Where we usually have our visit at 4pm, today were were called at 8 am and told to be ready for 9:30 am for a morning visit since it’s Christmas. When we got in the car, there were the two Belgian couples who we were told about by our coordinator who are also working with the same group of people — they are Jan, Sabine, Thoma and Marie. They were delightful and I asked if they knew each other before. They actually met on the internet and then had the opportunity to travel together. What a bond will be formed there. The air in the car was full of laughter, talking and translating. They are both bonding with boys — age 7 and 8 months, respectively, one Russian and one Kazakh. They are both younger than us and told us that when you are under 30 in Belgium, you are guaranteed a younger baby. I still feel that we must have been given the child definitely meant for us, and perhaps I will get the exercise I always didn’t make time for with all the up and down i have been doing with a very active toddler in my life.
In one of the play rooms, we finally met the couple from Ohio, Rebecca and Mike, who are adopting a 13 month old girl. I had my video camera out today to capture Batyrhan running to us and with my video camera trained on him, he ran into the room and made a beeline for the little girl sitting on the blanket with new toys. So much for a greeting! So, since the couple didn’t mind, for a while we all sat on the same blanket and just let the kids play with toys. But shortly we were up and chasing Batyrhan trying to prevent him from interfering with the seamstress, now working on a pair of pants, while Mike and Rebecca’s little girl quietly played with toys and sat on their lap. There was also a partially open door of an office where 8 caregivers in white coats could be seen through the glass walls of the office (and only a sheer curtain) standing on desks and jumping through hoola hoops with one caregiver patting the ass of the one in front of her as she ducked inside the circle of the hoola hoop. Is this a visual! It was quite amusing to see — they were either working out a lesson plan for a gym class or working on a skit for a show. Either way, when they saw us looking and smiling, one of the woman came out of the door without a smile and closed the curtains better with a quick swish. Ooops. Pazhalusta.
Batyrhan showed no discrimination with us today and the other couple in the room. I was very impressed with Mike, the other dad, who, when Batyrhan lifted up his arms to him as if he was his daddy, simply directed him over to Gary. Batyrhan is now also very comfortable with our translator and raises his arms to be lifted by him. We can see that this might be problematic later on as everyone will want to love and hug him, but in the beginning, the constant passing around, so common usually with new babies, will not serve us well to help us stand out to him as different. Often, even between me and Gary, we see that Batyrhan will struggle and reach out to the other. It has nothing to do with wanting to get to the other, but rather, it appears that he wants to get away from the one holding. I am usually the one who he is struggling to get away from. Today we had a few calm minutes looking out the window at the trees and snowy branches. Musical toys seem to hold Batyrhan’s interest well, my singing appears to be torture. I wonder how we will do at a Gymboree class … He’ll need a place like that for running around at least shortly after we get back. My house now seems way too small.
I felt better today – happy to interact with others (the Belgian couples and the ones from Ohio). I also enjoyed being in the playroom for just about 1.25 hours, with a bright sun shining and Batyrhan not as unhappy as yesterday. It felt enjoyable to intersperse the play with discussion with Mike and Rebecca. I have been missing conversation, the English language, rapport. I am getting more conversation with Gary than I have ever gotten in my life and I love it. But I realize I miss interaction with others so badly. Even just normal day to day you’d get in the grocery store at home that satisfies the part of me that enjoys a feeling of “community.”
It is just 12:45 pm now on Christmas day. I think we were supposed to have a group dinner but I’m not sure as Bolot seemed caught off guard when we mentioned it again today. Either way, I rather like the morning visit as it was enjoyable, sunny and also appears to give us the rest of the day to explore a bit.
Here are some photos of the day.
Batyrhan loves bringing shoes to their rightful owner.
Family shot on Christmas Day 2009 😉
Batyrhan interacting with another little girl’s daddy.
Daddy and Son
I was able to read to Batyrhan for just a moment today.
Puffs helped a bit but he still struggled to be free of me.
Batyrhan was fearful of the balls the other day but today enjoyed just chilling out in the ball pit for just a few seconds at a time, but often today.
I do often marvel at his good looks. He has a very sweet face.
Signs of Ball Pit fun to come at children’s play centers all over New York.
A little pointy tongue comes out in concentration when he studies toys he likes. The toys have to do something to be fun for him.
There are a few windows that Batyrhan and I go to when he’s getting overstimulated. We look out the windows and watch the snow falling from the trees.
With Aida, one of Batyrhan’s caregivers, and another caregiver.
