The above photo shows the moment we are all united in hugs and kisses as we emerge from Customs to see our daughters on Tuesday, March 23, 2010 at JFK Airport at about 7pm.
It has been a long while since I have written here. While in Kazakhstan, I did not have Blogger connections and now at home, I have to admit that it hasn’t been for lack of time. It’s because I am so overwhelmed with the magnitude of it all, I don’t even know where to begin. I will likely just jump in where I am, slowly, and do small catch ups here and there.
We are home today 12 full days. And it sure is amazing what can occur in the human spirit in 12 days, for all of us.
Well, let’s back track a bit to Kazakhstan where Major could never settle at night, kicked and bucked and slammed his head numerous times into the headboard when he overshot his pillow, where his night terrors had him crying out in his sleep for Mama, but that Mama was not me, where his anguish was so deep to be taken away from his home, and I could not do much to console him because it wasn’t me he wanted. Let’s talk about tonight now, where this sweet little boy signed “more” when I gave him his first taste of Carvel ice cream, where he joyfully played in the bath and enjoyed being washed and soaped up and only struggled just a bit before bed until I held him tight in the Ergo carrier and he finally settled against me, his sweet smelling hair a bit sweaty, his feet dangling out of the carrier and his smooth skin against mine. I am in love with this kid, I absolutely am. I think I literally feel the Oxytocin flowing through my body when I spend time caring for and nurturing him.
While in Kazakhstan, Oxytocin was no where in sight. What I was mostly feeling was “When is my shift over?” I was worried for what we had undertaken because I had never been in charge of a child who wanted so very little to do with me. I kept saying to Gary “It will be better once we are home …. won’t it?” It was a tough week for me emotionally … I couldn’t yet trust what others had told me and what I’d read. That love grows and that it’s just as important for me to bond as it is for him. Though I did all the nurturing things for Major while in Kazakhstan, the newness, the jetlag, the small living conditions, the overstimulation for Major … everything was not conducive to bonding the way it has been here at home and I felt the weight and magnitude of this life change as if it would always be this way. It was actually on Day 7 of being with him in our hotel that we began to feel a shift. It was a day when life got calmer and we felt he began to trust us and need us. And because of this, we are very grateful for the extra days we had to spend in Almaty waiting for a flight (4 days longer than we needed to be there.)
The girls have been wonderful with him. I have two big helpers and playmates and I know it has made the transition into a family life smoother for him, though it also posed some bumps in learning to share our love immediately, for everyone. For the most part, on Day 12 at home, life is really good. Emma told me she doesn’t want to go to summer camp because she just wants to spend time with her brother. Eden has told me she no longer has to play with dolls (previously her favorite activity) as she now has a real live baby!
Though I still deal with, and will continue to deal with teaching Major how to manage frustration without being violent to himself and how to be gentle with others and not rough, I have already seen the light in the form of his love, kisses, gentle touches, his smiles upon waking up and seeing me and his trust. He needs me and that alone makes my heart sing. It is true, the adoption quote I have read so many times — “You did not grow under my heart, but in it” and the other “Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone, but still entirely my own.” I look at him and he is the boy I always dreamed about. I love him as my own flesh and blood and I know that feeling will grow and grow. I am so grateful for the part of me that can love like this. I always assumed it but now I am certain. I can kiss and smell and breathe this kid in all day long, except for his poop and farts, which I must say are quite strong (!) and require some getting used to.
I am very tired and very busy (especially with Emma and Eden off this week from school and me feeling like a waitress a bit) but I feel such a sense of happiness and peace in my life. I have worked so hard for this family of 5 and the satisfaction I feel at having arrived at this place in time is divine. I could not have wished for a better little boy in my life – a better baby to be my son, and a better little brother to Emma and Eden and a better little boy for Gary, who is so proud of having Major. Gary just keeps on surprising me 😉
I also want to say that I am a very proud Signing Mom to a little boy who is home 12 days and already signs the following words:
Eat
More
All Finished
Water
Shoe
Tree
Cheese
Cracker
Wait (in response to me signing this appropriately)
Toilet (in response to me signing this appropriately)
How did he sign so fast you might ask? Well, first and foremost, his age makes it easier for him to catch on, as he already gestures by pointing and waving and blowing kisses and these are technically additional “gestures”, though they are true ASL vocabulary. But, being an active signer with my kids for years now, I happen to be really diligent and consistent throughout the day and that helps quite a bit. I guess what is pretty amazing is that he is signing appropriately for words that I taught him in English, so his comprehension of what we say in English is growing by leaps and bounds.
In English, he has said, though not regularly — Emma, book (later on he said it backwards (Kub), tee (for “tree”), doo (for “shoe”), Poppa, Mama, ball (once?), car (once?).
