Twenty Six Days

April 28, 2008

I am 4 days into my “Being Still” phase. It is Eden’s 3rd birthday, a day I was supposed to have made up my mind. Jen Mac, a wise life coach, had suggested I “be still”, the only way to hear myself, not to worry about indeterminate decision dates that I set myself up with. Gary made me think that the fact that I accepted that “challenge” showed I was less passionate about adoption. I got angry, and then began to think – is he right? No, it’s because I am taking this life decision so seriously that I am being still. Over the course of a few days, I began to feel nervous (day one) – oh my god, was this possibly going to be an opportunity for me to flake out on this? Was I going to turn my attention to exercising, eating right and my ASL stuff (numbers two and three on my priorities list) and this adoption stuff would just go away as an old hobby that I busied myself with for a year? In the shower each morning, my eyes tear up at this vision I have of a woman in white handing me a baby boy with her arms outstretched. While the hot water pelts my back, my arms reach up to receive him. I see him very clearly. I can not neglect him now. I feel a sense of calm now. The day has arrived, it’s Eden’s birthday. This sense of calm that “the day” so long waited for is here and yet I am just sitting idly by waiting until the time feels very right, or trying not to think at all. My eyes welled up with tears today, my heart warmed, when after Eden made her 3rd birthday wish and blew out her candles, my dad grabbed my hand firmly and said to me quietly, while glancing over at Emma and Eden — “My wish for your daughters, and you, is that they get to one day have their brother.”

I said to him “Thank you Dad. That was really really nice.” My heart warmed to this. It was his deepest wish, said privately and meaningfully after the candle went out. He was referring to adoption. How else would he know to say brother. We weren’t ever trying to get pregnant for a boy or anything of the sort. The brother we have been speaking about is the boy who waits in Kazakhstan. This being still is working for me I feel. My true feelings will be revealed and ecstasy will roll in at my feet. Soon. Soon.

April 29, 2008
A day of poor eating and subsequent anxiety. Trying to squelch my feelings, aren’t I? Something to think about. I hope to push through this discomfort. Stop eating it away and let me get through it. I need to feel my best, look my best, THINK my best. Diet soda doesn’t serve me. Brownies don’t serve me, lack of movement doesn’t serve me. There are so many better choices I can be making. I need to be more conscious.

May 13, 2008

The past few days I do feel an anxiety again, a “need to know.” I am obviously not being “still.” Do I not know how to be or am I just hating the feeling of limbo? Either way, I just don’t think I’m doing this “being still” thing right. I wanted to go to the 63rd precinct today to get our fingerprints. Last night I had said to Gary that I wanted to go and do one small thing and take note of how I felt during the process and afterwards. Would I be filled with dread or the opposite feeling of calm as I did the next indicated thing? Eden came into my bed at 3:30 AM from a bad dream and thereafter, I got such poor sleep (was I even sleeping at all?) and I could not get up at 7am to get ready. Gary said we’ll go tomorrow. Last night he and I had a discussion. Perhaps he was listening to me more than in the past as he said he felt my passion (as opposed to the other day when he thought my taking the “Be still” challenge actually indicated lack of passion.) The interesting thing is, the more I wait and sit this out, the more fear and anxiety I feel. It’s not the same warm feelings that propelled me to begin this journey long ago. I think that being still is actually allowing me *too much* time to think. Not to worry about the end result, because in the end, I do see us as a happy and healthy family. It’s the process, the traveling with two small children, the unknowns, the length of time, the fact that Gary hates to travel, the fact that my entire family is taking one plane to a foreign place and I just hope we have safe travels after all this. These thoughts I have, envisioning it all, everything we will have to manage, to handle, to prepare for, knowing the bulk of the worry is on me as I know Gary feels for the children, but does not feel exactly as I do at this time (despite him pushing forward albeit slowly because he is encouraged by me.) It is uncomfortable.

Caught up on blog reading and saw that Regina Ruopoli is set to leave tomorrow for her 35-40 hour journey to Aktobe. The news she was long waiting for! Excitement for her and yet, I am also filled with an anxiety too – not for me per se, but for Gary and what he’ll say and for how the kids will behave. Part of me thinks the journey to get there would be okay, not stellar, but we’d get through it. We’ll be a family and we’ll do it together. We have to view it as an adventure or I honestly think that our fears will get the best of us and really dictate how this would go down. When I read Regina’s blog entry from yesterday, I see she does have a fear unlike she’s ever felt. I have that fear now — could it be worse? I can’t decide if the fear is saying “don’t do this!” or if it’s just saying “holy shit! You are so close and YES, this is ABSOLUTELY scary and unchartered.” I want it to all work out, I want my family to be healthy, I want a big fat pudgy baby boy that we all love, and that I can say “I was so worried about this? ! What a poor use of my time!” I want this to be something that is SO GREAT, beyond my wildest imaginings.

