“Its a pleasure Stephanie, and you most certainly should maintain hope!!! The premise surrounding the “so called” closure, which still cannot be confirmed, is not a show stopping “Kaz is closed for adoption”, its a “slow down and let them catch up” situation that we have seen before. The widespread panic does so much harm, I wish people would simply look at the FACTS as they are presented. But then again, I was in your shoes too, and I’d have been up all night with worry…. its the nature of the process, but what does not kill us, makes us stronger!! Hang in there girl!”

I think that after this is resolved, if Gary and I are not ready to move forward then it wasn’t meant to be. I think that after wanting 3 children my whole life, thinking about adoption for many, many years of my life, and then actively educating myself emotionally, statistically and medically about international adoption for the past 11 months, after having researched countries and agencies and found ones that feel right, after having met so many amazing wonderful adoptive parents, followed the joys, journeys and triumphs of others, been frightened by the harsh realities but continued to persevere, after having my mettle tested a few times but having had no major road blocks, I think it is time to move forward in earnest on this journey to 5. I’ll share this entry with Gary and hope he shares my convictions. It’s not just us and our own life path, but childrens’ lives are on the line waiting for families. We have the means to do this, the loving hearts, the home, the compassion and desire to add to our family in this way. Why should we all be denied?

I maintain hope that it will all work out in the end.

Still getting my marriage license finally next week — the international adoption long form.

Until then — my best wishes and prayers to everyone on their journey!

Steph

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Later: Just spoke to Gary. Had a real conversation. So much of what we talk about seems to be just about him putting off deciding until the next date. Now we actually spoke about his worries. And amidst the worries, he said he is willing to take siblings. I was shocked, but probably could have guessed he’d say that. We spoke logistically about where we’d put 4 kids in this house. We spoke of trundle beds, of regrets about not dormering the attic ceiling, of making it work regardless.

Gary said he feels like he’ll make a decision quickly when he makes it, that it will just come to him and he won’t know whether it’s right or wrong but that he definitely knows it’s a good thing. He also knows that he would have been propelled by my own momentum and that that is okay.

We spoke about G-d not giving us more than we can handle. Despite not being religious people, I do believe that. Anything is fair game. You can only hope for health — but I know that we can provide so much love and resources toward anything that may come our way.

I changed the music on this blog to start with Celine Dion’s Taking Chances. I saw her on Oprah today and tears just fell out of my eyes when she sang, with such power, “What do you say to taking chances?” I know it’s not an adoption song, and not appropriate in many ways, but that line gets me every time. I’m ready to take the chance.

Regina said it well, “get my hiney on the bus!” I don’t want to feel like a “poser” in the world of PAPS (prospective adoptive parents.) I don’t want to have a blog for the sake of having a blog, and yet my decision remains in limbo for ever. I honestly think this blog has served me so well. In my words, I read the evolution of my feelings. I am not the same person who began this blog on October 19th, wondering what path to take. I now know, and I can honestly say that over the course of the past few weeks especially, despite still being scared of the unknown, I have never felt so sure of anything. I have been respectful of my decision making, taking time and never rushing.

On April 13th, we are meeting with the Tarpey and Caswell families in Connecticut.

On April 28th is Eden’s birthday.

Shortly after that, Gary and I will talk again.

I hope to post back at the end of April or early May 2008, 12 full months after I began the journey of “if I can see it, I can believe it.”

Until then …

The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance but live right in it, under its roof. — Barbara Kingsolver

I’m only one. But still, I am one.
I cannot do everything, but still, I can do something.
And because I cannot do everything,
I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.
— Edward Everett Hale

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