In his own babbling Kazakh, Major seems to repeat a lot of words. Though while in Kazakhstan I tried to find out from locals what he was saying and no one knew, I am fairly certain, as he keeps repeating the same sounds/words, he definitely has meaning for these words.
Some of them that I remember right now are:
Alla? — said as a question, very often throughout the day as he is pointing to things.
Ammah — said as a question
Abuela — sounds like the word for Grandmother in Spanish
Meh – This I know means “Take” and he says this very often when giving me something
Dope Dope — This is his short version of “dopti” which means Ball in Kazakh.
I will continue to post more about the trip and experience and catch up in pieces about how it is going here as a Family of 5. There are also tons of photos which will be quick to come as well.
This is a beautiful post Steph. I sat here and read it, and what struck me the most was the ending and the beginning of all of this. I remember back two and a half years ago to when you started thinking about adoption. This blog was a journal of your thoughts, concerns, joys, and fears. For those of us who were privliged to join you on your journey from the very start (or at least the start of this blog), I think many of us will never forget the "get on the bus" statement. Over the years you've opened up your heart and shared so much with all of us. Different pieces that resonated with each of us at different times.
And now here you are. You're here. The journey is complete, yet it's only just beginning too.
I don't know if I'm adequately writing what I'm feeling. I'm just sitting here with a warm smile on my face remembering all that was, and now looking upon all that is, and my heart just swells.
Congratulations, and welcome home.
This is a beautiful post Steph. I sat here and read it, and what struck me the most was the ending and the beginning of all of this. I remember back two and a half years ago to when you started thinking about adoption. This blog was a journal of your thoughts, concerns, joys, and fears. For those of us who were privliged to join you on your journey from the very start (or at least the start of this blog), I think many of us will never forget the "get on the bus" statement. Over the years you've opened up your heart and shared so much with all of us. Different pieces that resonated with each of us at different times.
And now here you are. You're here. The journey is complete, yet it's only just beginning too.
I don't know if I'm adequately writing what I'm feeling. I'm just sitting here with a warm smile on my face remembering all that was, and now looking upon all that is, and my heart just swells.
Congratulations, and welcome home.
This is a beautiful post Steph. I sat here and read it, and what struck me the most was the ending and the beginning of all of this. I remember back two and a half years ago to when you started thinking about adoption. This blog was a journal of your thoughts, concerns, joys, and fears. For those of us who were privliged to join you on your journey from the very start (or at least the start of this blog), I think many of us will never forget the "get on the bus" statement. Over the years you've opened up your heart and shared so much with all of us. Different pieces that resonated with each of us at different times.
And now here you are. You're here. The journey is complete, yet it's only just beginning too.
I don't know if I'm adequately writing what I'm feeling. I'm just sitting here with a warm smile on my face remembering all that was, and now looking upon all that is, and my heart just swells.
Congratulations, and welcome home.
Great update Stephanie! I remember how 'rough' Nicholas was and how hard we had to teach him to be 'gentle'. Major will learn. Did you read the Heather Forbes book? I wish I had read it and went to the seminar before Nicholas came home, I would have not been so tough on him when I thought I had to be tough.
Nicholas also said Dope for ball. Sound like Major is doing just great in the language department picking up so many signs and English words.
Great update Stephanie! I remember how 'rough' Nicholas was and how hard we had to teach him to be 'gentle'. Major will learn. Did you read the Heather Forbes book? I wish I had read it and went to the seminar before Nicholas came home, I would have not been so tough on him when I thought I had to be tough.
Nicholas also said Dope for ball. Sound like Major is doing just great in the language department picking up so many signs and English words.
Great update Stephanie! I remember how 'rough' Nicholas was and how hard we had to teach him to be 'gentle'. Major will learn. Did you read the Heather Forbes book? I wish I had read it and went to the seminar before Nicholas came home, I would have not been so tough on him when I thought I had to be tough.
Nicholas also said Dope for ball. Sound like Major is doing just great in the language department picking up so many signs and English words.
Thank you so much for your post. God bless you all! You are such a great family!!!!!!
We will continue to watch for posts from you!!!!
Jim & Michelle
Thank you so much for your post. God bless you all! You are such a great family!!!!!!
We will continue to watch for posts from you!!!!
Jim & Michelle
Wonderful update Steph! As always, true to the true blue Steph Style, you are being completely honest with yourself and all your loyal followers. I smiled reading Jen's comment, she is so right, I too remember back 2.5 years ago reading your blog and knowing deep in my heart, this family WILL become a family of 5 someday, no question about it!