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10pm — I did a lot of thinking today and also have received some great feedback from fellow Kaz moms. I feel like I need a little disclaimer – the entire past week and a half I forgot to take my medicine for my pituitary issue and I have a feeling it added to some mopey-ness the past couple of days. But I remembered tonight and surely it will kick in and regulate me again. My feelings are not made up however — my concerns are real but I also think, after it being pointed out to me, unfounded in many ways. Batyrhan doesn’t know me a full 24 hours yet. Surely, just like everyone else who has adopted, he will learn to love me too. I allowed myself finally to shed a few tears tonight — the pent up anxiety, my concern for how this will play out at home. I felt better after a late afternoon walk and some site seeing at the Green Market and shopping at the Rahmat (Paxxat) chocolate factory store and then just hanging out in the grocery store for a while shopping for more chocolates and water. Having the morning visit and the whole day ahead of us to move at a slower pace definitely felt better to me and I could feel my spirits lifting more. We had our visit in the morning and then had a late lunch and walk and were out of our hotel a total of about 4 hours this afternoon.
Once back in the hotel, I finally had the wonderful opportunity to speak with my mom for a full hour while the kids are out visiting Gary’s family. Since I have been gone, we haven’t spoken privately on Skype. It gave me the opportunity to be more frank about my worries and desire to make our attachment grow when I get home. When we finished our Skype call, I felt confident that I can make this work and make systems in my home work to allow him more space. While here, it’s true that I am not as much “fun” as Gary is. I don’t have the strength or stamina as Gary does to keep lifting 22 lbs above my head to make Batyrhan laugh, though I do it as best as I can. Usually kids like songs like “Wheels on the Bus” because it uses hand movements but he has zero interest in this or even other fun lap games like “See Saw Who’s There?” I am coming into this experience with a lot of love in my heart for Batyrhan and also almost 8 years of loving my children intensely and it being received well from Day One. It is not so much the fact that I need him to look me in the eye while here (though he did more of this the first 3 days, likely more from curiosity that has since been satisfied.) It’s my concern of whether he will love me and learn well how to be part of a family. I am reminded that once at home, there is a lot less pressure than it is here where there are many watchful eyes. As well, there are so many places we need to watch in these rooms. He is not content on a blanket with a few toys. He wants to explore his environment and surely, back at home, he will have ample opportunity to do so in a very safe environment. In these rooms, though I am told to consider this “play time” there are too many opportunities where it is mandatory where Gary and I re-direct him and “parent” him. Some things that have happened are that he threw a large toy on the 13 year old’s head today, he climbs on ledges, opens every door, pushes over small chairs, bangs on pianos with my muddy boots (before Gary caught him), tries to leave the Exit at any opportunity and takes the seamstress’s hat and fabric and throws it on the floor. Typical boy stuff? Likely. But it doesn’t make it easy when so many people are passing through the rooms to check in and see how you are managing. Today, there must have been 15 caregivers in our room at one point back and forth. The rooms we are in have no cabinet latches and some heat pipes are often exposed or there are things like wooden desks or seamstresses working electric sewing machines or Christmas trees smack in the middle of the room. Even near the ball pit that Batyrhan likes, there are ladders stored behind the pit and metal toy bins and metal structures (some sort of decoration or game?) that are not safe at all. If it was a truly child proofed room, we could more easily sit back and just relax and enjoy him at play. In these spaces, we have to be on top of him a bit.
I will not push my love on him. I will simply love and nurture him and will let nature take its course. Part of my issue is a sort of homesickness. I didn’t feel it so much while in Italy with my mom for 13 days. The sun shone and that always helps, plus we were so pampered and well taken care of. Here, we are often on our own either speaking a slow English to our translator and asking them lots of questions about their life or using hand gestures to people who speak no English at all. Often during the day, my heart strings tug thinking of Emma and Eden. Not many people who come half way around the world to adopt leaves very young children at home. I know that likely that has a lot to do with me not feeling like this is one big vacation. I enjoy my time with Gary, my meal experiences, our visits, new adventures. But it’s also getting to be a cold winter here and snow covers everything and the walking around that I was looking forward to feels like drudgery sometimes when you just have to keep moving because of the cold. I am sure that during the spring or summer, if I had the chance to sit on a park bench and just enjoy my surroundings instead of to keep walking to maintain a warmth in my bones, it would be a different experience too. I have 4 full days left here in Almaty for Trip #1, with much to accomplish and a lighter feeling about me now that I got this all out. I have never once considered that Batyrhan should not be the son for us, thankfully. I just know that, given his age plus his natural and wonderful curiosity combined with an institutionalization with no primary caregiver, it will be a hard road ahead for a bit. I also know that one day, when he is speaking English and finally genuinely wraps his arms around me, I know my happy tears will flow. If I only had a crystal ball. But I feel in a way that the experiences of my fellow Kaz moms will act as crystal balls. This can and will happen and I just have to go with the flow. Thank you so very much to everyone for your support!! I am being honest here and once again hope that this will not deter anyone to adopt but rather serves to educate about the reality of the real ebb and flow of emotions that happens during the adoption process. I am grateful to all of you who have offered your advice and own experiences. I am going to really enjoy these next few days with a new realistic perspective and the reminder that this time is precious and my time in Almaty in general is fleeting.
