Stephanie Karp.

Months later, this past September, I went back to blog searching, hoping to read more stories that would convince me this was the path for us (or not). I was able to find this family’s email address. We have since exchanged many emails and my husband and I had a phone call with them where they shared all of their experiences with us. They now have three beautiful children from different regions in Kazakhstan.

They have listened to our worries and our fears. Have offered practical insight and offered encouragement and faith. As part of a recent email exchange the dad wrote this to me:

“Don’t ever hesitate to share with me. We have been there. I will be nonjudgmental even if you decide not to adopt. It is a totally subjective thing, as it boils down to it. You and your husband are the only ones making this decision, because if you left it up to everyone else you will never reach consensus! I’m proud to be a resource! And one day hopefully I will meet the child that perhaps I played a very small role in bringing to his or her “forever family.”

I honestly think that should this come to pass, their role in this will be much bigger than just a small part. I tried contacting other families before and it was a quick information exchange or phone tag that never happened. With them, it was different. Definitely a connection, and one that has been so inspiring and uplifting, that I’m sure that this is one of the powerful ways that only prove that the doors are opening for me, should I choose to acknowledge them.

Another email said this today “When you get a referral it will all become real… so real that you will no longer hear the critics, and you will only see the path that you take to bring that little one home.”

Since I haven’t given out any information about myself just yet (I’m a newbie to this blog thing and so reluctant to share my business yet) I am not going to name this family. You definitely know who you are. And again, as we are not yet sure what the future may hold, I want to let you know that you have played an instrumental part in one of the biggest and most life changing decisions of our lives. Whatever the outcome, the time you shared with us, the insight and care you provided have been priceless. Our appreciation knows no bounds. Thank you.

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We’re giving it some time. My husband and I had a talk last night. As resistent as he was to this idea at first, he is also drawn to the amazingness of it. He is eager to make a decision either way. We have decided to revisit this together at the new year. And he decided that on Jan. 10, his birthday, we will know what choice we will make about how to proceed. I just want to commit either way. The limbo is hard. It’s stagnant.

Today my daughter drew me a picture of our family. I said “There are 5 people, who is the other person?” Well, I should have noticed right away that the 5th person was tinier than all the others. She said “That is our new baby brother. Shhh … don’t tell anyone.” You can bet that drawing will be saved as we decide what we’ll be doing. If I knew it was going to work out okay, I’d say yes in a second. It’s the unknowns, the variables, and frankly, the lack of support that I am receiving from people from whom I’d love it most, that make me pull the reins back a little.

I have a few calls in this week to a few families I discovered. We’ll chat and after that I’m going to lay low for a good few weeks to let things settle and see what thoughts fill the spaces of my head.

Goodnight!
S

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Once upon a time, there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work.

One day, as he was walking along the shore, he looked down the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself at the thought of someone who would dance to the day, and so, he walked faster to catch up.

As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, and that what he was doing was not dancing at all. The young man was reaching down to the shore, picking up small objects, and throwing them into the ocean.

He came closer still and called out “Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?”

The young man paused, looked up, and replied “Throwing starfish into the ocean.”

“I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?” asked the somewhat startled wise man.

To this, the young man replied, “The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them in, they’ll die.”

Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, “But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can’t possibly make a difference!”

At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean.

As it met the water, he said, “It made a difference for that one.”

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These moms are being so generous with me, with emails, shared blogs, offers of phone calls. I began a list with all my contacts and their information and how I found them so that I can get all my ducks in a row, so to speak.

Still a few more calls will be made this week. This “laying low” business, it’s just not working for me because I have discovered that research and contacts begets research and contacts. It is never ending and absolutely great. And tiring.

And so it’s off to bed after a great Halloween with my girls. Feeling very content with where I am in my life right now. I don’t feel desperate to have a third child. Rather, I feel so blessed, so grateful and so content that it feels very very right to open our arms and hearts wide to accept another child into our lives. Will my plate be full? Yes, very full. But they are not babies forever, and a big family is really what I always wanted later on down the road. It will be worth it in the end.

