It was a very relaxing experience to have my hands, feet and scalp massaged. It has been too long since I treated myself to such pampering! But it seemed to go deeper than a simple massage because the reflexologist was noting places in my body where I held tension, just based on what she felt in my feet alone.

She got to a certain part of my foot and said “I feel fear. Where are you holding your fear? What are you afraid of?” Hmm, now that was quite interesting … Well of course you know that I blurted out my thoughts from yesterday to this stranger. How soothing it was to sort out my worries and concerns while the anxiety was literally being eased out of my feet!

It seems that whenever I need it, I seem to find these spiritual or religious beacons of hope (dare I say angels?) disguised as random strangers. I have mentioned before that I don’t have that religious based faith that I envy in some other people. I barely have any real religion in my life now aside from Emma going to Hebrew school and lighting of the Chanukkah candles and sometimes eating Challah on Fridays when my dad gets it fresh from the bakery. I grew up knowing about religion in a more traditional way and not necessarily based on the Bible, per se. And yet, as I go through my own inner struggles, I seem to find people who say the right things to me, the things I want to hear, and most often they are spiritual or G-d based.

I chose to tell my reflexologist about my desires and simultaneous recent fears about adoption and what that means to me. She then went on to tell me that adoption has been something she has always wanted as part of her life. She recalls begging her mom when she was 7 to adopt a brother for her from Vietnam. Her own 23 year old daughter has told her she would like to adopt 2 children one day and she is thrilled that vicariously she will get to experience this in her life. She is now a single mother, in school, and timing just never worked out for her to have a second child.

She asked me some pointed questions, questions that showed the kind of caring for my beliefs and thoughts that I so wish others in my life might offer.*** Here was a person who lives her life like the Secret before it was ever a popular book, knew all about what made me paste those photos down in my scrapbook. She could not imagine that this momentary fear might make me turn my back on all that I have done so far, that even though I might not *feel* that I have “faith”, she believes it is faith and G-d himself that has actually gotten me as far as I have gotten in this process, that it is faith that has kept pushing me forward and taking the next indicated step.

The more she spoke, the more she massaged ;-), and the more I let my thoughts flow, I began to feel better.

Then, you know how when you are covered in darkness, sometimes you see these colored spots behind your eye lids? The reflexologist covers my face with a warm, lavendar scented towel and presses it to my eyes. I see odd swirling colors amidst the black. And all of a sudden, hallucinatory though it may be, I see this image behind my lids, coming closer to the forefront, almost like a halogram, of me dancing and spinning with a big, fat baby boy in my arms.

And all was good once again.

On a funny note, and I can’t believe I didn’t have the nerve to correct her, how terrible of me! I told the reflexologist about this blog I began and she said she knows about “blobs.” And I thought could it be? No, she didn’t just say “blob.” But two minutes later she said she likes to journal herself and maybe one day when she finds more time, she too would like to start a “blob.” And sorry to say, I let that one slide again. I am usually a grammer snob, huge correcter of minutiae, and yet I let this one go …. It seemed so innocent and perfect in its massive imperfection. It was endearing and I just hope her 23 year old daughter can correct her soon

***Some people certainly have asked the right questions, given encouragement and support, but I still wait for others to respect our beliefs, to even just ask about our beliefs, even as they share their own which may differ from ours. Soon it will be up to me to begin open communication and start the dialogue. I can’t expect others to read my mind. Open communication must start with me and this “blob” will be a great way for me to open up about all my inner most feelings.

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