I had made no plans for all of November and some of December. My calendar was a wide open blank slate of dates and experiences that would never need to be filled in. I would have spent that time in Kazakhstan in some sort of alternate universe of days that blended into others, time spent with a new child, while life back at home went on as usual. A parallel life of sorts for what would amount to be really a few short weeks of our lives.
But, alas, I am here and no dates to travel yet at all. Likely 2010. I will not unpack just yet, but it’s time to move my bags away from the front door and up to the attic. I can not keep looking at them. It’s time to at least take out my favorite jeans. It’s time to take my airplane snacks out of my carry on bags and eat them.
It’s time to stop saying “I’m not supposed to be here, this is like bonus time!” because the truth is, this *is* exactly where I am supposed to be now. This is not a “pretend” life — these days are real and they count. I wasn’t supposed to attend a few upcoming weekend activities with the kids, but now I will be able to. I wasn’t supposed to be here for Thanksgiving — we were supposed to have a “second” Thanksgiving at my parents house when I returned. But now, I will be here and there will be no need for a duplicate. I wasn’t supposed to see my friends’ baby until she was over a month old, but now I will see her as a newborn. I wasn’t supposed to be going to see Billy Elliott with my mom on Wednesday, but now I am. I wasn’t supposed to be here in my house tonight watching TV with my parents. I wasn’t supposed to be having a family day tomorrow visiting Gary’s family. I wasn’t supposed to be here to see the completion of the brick work in front of my house. I wasn’t supposed to have a guitar lesson this Tuesday which I am going to call to schedule, because HERE I AM and likely will be for weeks.
I am happy to be here to experience and do these things. The shock is wearing off and my days go on as usual. I am actually enjoying my children very much this week feeling as if, after all my running around in high speed mode, time opened up for me and the time I have been spending with them is more relaxed and slow and organized and routine. But at the same time, I am deflated. Not depressed, not sad, but just …. pfffftt (imagine sound a blown up balloon makes when you let go and it flies around the room.)
Some friends and family emailed or called and asked me how I was doing a few days after the news and the shock of not getting on the plane wore off. I appreciate the compassion because you know what, this is a huge disappointment, one that likely I brushed off too quickly, trying to be all “flipping it around.” I can honestly say I am handling it extremely well and generally *do* have a great attitude because I know this just wasn’t the time to go, there are reasons beyond my knowledge and understanding and one day I will know why we were delayed. But yet I do feel a little out of sorts. The quicker we get there, the quicker we become a family to a little boy, the quicker our family finds its missing piece, the quicker my girls get to see the face of the brother they tell me they already love.
I’ve never been so close to anything before — the proverbial precipice was a plane ride away, and then to have something, the idea of something, the journey, a child, pulled away from you with no definite timeline set forth. It’s disconcerting, to say the least. It’s absolutely unequivocally par for the course, and totally expected in the adoption world. But yet, I am still just a girl wanting to finally hold my baby.
Soon soon soon dear boy …. twisted red threads and all, we’re coming for you soon.
Oh Steph, I feel for you and I can hear the sadness in your voice as you write. When you first told me you were not leaving tuesday but then it would friday, I was like okay I can handle that then with a big let down you were not leaving at all and then there are no dates yet. Oh, how disappointing, I know! I can only imagine how disappointing it is… but as you said the timing is not right yet and when it is you will board the plane to the far away land of "Kaz"!!!
Enjoy these last few weeks as a family of 4 because it will be a family of 5 before you know it!
Love you,
Carolyn
Oh Steph, I feel for you and I can hear the sadness in your voice as you write. When you first told me you were not leaving tuesday but then it would friday, I was like okay I can handle that then with a big let down you were not leaving at all and then there are no dates yet. Oh, how disappointing, I know! I can only imagine how disappointing it is… but as you said the timing is not right yet and when it is you will board the plane to the far away land of "Kaz"!!!
Enjoy these last few weeks as a family of 4 because it will be a family of 5 before you know it!
Love you,
Carolyn
Oh Steph, I feel for you and I can hear the sadness in your voice as you write. When you first told me you were not leaving tuesday but then it would friday, I was like okay I can handle that then with a big let down you were not leaving at all and then there are no dates yet. Oh, how disappointing, I know! I can only imagine how disappointing it is… but as you said the timing is not right yet and when it is you will board the plane to the far away land of "Kaz"!!!
Enjoy these last few weeks as a family of 4 because it will be a family of 5 before you know it!