I am honored to be your friend and love you to pieces. You are an AMAZING mother, wife and friend. Thank you for all that you are to yourself and all of us.
xxoo
Wonderful update Steph! As always, true to the true blue Steph Style, you are being completely honest with yourself and all your loyal followers. I smiled reading Jen's comment, she is so right, I too remember back 2.5 years ago reading your blog and knowing deep in my heart, this family WILL become a family of 5 someday, no question about it!
I am honored to be your friend and love you to pieces. You are an AMAZING mother, wife and friend. Thank you for all that you are to yourself and all of us.
xxoo
Wonderful update Steph! As always, true to the true blue Steph Style, you are being completely honest with yourself and all your loyal followers. I smiled reading Jen's comment, she is so right, I too remember back 2.5 years ago reading your blog and knowing deep in my heart, this family WILL become a family of 5 someday, no question about it!
I am honored to be your friend and love you to pieces. You are an AMAZING mother, wife and friend. Thank you for all that you are to yourself and all of us.
xxoo
Congratulations!!! I'm so glad you are safely home. You did it, you are finally the family of five you have waited so long to become 🙂 All our love!
Congratulations!!! I'm so glad you are safely home. You did it, you are finally the family of five you have waited so long to become 🙂 All our love!
Congratulations!!! I'm so glad you are safely home. You did it, you are finally the family of five you have waited so long to become 🙂 All our love!
We are all so happy for you and can't wait to meet little Major and see you and the girls this summer!
Love,
Penney, Jeremy, and Michelle
As I read this with tears rolling down my cheeks I am thrilled for this beautiful family of five. The way you write and let us into your lives is so special. You make me smile…..
As I read this with tears rolling down my cheeks I am thrilled for this beautiful family of five. The way you write and let us into your lives is so special. You make me smile…..
What a wonderful post Steph! I agree with all that Jen M. wrote. It certainly has been a privilege to watch your journey unfold. Though there were many times that were frustrating and moments that just didn't make sense, it's incredible to see that all has unfurled with perfect timing.
It is so exciting to hear of all that has happened for your family's transition over the past 12 days. The love and bond that continues to grow and develop is so special and unique that it gives me chills and warms my heart.
I so look forward to meeting you (and your family) in person someday. Hugs to you all. Congratulations!
I've been checking your blog regularly, Steph, and was starting to get worried. So glad to find out everything is more than okay. Congratulations on your family of five and continue to enjoy every second of the first wonderful months as Major blossoms. Mishelle
I've been checking your blog regularly, Steph, and was starting to get worried. So glad to find out everything is more than okay. Congratulations on your family of five and continue to enjoy every second of the first wonderful months as Major blossoms. Mishelle
Thanks for the update. I've been wondering about you all 🙂 I'm impressed that you found the time and energy to post. When we got home with our treasures from Kaz I was so overwhelmed that it was monthes before I updated our Blog!
I'm glad to hear that you're starting to settle in. Best wishes!
Allison
Thanks for the update. I've been wondering about you all 🙂 I'm impressed that you found the time and energy to post. When we got home with our treasures from Kaz I was so overwhelmed that it was monthes before I updated our Blog!
I'm glad to hear that you're starting to settle in. Best wishes!
Allison
Thanks for the update. I've been wondering about you all 🙂 I'm impressed that you found the time and energy to post. When we got home with our treasures from Kaz I was so overwhelmed that it was monthes before I updated our Blog!
I'm glad to hear that you're starting to settle in. Best wishes!
Allison
So so overjoyed to read this today. I was just beginning to think about dashing off a personal little note to ya, but also knew that you would share in your own time and in your own lovely way.(AND knew it would be all be dependent on availible time…which I'm sure is little to none right now!) 🙂
I can't wait to read more snippets of your homecoming and of your time in Kazakhstan….again all in its own time.
Welcome home ~ so delighted to hear that things are settling in so beautifully…..your circle is complete but still "revolving" as you discover one another in new and spectacular ways!
Keep in touch as you can and looking forward to meeting you all in June at KP!!
So so overjoyed to read this today. I was just beginning to think about dashing off a personal little note to ya, but also knew that you would share in your own time and in your own lovely way.(AND knew it would be all be dependent on availible time…which I'm sure is little to none right now!) 🙂
I can't wait to read more snippets of your homecoming and of your time in Kazakhstan….again all in its own time.
Welcome home ~ so delighted to hear that things are settling in so beautifully…..your circle is complete but still "revolving" as you discover one another in new and spectacular ways!
Keep in touch as you can and looking forward to meeting you all in June at KP!!
Steph – Eli says the "alla?" alot too – not sure what it means, but it's a constant phrase, so if you find out – let me know!
Kristen
Steph – Eli says the "alla?" alot too – not sure what it means, but it's a constant phrase, so if you find out – let me know!
Kristen