Click Click Click Click Click Click

This is the sound of my roller coaster car at the pinnacle … I am so very close.

This week has been a whirlwind … Despite a fellow blog reader thinking she saw me and my family in Frankfurt this week, no, that was not me. We are still here in Brooklyn busy as bees getting ready for this journey. The adrenaline in my system, which literally rendered me incapable of speaking or thinking clearly for two days when I was first told I’d be traveling in 7 days, has lessened. My palms have stopped sweating, Gary and I have stopped bickering, my throat has stopped catching, I have stopped crying in the shower, and my heart has returned to a normal rhythm. The fact that we’d soon be leaving to meet a child has not been a surprise as we’ve been planning for this for so long. So I never expected a physical reaction like I had when we were told we’d be going soon. It caught me off guard. I was amazed that Gary appeared so very calm and told him so. He replied “I’m not calm or anxious. I have not been thinking about it at all. I guess I’m just in a state of denial.” Hence the appearance of calm! Of course every last minute thing that needs to be done has not been handled by Gary, but by me. The only job I have given to Gary is to buy his own winter coat and hat and order us a portable DVD player. Aside from signing the paperwork and signing off on Visas, I have given Gary minimal work, meaning all pressure lies on me but it’s what I know is best in this situation as he prepares to leave his business for 3 weeks, and all the preparation that involves. I am exercising my “make things happen” and “decision-making” muscles, big time!

The Consulate of Kazakhstan called me this morning and my visas will be arriving tomorrow. My bags are packed haphazardly and will be organized tonight. Last night I spent time at Target buying toys and books and Gerber Puffs for our baby bonding visits. How old will Baby Boy be? Will he play with the balls I bought or the teething rings? Will I soon see fat pudgy fingers on the Karen Katz board books I have bought? I will also bring along some of Emma and Eden’s favorite board books. I also bought Boggle, Checkers and Chess for me and Gary.

So, Expect the UnExpected motto. It has already reared its head. My dear daughters will officially not be joining us on this trip. My brother Brian, who has been set to travel with us for so long, is no longer able to leave on the earlier dates that now lie before us. Has the fact that our caregiver is no longer available been a blessing in disguise? Perhaps. I sure hope so. The original intended 7 days Until Travel has been changed to 10 Days Until Travel. But as of today, that likely means 8 more days here. My brother works in LA in the television field and has a huge project going on that would render him unable to join us all out in Kaz until about 4 or 5 days after Gary and I arrived with the children. This didn’t make sense for us as it was the first week that I felt I needed the care for the girls as we went through the matching process and all the potential stress involved. Other travel and caregiver options were offered to try to make this work, but after much angst and decision making, Gary and I officially decided that we will shoulder on and proceed with all we need to as a united front of two while in Kaz. I mourn the loss of all I imagined — that my “journey to 5” would complete itself while in Kaz, that my dear sensitive daughter Emma would get to experience a life unknown to her and begin the comprehension of the life lived by her brother in an orphanage, that my brother, a guy funny as heck, would lessen our stress, regale us with stories, and build stories with us about “the time we all spent together in Kazakhstan”, that our family of 5 would bond together, that we’d spend time with the children and I’d finally make use of all the Trip Advisor research I did with my lists of “Things to Do with Children in Kazakhstan.” Bowling at the Mega Mall, rocking climbing and ice skating, play centers, walks in town, but most importantly, the JOY of seeing my three children together for the first time in the land of our son’s birth.

I have learned to just go with the Flow. I have learned to Give Up and Let it Go. I have learned that there must be plans in store for us. I originally hoped for a larger city because I’d be traveling with my children. Now we are going to Almaty, THE largest city, but we won’t have the children with us. Perhaps the fact that we needed to make this arrangement in anticipation of the kids coming was actually leading us to where we needed to be to meet our son — in Almaty. Likely, given the fact that my sweet little Eden is prone to melt downs and exhaustion at times, the fact that we are traveling alone will make it so much easier on us. Do I feel sad? Will I feel bereft of my family for so long? Without a doubt. Will I bond with my husband in the way I hoped to bond with my entire family for three weeks, in a way I have not bonded for likely 11 years of marriage or more? Yes, as well. Gary and I will clearheadedly go through the “birth” of our new family as a focused, united team. This much I know is true.

As the days get closer and I prepare my hand carry documents and accomplish all I need to for this big journey, I never forget that there is a little boy on the other side of this journey who is waiting for a family. This is the end goal and this is the part that will light up our lives.

I am grateful for my brother who tried so hard to make this work and who offered so many other options to make life easier for us. I am grateful for his continued looking out for us and our ease of travel.

I am so very grateful to my parents who stepped in to watch Emma and Eden, enabling them to continue to go to school and do their activities, who will provide love and care and essential a “Camp Grandma and Poppa” experience.

I am grateful for Gary’s sister and mom who will visit the kids and likely take them back to New Jersey for a weekend or two to provide a needed break for my parents and provide Emma and Eden with some other aspect of their three weeks to look forward to.

I am grateful for dear friends who helped me with my computer technology yesterday for over 2 hours which will enable me to carry on while in Kazakhstan.

I am grateful for the friends who have offered to watch Emma and Eden while I get ready here and have time to finish up my packing.

I am so very grateful for the love and support all around me.

I am so very grateful to feel blessed that my journey will be safe and free from harm.

I am grateful for my Family of 5, quickly and assuredly, coming into being.