Love you,
Carolyn
oh gosh. such a disappointment! I understand your feelings. I had thought you were really just waiting a few days and would still be traveling sometime REALLY soon. I'm so sorry that it's so indefinite at this point. Was your agency able to tell you WHY or when they think you WILL go? This journey is so uncertain. I hope you DO get to go sooner than 2010. (((hugs)))
oh gosh. such a disappointment! I understand your feelings. I had thought you were really just waiting a few days and would still be traveling sometime REALLY soon. I'm so sorry that it's so indefinite at this point. Was your agency able to tell you WHY or when they think you WILL go? This journey is so uncertain. I hope you DO get to go sooner than 2010. (((hugs)))
oh gosh. such a disappointment! I understand your feelings. I had thought you were really just waiting a few days and would still be traveling sometime REALLY soon. I'm so sorry that it's so indefinite at this point. Was your agency able to tell you WHY or when they think you WILL go? This journey is so uncertain. I hope you DO get to go sooner than 2010. (((hugs)))
Sorry to hear that you are traveling later than you thought. After having gone through this once already, I can say that this was the worst time of the whole experience. We waited several months after most of the other families assigned our region at the same time traveled. And waited. And waited. Life stood still and was extremely unproductive. Work suffered. Home suffered. I couldn't bring myself to do anything but wait and hope. I'm hoping for my family's sake and my work performance sake that we don't have a repeat this time – but I can understand how easy it is to live in that twilight zone. So, you seem to be donning a good attitude. And, frankly, I think that once you start making other plans, that's when Murphy's Law happens and you'll get your LOI! All the best!
Sorry to hear that you are traveling later than you thought. After having gone through this once already, I can say that this was the worst time of the whole experience. We waited several months after most of the other families assigned our region at the same time traveled. And waited. And waited. Life stood still and was extremely unproductive. Work suffered. Home suffered. I couldn't bring myself to do anything but wait and hope. I'm hoping for my family's sake and my work performance sake that we don't have a repeat this time – but I can understand how easy it is to live in that twilight zone. So, you seem to be donning a good attitude. And, frankly, I think that once you start making other plans, that's when Murphy's Law happens and you'll get your LOI! All the best!
Sorry to hear that you are traveling later than you thought. After having gone through this once already, I can say that this was the worst time of the whole experience. We waited several months after most of the other families assigned our region at the same time traveled. And waited. And waited. Life stood still and was extremely unproductive. Work suffered. Home suffered. I couldn't bring myself to do anything but wait and hope. I'm hoping for my family's sake and my work performance sake that we don't have a repeat this time – but I can understand how easy it is to live in that twilight zone. So, you seem to be donning a good attitude. And, frankly, I think that once you start making other plans, that's when Murphy's Law happens and you'll get your LOI! All the best!
Steph,
I can honestly say I really know how you feel, but unlike you I have been seeing things on a more negative note, reading your last post really made me think, yes I am meant to be here and when the time is right we will both get to hold our little boys!!!!
Thanks again for helping me see the glass half full instead of half empty.
Steph,
I can honestly say I really know how you feel, but unlike you I have been seeing things on a more negative note, reading your last post really made me think, yes I am meant to be here and when the time is right we will both get to hold our little boys!!!!
Thanks again for helping me see the glass half full instead of half empty.
Steph,
I can honestly say I really know how you feel, but unlike you I have been seeing things on a more negative note, reading your last post really made me think, yes I am meant to be here and when the time is right we will both get to hold our little boys!!!!
Thanks again for helping me see the glass half full instead of half empty.
On TV, when characters have an alternative reality it interesting and often funny. When it happens in real life it is down right awful. Getting past what might have been is so hard when you don't have a new time line. I'm praying you find peace in the 'new reality' and can truly enjoy all the wonderful family experiences to come in the next few months.
On TV, when characters have an alternative reality it interesting and often funny. When it happens in real life it is down right awful. Getting past what might have been is so hard when you don't have a new time line. I'm praying you find peace in the 'new reality' and can truly enjoy all the wonderful family experiences to come in the next few months.
On TV, when characters have an alternative reality it interesting and often funny. When it happens in real life it is down right awful. Getting past what might have been is so hard when you don't have a new time line. I'm praying you find peace in the 'new reality' and can truly enjoy all the wonderful family experiences to come in the next few months.
Last year at this time we went through a very similar experience – we even scheduled an Early Christmas with the boys and when we found out that we wouldn't be in Kaz over Christmas after all we gave the boys the choice and they decided to still celebrate Early Christmas in place of the regularly scheduled holiday! We ended up traveling in early January, and although, like you, we were disappointed with the delay, you are very wise in remembering and reminding yourself that you will be there soon and the timing will be *perfect*.
Last year at this time we went through a very similar experience – we even scheduled an Early Christmas with the boys and when we found out that we wouldn't be in Kaz over Christmas after all we gave the boys the choice and they decided to still celebrate Early Christmas in place of the regularly scheduled holiday! We ended up traveling in early January, and although, like you, we were disappointed with the delay, you are very wise in remembering and reminding yourself that you will be there soon and the timing will be *perfect*.
