Perspective

When I worry about all the goals on my To-Do list that need to met, I am reminded that the biggest goal is to become a family to a little boy.

When I worry about how am I ever going to get it all done, I am reminded that I will get it done, I can live without certain things if need be, the only thing to worry about is uniting with our little boy.

When I worry about how I’m going to manage being a mom to three, I realize that schedules will have to modified, family time adjusted, so that his and our adjustment goes smoothly as we become a family.

When I wrack my brain thinking of what to name him, I remind myself that he already has a name and he is called this name every day and whatever we name him feels secondary right now.

When I worry that I don’t have my camera and video yet, I remind myself that I have the funds to simply make the order on Monday and likely I will have the items by Wednesday. It’s that simple.

When I wonder and ponder about what he’ll look like, I am reminded that he will be adorable in my eyes always.

When I worry about his health or other factors, I remind myself that biology is no guarantee of anything, that I will provide the best possible care available to him, that no one is perfect, that health blossoms with love.

When I wonder about the anxiety I might feel in the first few days there while we settle in to this new family, I am reminded that I will be with my husband and two big sisters who will surely make the transition easy.

When I think about how will I fill my days fully while there when not visiting him, I am reminded that we have the benefit of having my brother join us and regale us with his funny stories and observations always.

When I worry if I will be a good mother, I remind myself that I did something right with Emma and Eden, that sometimes being a good enough mother is good enough, that I know I am more than “good enough” most times,.

When I worry about how I don’t eat frequently enough or get enough sleep many times, I remind myself that it’s as easy as preparing my fridge with healthy grab-able snacks and getting into bed with a book by 10pm.

When I worry about my to-do list that seems to grow longer and longer each day, I remind myself that all things are doable if steps are taken daily. After all, how did we even get to here?

When I begin to wonder how did we, in fact, get here, I remind myself that I am stronger than I have ever given myself credit for. How foolish I was to think that all day pregnancy sickness was harder than this. How I know the days ahead with all I am to witness when I enter an orphanage for the first time in my life will impact me forever.

When I feel sorry that I wish I could do more, I remind myself that for one person, I will help to change the course of his life in ways that will bring joy to all of us.

When I think about how that first meeting will go, how will we know who our son is, I remind myself of what others before me have told me “Don’t worry … the child will choose you.”

When think about how I make my dreams come true, I remind myself that there is one very lucky little boy waiting on the other side of the world who doesn’t yet know the dream that awaits.

When worry starts to creep in about knowing who this little child will be, I think about a woman in white handing over a boy to me chattering away in high pitched excited speech, and the one word I can make out from her Kazakh elocution is the simple, beautiful word “Mama.”

Oh, how I look forward to meeting you, little one ….