It’s 12:30 pm and my mind is wired from my Iced Mocha Latte that I had earlier this afternoon. I feel like I have nothing particular to say right now that hasn’t already been said and I’m going to try to just write stream of conscious and see what emerges. I have to try to write without stopping otherwise I feel myself self editing. The other day I was thinking how through blogging I sort of “birthed” the way to this new family member. How amazing this writing process has been, how without it I wonder if I would have pushed forth and learned as much as I did which brought me to here. How in reality, I never really knew how this story would turn out, never really knew what path we’d take. Though I had hoped for this, I am part of a married unit and therefore can not make family decisions of this magnitude alone. I began blogging almost two years ago. I think it was October 2007. I’ll have to go back and see. It feels like a long journey but it also feels like the right timing. Eden is 4 and starting Pre-K. I still kiss her and squish her and kiss her belly and bite the soft fat on the backs of her arms like I did when she was a baby. I hold her in the crook of my arms and just stare at her baby roundness or rather, pretend to still see it, as her long body snakes past me on the couch — no longer taking up the small space she used to when I held her long ago. Does anyone else do this to their 4 1/2 year olds? I feel like I am sometimes perpetuating the baby-ness of her, yet I also feel that her cute freckles and upturned nose and adorable dainty yet prominent ears sort of lend themselves to this behavior. Who knows? Other times I think maybe it’s me just missing having a baby around. A little over three years ago, Eden and I were attached at the hip, or rather, at the Baby Bjorn (I hadn’t yet heard of the Ergo carriers at that time.) I have photos of me negotiating paint chips with our contractor when we first moved in to this house, with Eden’s arms and legs dangling out in front of me and me talking over her head. I asked her today if she can stay like this for a long while and she told me No, she’s gonna get big and be a big mommy one day. That day will be here in the blink of an eye.
I had some friends visit today and my good friend Jen stayed late and I sort of used her as a moderator to talk to Gary about our upcoming life change. I mention it to some degree quite often but for some reason (the caffeine? my PMS?) felt like bringing in a moderator or just another voice, would lead to insight. Jen said “Gary, you are gonna have a son soon!” and Gary just made this big goofy fake happy grin that got me mad. I don’t want big goofy grins. I want what I feel. I want tears that come to his eyes when he imagines the experience, I want a hand to reach out to me, for him to stop joking that someone else should go to Kazakhstan and pretend it’s him. Though I don’t think he was joking as he seemed quite disappointed when I said that all passports and paperwork will have to match his face when we arrive. I get myself all nutsy (it’s my nature) and his nature is quite the opposite but at the conclusion of our conversation he said to me “in the end, have I ever disappointed you?” and he put out his hand to punch knuckles with me. I know this is the case. Deep deep down, I know that seeing the Baby Home and the children there will affect him in ways that may one day pave the way for so much more that we can do for others. And most importantly, will perhaps be what begins to get through to his soft parts and help him to love this child forever.
The other night I watched Long Way Home on HBO about the traveling of child migrants from Mexico and South America across the U.S. border. It is days later and I still can’t get out of my mind Freddy and Olga, two 9 year old adorable, naive, fearless, amazingly brave, desperate, courageous children (only filmed for mere minutes on the show) who ventured to get to America. In the end, however, no one knows if they made it as they were not seen again and could therefore not be filmed. I google searched hoping to find something out, afraid to find out the worst. Articles and interviews with the producer show that she too is quite upset that their whereabouts are unknown. What with sex trafficking and drug smuggling or terrible accidents that befell those who rode the tops of the Mexican freight trains to get close to the border, anything is possible. I am thinking the worst and shouldn’t. I have to remain hopeful that they are safe.
I don’t know if I always would have felt so strongly about these children or if my upcoming life change, all the readings I have done about lifestyles in poorer countries, that makes me feel this way, or is this my nature. I think, perhaps it is the mother in me, or that I have become someone who won’t just sit idly by. Recently I jumped out of my car at a red light (while gary was in the driver’s seat) to walk a blind man three blocks to the bus stop that, as I watched from the passenger seat with growing anxiousness, he couldn’t seem to find. I also was the first responder at an accident of a man falling down a flight of stairs and placed a t-shirt under his head and waited until emergency help arrived. I found myself yesterday sticking my head out my car window and nicely but sternly pointing out the better way to dispose of garbage when I saw a young boy on a bicycle finish his bottle of soda and happily chuck it onto someone’s front porch. These are minor minor things but yet I am showing myself to be someone who doesn’t sit idly by. Perhaps I get too involved sometimes and don’t mind my own business. When I hear of people adopting older children I am in awe. I know of other’s first reactions to be shock and “what a risk!” What is the alternative, I think? Aren’t we all together on this big blue marble?