Last year at this time we went through a very similar experience – we even scheduled an Early Christmas with the boys and when we found out that we wouldn't be in Kaz over Christmas after all we gave the boys the choice and they decided to still celebrate Early Christmas in place of the regularly scheduled holiday! We ended up traveling in early January, and although, like you, we were disappointed with the delay, you are very wise in remembering and reminding yourself that you will be there soon and the timing will be *perfect*.
You have an amazing attitude that I can tell is very genuine, my friend. It's hard to ride this rollercoaster for so long, but you are at least enjoying the ride to the best of your ability. Your tomorrows will come, but until then continue to enjoy your precious present. 🙂 xoxo
You have an amazing attitude that I can tell is very genuine, my friend. It's hard to ride this rollercoaster for so long, but you are at least enjoying the ride to the best of your ability. Your tomorrows will come, but until then continue to enjoy your precious present. 🙂 xoxo
You have an amazing attitude that I can tell is very genuine, my friend. It's hard to ride this rollercoaster for so long, but you are at least enjoying the ride to the best of your ability. Your tomorrows will come, but until then continue to enjoy your precious present. 🙂 xoxo
I'm sorry your trip got delayed. It's torture, I know. You are being so good about talking about all of the things that WILL happen because you not travelling yet and not just the things are aren't happening right now. They will happen when your son is ready for you. It's all a plan. Hang in there and enjoy the holidays. Who knows, maybe you will go sooner than expected!
Andrea
Mommy to Anelya from Semey
Oh, gosh, that must feel awful. The waiting is different for China but so hard, and the putting everything off, not scheduling, telling people maybe, maybe, maybe on everything–maybe I can come, maybe I can do that–is so hard!
That said, now I remember it, but I don't. It's like the end of a pregnancy, except unfortunately without that absolute end date. Good luck–
Hello- we are in the same boat you are- we have our LOI for Almaty, and we are still waiting for travel dates.
If you would like to talk..my email is [email protected]
Hang in there!
Hugs
Hi there, I read your last post and as a fellow adoptive Kaz family, I know how hard the waiting, starts and stops can be. We also have two 'bio' kids, and it was hard to see their frustration too. We brought our little Kaz girl home this summer. I admire your strength, and 'feel your pain' – email me if you'd like to read our blog some time! With best wishes for news soon, from Alison in Ohio – [email protected]
Hi there, I read your last post and as a fellow adoptive Kaz family, I know how hard the waiting, starts and stops can be. We also have two 'bio' kids, and it was hard to see their frustration too. We brought our little Kaz girl home this summer. I admire your strength, and 'feel your pain' – email me if you'd like to read our blog some time! With best wishes for news soon, from Alison in Ohio – [email protected]
Hi there, I read your last post and as a fellow adoptive Kaz family, I know how hard the waiting, starts and stops can be. We also have two 'bio' kids, and it was hard to see their frustration too. We brought our little Kaz girl home this summer. I admire your strength, and 'feel your pain' – email me if you'd like to read our blog some time! With best wishes for news soon, from Alison in Ohio – [email protected]
THinking of you lots. I know you are disappointed, but you have a great perspective on it. Sounds like a comment I could say to myself right around now 🙂
Thinking of you lots and the only thing I can say is that one day, when you hold your little man, it will ALL make sense. Every last delay will simply bea necessity in the road to 5.
THinking of you lots. I know you are disappointed, but you have a great perspective on it. Sounds like a comment I could say to myself right around now 🙂
Thinking of you lots and the only thing I can say is that one day, when you hold your little man, it will ALL make sense. Every last delay will simply bea necessity in the road to 5.
THinking of you lots. I know you are disappointed, but you have a great perspective on it. Sounds like a comment I could say to myself right around now 🙂
Thinking of you lots and the only thing I can say is that one day, when you hold your little man, it will ALL make sense. Every last delay will simply bea necessity in the road to 5.
i've been holding my breath and checking the blog and facebook, hoping to see your "see you soon!" postings and know you are on your way to kaz… but i know it will happen when it is the right time, and you are so right, we do not know when that will be, we will just understand it when it comes… we are here, if you want to plan a cousins day! the kids would love to see the girls and of course we'd love to see you! (((hugs))) hang in there momma…
i've been holding my breath and checking the blog and facebook, hoping to see your "see you soon!" postings and know you are on your way to kaz… but i know it will happen when it is the right time, and you are so right, we do not know when that will be, we will just understand it when it comes… we are here, if you want to plan a cousins day! the kids would love to see the girls and of course we'd love to see you! (((hugs))) hang in there momma…
i've been holding my breath and checking the blog and facebook, hoping to see your "see you soon!" postings and know you are on your way to kaz… but i know it will happen when it is the right time, and you are so right, we do not know when that will be, we will just understand it when it comes… we are here, if you want to plan a cousins day! the kids would love to see the girls and of course we'd love to see you! (((hugs))) hang in there momma…