Life is good.

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Last night he crumpled up his face with upset when I read to him from a letter that told what the options were for children who were not adopted by age 13. I guess he imagines our own girls living such a life and it breaks his heart. He wanted to know what the “forgotten ages” are. Most people want as young a baby as possible. Many older adoptive parents take an older child. Is there an age that sort of gets bypassed in the mix?

When I think of my dear sweet girl, just 2 1/2, I would want to take home someone her age to protect that innocence and inquisitiveness that I see in her. But in reality, I think a younger child would pose fewer acclimation risks which would in turn be easier for my girls to get to know a new member of the family, and vice versa.

Today I spoke to another great contact who has been a social worker in the field of adoption for many years. She has two biological boys and is in the process of adopting her daughter from Kazakhstan. She was so informative and great to speak to, as she also feels compelled to adopt into her family while having biological kids as well. She was wise and had great points. I just wish it wasn’t for the fact that I fear us “aging out” of the Kaz program. But she really drove home the point for me to lay low on my husband for now, as it really should come and derive from him as if he thought of the idea himself. She pointed out that I wouldn’t want to be resented by my husband if god forbid something were to happen that we didn’t expect in regards to the new child.

She is so wise, so right. I want this adoption to come from both of us, if it is to come from us at all. If it is to be, it will be. So therefore, I relinquish it to the powers that be …

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However, I still need to make a few more calls to some people I’ve met. I still do read all the emails from my yahoo groups.

I received an email about taking a child in for the holidays. It’s obviously in hopes that you’ll want to adopt that older child. I can’t imagine a child coming and having a great time with your family and you send them back to the orphanage.

This morning I told Gary about this program, how great it is, not something we would do now, but just to talk about it.

He is so sensitive my dear man. He said “We are in a position to do really great things, and it’s just so scary. But when I think about our kids and the chance for them to come to America (if they were the ones in an orphanage) I would just want to do something. Those older kids are the ones who really need help. Look into this!”

I couldn’t believe it. I hugged him and hugged him, just because he really is such a good, loving, kind hearted man. Precisely what I saw in him way back when.

The post Slowing Down appeared first on Stephanie Karp.

The more people share with me, the more I feel connected to these parents and the more I seem to share. I feel it is a very close knit community of adoptive parents. I am not in this community yet but I have been so welcomed. Last night, one mom who I spoke to on the phone for 103 minutes (couldn’t believe it when I hung up that the phone showed that much time had passed) told me that no matter what happens in my decisions, she would love to know the outcome of the path we choose. And I absolutely will share this with all those who have paved the way for me — again, regardless of what happens.

The mom last night also had a biological daughter and told me that she wondered if perhaps God meant for them to only have one child and if adoption was the right decision for her. The way she would know is that she would continue doing the research and keep moving forward and if there were no road blocks and the next step lead to the next step, then it was meant to be.

Well, my resolve has been tested a few times. I don’t have so much support in my life in regards to this, but maybe it’s because I haven’t opened up my heart enough yet to express my true desires and no one really believes me. But yet my husband is now very interested in sponsoring the education of an older child (a huge step!!) and he continues to listen to all my reports from research and conversations with others. And yet, despite a little break for me (I got burnt out a bit on all my late night searches and contacts) I continue to move forward, I continue to feel that adoption is one of the greatest things for the world, continue to feel that a child would be lucky to have us and we to have him/her and I continue to feel that this is the way we are going to build our family.

I am very excited to be able to visit with our friends in Georgia as part of our vacation this December. This just worked our perfectly as we’ll be seeing relatives in Georgia too. No road blocks here either. The plans just seemed to happen very naturally. I would love to meet face to face these people who have been so instrumental as we began the decision making process. To meet in person the daughter whose photo first caught my eye in April 2007 because she reminded me of my own daughter. To see our two daughters play together.

How unbelievable is modern technology that it bridges families and forms friendships in such a unique way. It is really remarkable that a simple email to a stranger two months ago will result in us getting to spend some time together as families. I feel very grateful!

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