I doubt I am the only one who, at this stage of their game, can not stop crying. In bed at night, in the shower, in the car, cooking dinner, listening to the radio. The tears fall from disbelief and shock that I am about 2 weeks away from holding a little boy in my arms and never letting go. I am joyful and jubilant and I am scared yet hopeful. I am stressed and I am excited. Let’s not forget that the past few days finds me often moody, short tempered and impatient. Tensions are running high between me and my husband all because of me. Thankfully, though it took him at least 10 years to figure this out, he now knows he just has to give me a hug to make me shut off my crazy tirades and ramblings. Sometimes you just need a hug. Or three.
My stress is less about how life will be once Major comes home than it is about all I need to do to prepare for another international trip and a new child’s arrival. I am bringing clothing for Major, our stroller and a Bundle Me, blankets and PJs, a multitude of shoes in various sizes, some special foods and all my electronic equipment and media that I can’t go without. I am not as organized as I need to be and though things are happening, they happen slowly. I have put away his clothing, beautiful new items I bought and some handed down by some of the most well dressed little boys I know. Pottery Barn boxes are arriving. Soft cozy blankets, booster seats for the kitchen table, bibs and bottles are ready for him. How silly I was to buy underwear already. This kid is going to need diapers for quite a bit longer. Baby gates and other baby proofing devices are needed this week. Caregiver gift bags are purchased and the gifts still need buying. Still need gifts for all the amazingly helpful people we met in Kaz. Gary’s in charge of the men. Baby House director gift is purchased … one down.
I wasn’t this nuts before the birth of my daughters but there are a lot more elements to this than my births. The preparation to bring a 2 year old home who will surely hit the ground running has me needing to revamp my entire decor. I never ever had to do this for Emma and Eden but I have been told about boys 😉 I shall soon see.
Sometimes I just want to hold this moment at bay. The sweet moment of anticipation before the reality and arrival and the true work begins. Challenges and joys are what I am expecting. I have been told by many Kaz mamas to imagine our child as an alien, for lack of a better term. He is coming into a new world, so different than the life he knew before, to strange people, strange sounds and language and strange smells. We will take him on a 25 hour journey on a plane where he will then meet two eager young girls who have loved him for so long and will likely want to show it. He will be driven in cars and strapped into car seats, something he never experienced in his life. He will be fed foods he never ate before, be bathed in a tub (he likely has only had sponge baths) and taken to new doctors here for customary blood work. He will be touched and kissed and hugged and lotioned up. He will not be used to this touch, having normally had his sweet soft skin hidden beneath 3 layers of thick clothing. He will be lovingly touched and kissed, but slowly. He will learn to trust us. He will get used to loving touch. And kisses. Did I mention kisses? And hugs. He will have a new bed to sleep in and though I have tried to emulate the white pillow he sleeps on at the orphanage and a brown soft fleecy blanket with a bear on it, it is not the same …. not the same at all. And perhaps he might even sleep between me and Gary … two strange people so close to him? So loving, so close … but yet strange.
He will grieve. Surely he will grieve and miss and long for and cry for the people he left behind. He will not understand at his age how he came to be with us, that we are his mommy and daddy who will love him forever, that his old life will be mourned but never forgotten deep inside him. He will be scared. He will likely have tantrums and night terrors and lash out, unable to use his language, still so limited and not understood by me anyway, to express his fears. He will wake up many times a night wondering where he is and his heart will clutch for a moment. Soon my face will be a most familiar face to him but surely he will search for the “other mamas”, those dear caregivers, who were 8 of his first mothers. Perhaps in Tyler and Henry and Dylan, he will search for the faces of his little friends whom he will never see again.
I never expected to be adopting a child almost two years old. It is likely one of a few tough ages in which to adopt. No longer a baby but still too young to understand the concept of coming home to a loving family. When I imagine Emma or Eden at age 2 being ripped from all they ever knew and going to live with someone else. One day you just take a walk out the doors and you get in a car and never turn back. It is heart breaking to think of this for Major while at the same time, I know it is life giving.
Thankfully I am getting my crazies out now. When Major comes home, this lady is gonna be the best mama this little boy ever knew. The best one he will ever know again.
Oh Steph,
You have done it again… brought me to tears. Your writing is so REAL and straight from the heart, never once thinking, is this what people want to read but rather this is my story and my feeling… right or wrong. It is the true gift of you that I love so much.
Everything you are feeling is no different then anyone else has felt, you are just writing about it, which I think is good, get it out girl! I can completely understand all your worries and fears and what is going to make you the best mother for Major is that you are aware of EVERYTHING he is going to be going through and you are not in denial.
I admire you so much, you one of the most amazing moms I know to Emma and Eden and I know you will be to Major too.
Hang in there my friend, the best is yet to come.
Love you
Oh Steph,
You have done it again… brought me to tears. Your writing is so REAL and straight from the heart, never once thinking, is this what people want to read but rather this is my story and my feeling… right or wrong. It is the true gift of you that I love so much.
Everything you are feeling is no different then anyone else has felt, you are just writing about it, which I think is good, get it out girl! I can completely understand all your worries and fears and what is going to make you the best mother for Major is that you are aware of EVERYTHING he is going to be going through and you are not in denial.
