I guess I was shopping to allay some fears that are underlying, for certainly when one is in a dressing room trying on fleece and sweating to death, one does not think of other things except said sweat. I believe I personally have what I need (I have already preselected the 4 pairs of pants I will take) and I just want to get Eden a warmer winter jacket and a better fleece (yup) lined hat. I told Gary please make his own list because the list of to-dos that I alone have to do to care for the preparation of me, Emma and Eden is huge. Fleece seems like an inane thing to focus on when dealing with such a big excitement, but I am happy to say I honestly got a few check marks off of my To Do list last night. And when I returned after my retail therapy, I did feel a bit more calm. I also put aside 4 books that I will take on the trip. I hope that is enough as surely with only Kazakh television channels to choose from, I will do a lot of reading. It’s easier to focus on packing lists and things like that as the reality of meeting a child who will become my son is too huge sometimes for me to wrap my head around. The time is here. How did I get here? And am I in a dream? By putting one foot in front of the other each day and by always doing the next indicated thing. Each step led me closer and closer to these moments. I sure hope I can calm down the day I meet him enough to be “PRESENT” — fully, emotionally, present to remember this moment, push past the jet lag, and feel a sense of relief when they hand him to me just like the dream I keep having of a woman in white handing over a child with a round face and big cheeks. Yes, little one, it was just you I was waiting for. A reunion of sorts. Not meeting someone unknown, but very much known in my heart of hearts.

As I prepare to leave in about 4 weeks or so, I also must think about Privacy issues so at this time I would love to say hello to those who read my blog and find out who might want to follow along on my journey. I feel bad in a way going private because I don’t want someone who is in my very same boots who is still sitting on the fence to bypass my story. I want to be there for others the way countless families have been there for me. I want to help someone else by inspiring them to start or complete a family through adoption — for themselves and for the sake of all the orphans in the world who wait without a mom to tuck them in at night. Of the countless things I pray for lately (from a girl who used to worry that she had no faith) I also pray that one day my story can and will enable someone to move from their own fears and anxious thoughts to see the bigger picture, to take the chance to make adoption a beautiful and most cherished part of their lives.

I’ll leave this post up for a while I think unless anything new comes, but I would love to see who would like to follow along. For those who don’t have experience with a private blog, it is important for me as I’m living life out there in Kaz bonding with a new child and all that comes along with that for my whole life to not be visible to people I don’t know or know of. If you have been a constant blog reader, then you have surely been my friend, so please just announce yourself and provide your email address on the comment section for this post. For those who don’t have a google account and have trouble with comments, please simply sign on as Anonymous and then don’t forget to include your name and email address so I can add you to the list of those who can read this future private blog. I think I’ll attempt to go private in the first week of November, at which point, if you haven’t given my your email address, you will not be able to read Our Journey to 5 (but of course I’ll gladly add you at any time.). And surely, it’s just about to get really really exciting.

I remember when I first got engaged, I didn’t go into work like many people might do and shove my ringed hand in front of people and say “I’m getting married!” I did nothing of the sort, I just went about my business until a friend said “Stephanie, is that a RING on your finger! My G-d, girl, why didn’t you say anything!??” Granted, my friends at home all knew because I’m great at talking individually to one person. It’s the group thing that gets me when it’s about myself. Talking in front of a large crowd for work or being interviewed on TV about stuff, that I actually always relished. So there is a ‘ham’ that lives inside this person who is loathe to make big announcements. I think by now many have gathered that I do keep things in (though I feel open on this blog format in general) but in life, I’m not a ‘look at me’ type of person. I don’t know too many of the parents yet at Eden’s school and don’t even know how to say to them anything about the adoption (it always seems to be large group conversations that are going on when I arrive) and my feeling is that one day they just won’t see me there. And then they’ll see me weeks later with a boy in an Ergo carrier and they’ll say “Who’s this?” and then “Whhhyyyyy didn’t you tell us??!!” Similarly, I have said nothing on Facebook to more distant or old friends yet. Since these people are not in my daily life, they don’t know my normal conversations about it and I’m wondering at this point what kind of status report just to alert people. I’m uncomfortable with this stuff in a way! I don’t know why. Facebook is the perfect place to keep people up to date on your life and this is the Status Report of Status Reports and it’s like a huuuuuge “Look at me!!!!!” It can’t be any different than announcing a pregnancy on FB and those were always met with joy. Perhaps I’m just not in the mood to answer questions, which I know will come. Does that mean I’ll have to post a Facebook “Note”? But this is all good stuff. Talking about it is great. It’s a boon to adoption in general, to children all over, to one person taking a chance, an inspiration to others to do the same or just be educated about it. Simply put, it’s the Karp family’s happy news about a new family member, a lovely little boy whose addition will make Emma and Eden the big sisters they so desire to be, and it therefore deserves mention as all good and wonderful things do. So what is my problem now, after so long keeping it in from the kids and others, that I can’t just say “The Karp family proudly announces that we’ll soon be a family of 5 through the blessing of international adoption. Stay tuned!” For surely, I will post photos there. You know what, that actually sounded pretty good!! I guess that is a great and simple way to put it. Anyway, just some musings of more inane things. Should file this mini-freak out next to Fleece Freak Out as “How to Expertly Worry about Facebook Status Adoption Announcements to Avoid Thinking about Packing Lists and the Precious Boy Who Waits.”
Thank you, dear friends and blog readers. Your constant listening ear always does wonders for me. What would I do without you?

Most likely, spontaneously combust.

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