Merry Christmas to all my friends who celebrate!
Hi Steph,
What a nice change it was to visit in the morning and meet other couples. That really makes a world of difference. I was so grateful when Jeannie and Kirk came a week after me. We spent everyday together and remain very close till this day. I hope you got the Ohio couple's phone # so you can hopefully get together again.
I hear it in your voice you are missing home so much and of course your girls. Hopefully the time will go quickly by and you will be home before you know it.
Hang in there my friend, you are doing an amazing job with your beautiful but very active toddler.
Love you and miss you.
Hi Steph,
What a nice change it was to visit in the morning and meet other couples. That really makes a world of difference. I was so grateful when Jeannie and Kirk came a week after me. We spent everyday together and remain very close till this day. I hope you got the Ohio couple's phone # so you can hopefully get together again.
I hear it in your voice you are missing home so much and of course your girls. Hopefully the time will go quickly by and you will be home before you know it.
Hang in there my friend, you are doing an amazing job with your beautiful but very active toddler.
Love you and miss you.
as someone who started with a boy, it is always great fun to see people experience boy-ness activity when they have previously only had girl-ness activity. you can hardly compare the two! boys just go go go and then go some more. sit and look at books? HAH! sit and color for 30 minutes? har har har! sit for more than 5 seconds? yeah, right! they are fun, and they do not stop for one minute. 🙂
as someone who started with a boy, it is always great fun to see people experience boy-ness activity when they have previously only had girl-ness activity. you can hardly compare the two! boys just go go go and then go some more. sit and look at books? HAH! sit and color for 30 minutes? har har har! sit for more than 5 seconds? yeah, right! they are fun, and they do not stop for one minute. 🙂
as someone who started with a boy, it is always great fun to see people experience boy-ness activity when they have previously only had girl-ness activity. you can hardly compare the two! boys just go go go and then go some more. sit and look at books? HAH! sit and color for 30 minutes? har har har! sit for more than 5 seconds? yeah, right! they are fun, and they do not stop for one minute. 🙂
Thank you so much for your honesty. From one who is preparing to travel, I appreciate you sharing the ups and downs of this emotional roller coaster ride. It is obvious that you are a wonderful mother to your 2 girls and I have no doubt your little boy's feelings will grow in love and attachment for you once you get him home, away from all the distractions.
Hi Steph,
It was nice to wake up to more thoughts from you. I feel for you so much, more then you can ever imagine. I know how hard it is and to worry non-stop will this little person ever "really" love me. Yes, Henry was my first child of my own but having been a nanny for 20 years plus, only only with a few select families I knew what "true" love was from an infant and a toddler. I kept looking at Henry and not on purpose I kept comparing Henry to David at 9 months old. By the time David was 9 months, just a look across the room told David everything was alright. Henry never even looked where I was. I was heart broken and worried sick. I was not as honest on my blog as you are being. I was scared to really share my deep fears. And as I have shared with you before, things got much worse before they got better. It took Henry a long time to learn what a family was and that I was his mommy and I would always be there for him.
I still look at him in complete wonderment as how far he has come. The first time he laid his head on my shoulder, without me asking , I cried and called Colene. Henry had been home 2 months at that point. That is when I knew, things were going to be alright. As you know, Henry is so loving and just adores me and gives me almost no space to breath but hey that is okay, I wold not trade it for the world.
Steph, I am here for you and will guild you with a loving hand all the way. Before you blink and eye this will be a memory of the past and you will have a wonderful story to share about your little fellow. I have full confidence your little man is going to do beautifully in your loving arms. You are the best mom ever!
I love you
Hi Steph,
It was nice to wake up to more thoughts from you. I feel for you so much, more then you can ever imagine. I know how hard it is and to worry non-stop will this little person ever "really" love me. Yes, Henry was my first child of my own but having been a nanny for 20 years plus, only only with a few select families I knew what "true" love was from an infant and a toddler. I kept looking at Henry and not on purpose I kept comparing Henry to David at 9 months old. By the time David was 9 months, just a look across the room told David everything was alright. Henry never even looked where I was. I was heart broken and worried sick. I was not as honest on my blog as you are being. I was scared to really share my deep fears. And as I have shared with you before, things got much worse before they got better. It took Henry a long time to learn what a family was and that I was his mommy and I would always be there for him.
