Reflections

I have spent the last two days reading over my blog from Day 1. It seems so clear now, the trajectory my life was taking. I am so grateful I had the notion to begin this blog over two years ago when I was not yet decided, had so many unknowns, still had much to teach my husband about the forgotten children. But there was a passion and conviction and dedication, even to the process of research, that was evident right away. People say I am brave or courageous. I don’t feel brave or courageous at all. I am as nervous and scared as the next person about this new experience. But the same way someone might be nervous about going away to college. No one would ever say “You are so brave to venture to the unknown!” The college goer is scared like anyone else but just following through with the next chapter of his life. It is a known fact that college is his next chapter and he packs his bags and sets off for a new experience. I feel that way about myself. This is simply the next chapter of my life. An unknown but my own path. I am not afraid in the sense that makes me feel — wow, look at me, I feel the fear and I just do it anyway. I am simply following what feels like a magnetic pull that requires no thought, but simply putting one foot in front of the other for the purpose of bringing our child home into a FAMILY. This is the end result, what I always wanted. Kim said I don’t feel brave about this because this is just my “make-up” and I’m doing what I am supposed to do. Does one feel brave when they follow their calling or do they just put one foot in front of the other? I am also amazed when I read back over the two years how moved and touched Gary was by adoption and the children during some moments in these past few years. I am now more confident than ever that his heart will open up while there and something in his brain will shift. And then, the way stories often go, one day he’ll regale people with stories about the time he tried to convince me to adopt a baby. And you know what, I’ll look over at him and smile, will bite my tongue and just let him tell “his” story.