Too tired to write more … but I do feel that I will try to write more frequently during these next few weeks. I think I need to clear the noggin a bit. Either that, or lay off my new Dunkin Donuts Latte addiction.
Goodnight all!
Steph
Steph,
I don't think you were trying to be funny but as I was reading the first part of this post to my sister we were cracking up. Men are just men and we cannot expect much from them. Your husband sounds unfortunately totally normal! But he has already come so much further than most men would. I'm really begining to believe all this paperwork etc for adoption is very much like pregnancy and truth be told men are not that involved with that either. They just can't "get it" until they see the child. I remember my mom telling a story about my dad when she was pregnant with their second. She said "quick come here, the baby's moving!" He responded, "I felt that with the last one." …..Men have been disappointing us for generations, but most times they do come through in the end. 🙂 Thanks for your posts – the last two have been especially great. Also, your vacation pics are adorable!
Julie
Steph,
I don't think you were trying to be funny but as I was reading the first part of this post to my sister we were cracking up. Men are just men and we cannot expect much from them. Your husband sounds unfortunately totally normal! But he has already come so much further than most men would. I'm really begining to believe all this paperwork etc for adoption is very much like pregnancy and truth be told men are not that involved with that either. They just can't "get it" until they see the child. I remember my mom telling a story about my dad when she was pregnant with their second. She said "quick come here, the baby's moving!" He responded, "I felt that with the last one." …..Men have been disappointing us for generations, but most times they do come through in the end. 🙂 Thanks for your posts – the last two have been especially great. Also, your vacation pics are adorable!
Julie
Steph,
I don't think you were trying to be funny but as I was reading the first part of this post to my sister we were cracking up. Men are just men and we cannot expect much from them. Your husband sounds unfortunately totally normal! But he has already come so much further than most men would. I'm really begining to believe all this paperwork etc for adoption is very much like pregnancy and truth be told men are not that involved with that either. They just can't "get it" until they see the child. I remember my mom telling a story about my dad when she was pregnant with their second. She said "quick come here, the baby's moving!" He responded, "I felt that with the last one." …..Men have been disappointing us for generations, but most times they do come through in the end. 🙂 Thanks for your posts – the last two have been especially great. Also, your vacation pics are adorable!
Julie
Steph,
As always you have moved me to tears. I wish I could write like you, I really do. I have so much in my head I would love to put to paper. Why am I so a afraid? Something I need to work on, I suppose?
Gary is so on board, I can feel it when I am in his company. I know I always say this but I really feel it and believe it, your son is going to be so lucky to have landed in the Karp family.
Love you,
Carolyn
Steph,
As always you have moved me to tears. I wish I could write like you, I really do. I have so much in my head I would love to put to paper. Why am I so a afraid? Something I need to work on, I suppose?
Gary is so on board, I can feel it when I am in his company. I know I always say this but I really feel it and believe it, your son is going to be so lucky to have landed in the Karp family.
Love you,
Carolyn
Steph,
As always you have moved me to tears. I wish I could write like you, I really do. I have so much in my head I would love to put to paper. Why am I so a afraid? Something I need to work on, I suppose?
Gary is so on board, I can feel it when I am in his company. I know I always say this but I really feel it and believe it, your son is going to be so lucky to have landed in the Karp family.
Love you,
Carolyn
Steph, I have been keeping up with your blog for several weeks now and wanting to get in touch. Out of all the blogs I read, you are someone I can relate to (The Thorn Birds? Really?? Me too!). My husband and I are about a week behind you in the process, and I've definitely been the instigator, but he has come more and more on-board as we move closer to travel, and now he is very interested in picking out a crib, stroller, etc. We don't have any kids yet, so this is very new for us and very exciting! We also have a blog at fluitt.blogspot.com. I just wanted to touch base and pass along my best wishes to you and your family! Aimee
Steph, I have been keeping up with your blog for several weeks now and wanting to get in touch. Out of all the blogs I read, you are someone I can relate to (The Thorn Birds? Really?? Me too!). My husband and I are about a week behind you in the process, and I've definitely been the instigator, but he has come more and more on-board as we move closer to travel, and now he is very interested in picking out a crib, stroller, etc. We don't have any kids yet, so this is very new for us and very exciting! We also have a blog at fluitt.blogspot.com. I just wanted to touch base and pass along my best wishes to you and your family! Aimee
Steph, I have been keeping up with your blog for several weeks now and wanting to get in touch. Out of all the blogs I read, you are someone I can relate to (The Thorn Birds? Really?? Me too!). My husband and I are about a week behind you in the process, and I've definitely been the instigator, but he has come more and more on-board as we move closer to travel, and now he is very interested in picking out a crib, stroller, etc. We don't have any kids yet, so this is very new for us and very exciting! We also have a blog at fluitt.blogspot.com. I just wanted to touch base and pass along my best wishes to you and your family! Aimee