I still look at him in complete wonderment as how far he has come. The first time he laid his head on my shoulder, without me asking , I cried and called Colene. Henry had been home 2 months at that point. That is when I knew, things were going to be alright. As you know, Henry is so loving and just adores me and gives me almost no space to breath but hey that is okay, I wold not trade it for the world.
Steph, I am here for you and will guild you with a loving hand all the way. Before you blink and eye this will be a memory of the past and you will have a wonderful story to share about your little fellow. I have full confidence your little man is going to do beautifully in your loving arms. You are the best mom ever!
I love you
Hi Steph,
It was nice to wake up to more thoughts from you. I feel for you so much, more then you can ever imagine. I know how hard it is and to worry non-stop will this little person ever "really" love me. Yes, Henry was my first child of my own but having been a nanny for 20 years plus, only only with a few select families I knew what "true" love was from an infant and a toddler. I kept looking at Henry and not on purpose I kept comparing Henry to David at 9 months old. By the time David was 9 months, just a look across the room told David everything was alright. Henry never even looked where I was. I was heart broken and worried sick. I was not as honest on my blog as you are being. I was scared to really share my deep fears. And as I have shared with you before, things got much worse before they got better. It took Henry a long time to learn what a family was and that I was his mommy and I would always be there for him.
I still look at him in complete wonderment as how far he has come. The first time he laid his head on my shoulder, without me asking , I cried and called Colene. Henry had been home 2 months at that point. That is when I knew, things were going to be alright. As you know, Henry is so loving and just adores me and gives me almost no space to breath but hey that is okay, I wold not trade it for the world.
Steph, I am here for you and will guild you with a loving hand all the way. Before you blink and eye this will be a memory of the past and you will have a wonderful story to share about your little fellow. I have full confidence your little man is going to do beautifully in your loving arms. You are the best mom ever!
I love you
Remember to be patient with yourself. Its very difficult to be so far away from home, immersed in a totally different culture and full of a wide range of emotions.
Bonding and attachment will take time. Remember you're still on your journey.
I have found from experience that boys are different from girls. They are active and very hands-on. Sitting still is not their first choice! They are a wonder and joy in their own special way.
I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and sending good thoughts your way.
Best wishes.
Allison
Remember to be patient with yourself. Its very difficult to be so far away from home, immersed in a totally different culture and full of a wide range of emotions.
Bonding and attachment will take time. Remember you're still on your journey.
I have found from experience that boys are different from girls. They are active and very hands-on. Sitting still is not their first choice! They are a wonder and joy in their own special way.
I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and sending good thoughts your way.
Best wishes.
Allison
Stephanie, I will try to get a longer email out to you, too, but wanted to comment. First, it's really hard to judge about attachment with other people in the room. Nicholas did the very same thing when other families were in the same room. During our court trip, he went to the other dad (Italian), said 'papa' and gave him a hug…to our dismay. He didn't so much as look at Robert!
We had another family in there with a baby and he was naturally attracted to the babies, I think he just was curious and he would try to give a toy…I wondered though if he was trying to 'charm' the other couple.
It sounds like you are in a tough spot with the room, it just sounds awful and not very conducive to bonding. Have you talked to Tatiana about this?
I also want to congratulate you on your honesty, you have been so much more honest than I was on my blog. It's just how it is, it's not a fairytale as some people might imagine!
Hang in there!
Stephanie, I will try to get a longer email out to you, too, but wanted to comment. First, it's really hard to judge about attachment with other people in the room. Nicholas did the very same thing when other families were in the same room. During our court trip, he went to the other dad (Italian), said 'papa' and gave him a hug…to our dismay. He didn't so much as look at Robert!
We had another family in there with a baby and he was naturally attracted to the babies, I think he just was curious and he would try to give a toy…I wondered though if he was trying to 'charm' the other couple.
It sounds like you are in a tough spot with the room, it just sounds awful and not very conducive to bonding. Have you talked to Tatiana about this?
I also want to congratulate you on your honesty, you have been so much more honest than I was on my blog. It's just how it is, it's not a fairytale as some people might imagine!
Hang in there!
Stephanie, I will try to get a longer email out to you, too, but wanted to comment. First, it's really hard to judge about attachment with other people in the room. Nicholas did the very same thing when other families were in the same room. During our court trip, he went to the other dad (Italian), said 'papa' and gave him a hug…to our dismay. He didn't so much as look at Robert!
We had another family in there with a baby and he was naturally attracted to the babies, I think he just was curious and he would try to give a toy…I wondered though if he was trying to 'charm' the other couple.
It sounds like you are in a tough spot with the room, it just sounds awful and not very conducive to bonding. Have you talked to Tatiana about this?
I also want to congratulate you on your honesty, you have been so much more honest than I was on my blog. It's just how it is, it's not a fairytale as some people might imagine!
Hang in there!