Passage of Time

I’m grieving over old baby clothing. I came across some clothing stored away that I had not seen in two years. Why then the sudden sense of loss when I realized it was time to relinquish these adorable outfits and onesies to people who might need them more? After Emma was born, I kept all her favorite outfits because I hoped there would be an opportunity for me to have another daughter. Less than 3 years later, Eden came along. I had the pleasure of seeing her in some of the very same outfits. When I look at the pile, I can no longer remember if Eden or Emma wore it first. There are shared memories between the two of them.

Now, as I make the decision to adopt (most likely a boy should it go as planned), I think it’s time to let go. I have a heavy heart and I know, realistically, it’s not about the clothing. It’s about passage of time, moving on, the loss of my fat pudgy round cheeked daughters who have been replaced by long lean string beans with hands and feet that look like children’s hands, not a baby. As my good friend gave birth last night to her first baby, the reality sets in that I am choosing another way.

As Eden is almost 3 in two more weeks, I feel the need to videotape her more in her final days of being two. I feel the need to audiorecord her 2 year old voice so that I can have it forever in my ear when I need to be brought back to this time in my life. This time in her life.

I want to spend more time with my children. I am at home with them, but I want to be more present to this precious and short lived time in our lives. I want the summer to go slowly …

And even if we were to add another daughter to our lives, all these years later, despite most of the outfits being pristine, it might be time to get new things anyway.

Emma and I sifted through the pile last night together. I held up these pink soft GAP pants and kissed them “mwah! mwah! mwah! mwah! MWAH!” I said “I’m just kissing your little baby clothing!” And my smart, level headed not yet 6 year old dear daughter replied “But you can kiss me now.” And she leaned towards me for a hug and a kiss.

Today I will be calling two home study agencies to inquire about their services. Time to lighten my heavy heart and move forward.