Yesterday I had a great opportunity to take a ride with Gary for a whole day to Mohonk Mountain House in New Paltz, NY. It’s a beautiful old castle smack dab in the middle of abundant nature and if you are nearby or semi-nearby, I recommend you take a visit. (www.mohonk.com) It was a great reminder once again that this Brooklyn girl needs more of those kinds of days — beautiful vistas, cliffs, deer trampling past, gravel roads, October sun, brisk air, outdoor BBQ over looking the lake, impromptu tennis games, laughter, great conversation with my dear husband.
During the two hour ride to and from, during our beautiful and relaxing lunch overlooking the lake and during our 75 minute hike, Gary and I had uninterrupted talk. Or just comfortable silence. Emma and Eden were well taken care of by Grandma and Grandpa, and I … well, I felt like I was on a great long lasting outdoorsy fun date with my husband. We both had fun.
It also gave me the chance to pepper him with questions and run through some thoughts about Baby too. I asked Gary if he can picture a child in his mind (a heart picture, I think I am reading about?) and Gary said No. In all honesty, Gary really can’t visualize anything. It’s a strange phenomenon. But when I told Gary that most likely Baby is already born, he said he felt a sense of sadness. Sadness for our child alone without us, not sadness for the adventure to come.
Which brings me to my next thoughts. After all my time spent in Decision Making Mode, I have never felt so connected or sure that this is absolutely the path we are taking. But lest anyone thing that I don’t sometimes still feel an overwhelming sense of panic of the unknown, I’d like to be honest here. I do sometimes still feel Cold Fear wrap its’ long fingers around my heart. But I also think it’s natural and so my current motto is — Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway! My love and care towards this unknown child does outweigh any of my fears and worry and that is a testament to the internal journey I have traveled. And that is why we are in the position we are — Dossier Collection and Getting This Show on the Road! And when I try to envision this child in our lives, I talk to him in my mind and I say “You? I was afraid of you? No, baby, I was just afraid of new experiences, but never ever you.”
I do sometimes think I’m dreaming. When I read back in my blog, which I’ve been writing for almost one year now, I think how did I get here? Is it really one year later since I first began my journal, wondering where this would lead me? All my steps, and even my missteps, have led me here. Exactly where I need to be.
I am reading Patty Cogan’s book “Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child” — and as informative as it is which is just wonderful, I can’t say it isn’t sometimes the cause of my moments of concern. When I read all that these children have endured before we arrive, I realize that there might be lots to work through. And that is okay. Of course there might be things to work through. How much they have endured to have been without us for so long. These children deserve a chance. Our son deserves a chance.
We are adding to our family by the decision to adopt. Some say, by choice. A decision to add to what some say was already a Full Sized Family. “Complete.” I never felt incomplete — But in my heart, I always knew there was room for someone else. It is our love for our girls that makes me and Gary passionate about adding to our family. We know what is at stake. We know what is to be gained.
And the fact that I’m going for it? That I have kept on persevering through the whole Decision Making, the Research, the Thinking … me? A person who can’t stick to an exercise regimen, who has more unfinished projects on her plate than finished, who is a huge IDEA PERSON but who struggles to pick the ones to see to fruition. This person is still going strong after about 18 months since the seed was first planted. This is something I’m not letting go of. This child is someone I’m not letting go of. I pray that Our Journey to 5 will be one of the first of many beautiful journeys we take together — and that the ripple effects for all five of us just keep going and going and going.
Steph,
Another beautiful, so well written post!! Your gift for writing always brings me to tears!!
You are amazing Stephaine and YOU should be so proud of yourself for having a dream and never letting go!! Baby Karp is waiting with wide open arms for his Mama to hold him tight!
Love and hugs,
Carolyn
Steph,
Another beautiful, so well written post!! Your gift for writing always brings me to tears!!
You are amazing Stephaine and YOU should be so proud of yourself for having a dream and never letting go!! Baby Karp is waiting with wide open arms for his Mama to hold him tight!
Love and hugs,
Carolyn
Steph,
Another beautiful, so well written post!! Your gift for writing always brings me to tears!!
You are amazing Stephaine and YOU should be so proud of yourself for having a dream and never letting go!! Baby Karp is waiting with wide open arms for his Mama to hold him tight!
Love and hugs,
Carolyn
I agree!!! awesome writing… and a great post.. love the honestly… and I can relate to all of it….
I agree!!! awesome writing… and a great post.. love the honestly… and I can relate to all of it….
I agree!!! awesome writing… and a great post.. love the honestly… and I can relate to all of it….
I love this post!! I especially loved your comment, “You? I was afraid of you? No, baby, I was just afraid of new experiences, but never ever you.” I thought that was wonderful.
You have such courage not only to admit to the world about your fear, but to push forward and love anyway.
I love this post!! I especially loved your comment, “You? I was afraid of you? No, baby, I was just afraid of new experiences, but never ever you.” I thought that was wonderful.
You have such courage not only to admit to the world about your fear, but to push forward and love anyway.
I love this post!! I especially loved your comment, “You? I was afraid of you? No, baby, I was just afraid of new experiences, but never ever you.” I thought that was wonderful.
You have such courage not only to admit to the world about your fear, but to push forward and love anyway.
Thanks for posting your thoughts!
Thanks for posting your thoughts!
Thanks for posting your thoughts!
Dearest Steph,
Thank you so much for sharing!!! My eyes are a bit wet now after reading your blog. How talented, loving, giving and beautiful (to say the least), you are. You do and say things that many people might think of doing, but you actually do it!! What a role model you are for your 2 daughters. I hope that someday you will combine all of these blogs and other wonderful things you have written, into a book for the public to read. It is truly inspirational!!!
I hope you know, that if there is anything you need from us in this very hectic year, we will be there for you and your wonderful family. Your son, whoever/wherever, he might be, doesn’t know how lucky he is.
With Much Love,
Auntie A
Dearest Steph,
Thank you so much for sharing!!! My eyes are a bit wet now after reading your blog. How talented, loving, giving and beautiful (to say the least), you are. You do and say things that many people might think of doing, but you actually do it!! What a role model you are for your 2 daughters. I hope that someday you will combine all of these blogs and other wonderful things you have written, into a book for the public to read. It is truly inspirational!!!
I hope you know, that if there is anything you need from us in this very hectic year, we will be there for you and your wonderful family. Your son, whoever/wherever, he might be, doesn’t know how lucky he is.
With Much Love,
Auntie A
Dearest Steph,
Thank you so much for sharing!!! My eyes are a bit wet now after reading your blog. How talented, loving, giving and beautiful (to say the least), you are. You do and say things that many people might think of doing, but you actually do it!! What a role model you are for your 2 daughters. I hope that someday you will combine all of these blogs and other wonderful things you have written, into a book for the public to read. It is truly inspirational!!!
I hope you know, that if there is anything you need from us in this very hectic year, we will be there for you and your wonderful family. Your son, whoever/wherever, he might be, doesn’t know how lucky he is.
With Much Love,
Auntie A
Gosh, it’s been a while. Life seems like it is getting away from me lately. Just caught up on a few posts. Loved this one. So many great thoughts I can totally understand and relate to. I am so glad that after all of the thinking and decision mode, you are here and following your dream.
Hope you are all well!
Gosh, it’s been a while. Life seems like it is getting away from me lately. Just caught up on a few posts. Loved this one. So many great thoughts I can totally understand and relate to. I am so glad that after all of the thinking and decision mode, you are here and following your dream.
Hope you are all well!