I admire you so much, you one of the most amazing moms I know to Emma and Eden and I know you will be to Major too.
Hang in there my friend, the best is yet to come.
Love you
Oh Steph,
You have done it again… brought me to tears. Your writing is so REAL and straight from the heart, never once thinking, is this what people want to read but rather this is my story and my feeling… right or wrong. It is the true gift of you that I love so much.
Everything you are feeling is no different then anyone else has felt, you are just writing about it, which I think is good, get it out girl! I can completely understand all your worries and fears and what is going to make you the best mother for Major is that you are aware of EVERYTHING he is going to be going through and you are not in denial.
I admire you so much, you one of the most amazing moms I know to Emma and Eden and I know you will be to Major too.
Hang in there my friend, the best is yet to come.
Love you
Our prayers and excitement are with you.
Our prayers and excitement are with you.
Our prayers and excitement are with you.
Steph – as always you are the best writer – a gift. But more importantly is the story of what you are telling – something that Major will one day be so proud of, the same as his sisters – Emma and Eden. We are all put here for a purpose – some just find it quicker than others. Yours is going to be a Major change, and you will do fine. You have a wonderful support system – you are blessed. So what if you wanted to put underwear on him; he's your little man.
Have a piece of chocolate, a glass of wine and hugs.
Love, Aunt Evie & UB
Steph – as always you are the best writer – a gift. But more importantly is the story of what you are telling – something that Major will one day be so proud of, the same as his sisters – Emma and Eden. We are all put here for a purpose – some just find it quicker than others. Yours is going to be a Major change, and you will do fine. You have a wonderful support system – you are blessed. So what if you wanted to put underwear on him; he's your little man.
Have a piece of chocolate, a glass of wine and hugs.
Love, Aunt Evie & UB
Steph – as always you are the best writer – a gift. But more importantly is the story of what you are telling – something that Major will one day be so proud of, the same as his sisters – Emma and Eden. We are all put here for a purpose – some just find it quicker than others. Yours is going to be a Major change, and you will do fine. You have a wonderful support system – you are blessed. So what if you wanted to put underwear on him; he's your little man.
Have a piece of chocolate, a glass of wine and hugs.
Love, Aunt Evie & UB
great post… feeling all the emotions right along with you.. hang in there… 🙂
great post… feeling all the emotions right along with you.. hang in there… 🙂
great post… feeling all the emotions right along with you.. hang in there… 🙂
I loved your video – so moving and well done! I also want to say that from our experience bringing home 2 year old Valeria, she was curious and taking it all in, in a positive way. I never saw any sign of grieving either. I think at that age, they live in the "now," which is a blessing. Best wishes for safe travels – and he will remember you!!!
I loved your video – so moving and well done! I also want to say that from our experience bringing home 2 year old Valeria, she was curious and taking it all in, in a positive way. I never saw any sign of grieving either. I think at that age, they live in the "now," which is a blessing. Best wishes for safe travels – and he will remember you!!!
I loved your video – so moving and well done! I also want to say that from our experience bringing home 2 year old Valeria, she was curious and taking it all in, in a positive way. I never saw any sign of grieving either. I think at that age, they live in the "now," which is a blessing. Best wishes for safe travels – and he will remember you!!!
That post was so well written. It brings back all those feelings I had just a few short weeks ago. There were so many "nesting" feelings, but mostly just anxious feeling, like "let's hurry up and get him home!". I commend you because you are so mentally prepared for Major's arrival, I have no doubt he will have a great transition into his forever family!!
That post was so well written. It brings back all those feelings I had just a few short weeks ago. There were so many "nesting" feelings, but mostly just anxious feeling, like "let's hurry up and get him home!". I commend you because you are so mentally prepared for Major's arrival, I have no doubt he will have a great transition into his forever family!!
That post was so well written. It brings back all those feelings I had just a few short weeks ago. There were so many "nesting" feelings, but mostly just anxious feeling, like "let's hurry up and get him home!". I commend you because you are so mentally prepared for Major's arrival, I have no doubt he will have a great transition into his forever family!!
I think that you capture all of the inner turmoils and angst that one feels in the process. After years of making sure all forms are filled in correctly (and duly notarized), letting go of all control over everything in your life, you are "handed" your child as the ship of "overseers" sails away leaving you all alone with your new child – and you are essentially right at the beginning of it all, even though it seems you have been preparing for that for years. It is a very strange time in one's life.
I think that you capture all of the inner turmoils and angst that one feels in the process. After years of making sure all forms are filled in correctly (and duly notarized), letting go of all control over everything in your life, you are "handed" your child as the ship of "overseers" sails away leaving you all alone with your new child – and you are essentially right at the beginning of it all, even though it seems you have been preparing for that for years. It is a very strange time in one's life.
I think that you capture all of the inner turmoils and angst that one feels in the process. After years of making sure all forms are filled in correctly (and duly notarized), letting go of all control over everything in your life, you are "handed" your child as the ship of "overseers" sails away leaving you all alone with your new child – and you are essentially right at the beginning of it all, even though it seems you have been preparing for that for years. It is a very strange time in one's life.