Part of me, when wondering if my fear is saying “give up!” worries about the blog friends I would lose (what could tie us together anymore should we not proceed?) and if I would feel like a failure (my perfectionist me again) because I did come so close and then just never took the chance. My sensitivity is so high these days, this I admit wholeheartedly. A stressful time internally. Really not in tune with the way I view life on “regular” days, so I do recognize the weight I am putting on things that are so far from the real issues. It is a fact that right now I do feel removed from the friends and contacts I have made online (even the ones I read who don’t necessarily read my own) and that is hard. There is nothing new in my blog, nothing new that keeps the flow, and I am trying to not really respond to others right now as much as I did a few weeks back in my attempt to be still. I am also trying not to read so much about others in an attempt to not be swayed. I do miss these friends — whether we comment or not, it’s just a connection to people who have passed before me, people on the journey who’s paths I hope to follow. It is not like I don’t have wonderful friends, but there is something about sharing this journey with others that has been a life saver. I do not want to lose this. I know that shouldn’t be my concern. If anyone is meant to be a true friend or a blog connection for the long haul, they will be. There are friends for every season, that I know. This is my life we are talking about here and friendships formed in the ‘sphere are just the icing on the cake. But I’d be blind to not see the possibilities of me being in limbo forever and of losing some of these friends who have meant so so much to me in my journey thus far, as they will likely move on to other connections closer in the same boat to them. And it’s not like I’d have a real answer as if to say “We decided it didn’t work for us because ….” and have it make sense. Instead, all I could say possibly is that “Well, ladies and gentlemen, fear got the best of me.” That would be the truth. But it feels too cowardly for me.

Fear of what? A child to love, to hold, to love us? Fear of a trip which could be one of the biggest adventures in our lives and one we look back on as one of the most BONDING times of our lives – a time where we can say “wow! Remember when we tried horse meat at that little café in Astana?” Or something like that. I am actually not sure at all I could *ever* try horse meat. I have a hard enough time knowing I eat cows.

Imagine Emma and Eden really remembering when they first met their little brother, wanting to teach and show him every new thing. They will be big girls by the time this goes down, I can only imagine the love they would show him, just like they show each other but even more mothering and nurturing.

Imagine the first time I saw a glimmer in Gary’s eyes that tells me he is glad we took the chance. Imagine the first time he wraps his arms around his son and says “I love you” and means it wholly from the bottom of his heart. Imagine the pride I’d feel at having been the impetus to making this new Karp family a reality.

Later: I spoke to Gary about my concerns about the long flight, and long travel and how I don’t necessarily dread it but I’m so concerned about how he’d view it and make it hard on me, given how many weeks we’ll be away from home (he hates travel in general!) blah blah blah. And Gary just started asking me questions about using frequent flyer miles to upgrade us to First Class so that we’d be more comfortable and all of a sudden, feeling he was ON MY SIDE IN THIS, this feeling lifted up off of me and I felt so much less anxiety.

This morning I also took it upon myself to write to the Social Worker we will use but did not hire yet about my anxiety. Wondering if she could help me decipher some feelings as normal cold feet or something more. She wrote me back that absolutely fear is a HUGE part of this experience. I think I had been waiting for the calm to just come over me. When Jen Mac gave me the assignment of being still, I think I was expecting a warmth to flow over me eventually and the proverbial angels would sing. I think the reality of adoption uncertainty is what causes me fear, but that my convictions for what adoptions means has not waned. This decision is already made in my heart and has been for some time, but must now be made with my HEAD and rational thought and decisions about how we build our family going forward and that is the hard part. To know that my adopting has always been a choice. And to finally make that choice. Maybe doing the “next indicated thing” without thinking is actually the answer for me here. Do people give this much thought and anxiety into deciding to procreate? In fact, wasn’t Eden a happy surprise which took away all thought anyway? And look where we are now? I couldn’t have asked for a better family, and more loving sisters to each other. It worked out perfectly really. Perhaps less thought is best, just go with the flow.

Again, I must remind myself “I would not have been given the dream if I had not been given the ability to achieve it.”

I do feel better now … I look forward to having my phone conversation with Judy Schwartz tomorrow to talk further about this. Even though she is (hopefully) going to be writing my Home Study, I really thought honesty and sharing my feelings with her was best, as opposed to worrying about portraying the “perfect” family, I will instead portray reality and normalcy and AUTHENTICITY.

From me to Social Worker today:
“Hi Judy, I am starting to feel some anxiety in regards to “taking the leap” and beginning the process in earnest, even though my heart is absolutely THERE, and am wondering if it’s normal cold feet before beginning or something else. Any way for us to speak, as perhaps you’d be better able to ascertain what’s going on? Thank you!
Stephanie “

From Judy Schwartz, MSW: “Hi Stephanie, It is very normal to have cold feet and be afraid to take this huge step. It is scary and you may feel very vulnerable and out of control and fearful of having your heart broken and losing money. It’s also scary to deal with lawyers if doing domestic or international laws when embarking on an international adoption, etc. There is nobody who gets into the adoption process who does not do it holding their breath that all will work out. I went through that in my adoptions too. I was terrified and went through all the “what ifs” too. If you weren’t scared, I’d be concerned…..I should be in my office tomorrow from noon to 4, feel free to call.
Hang in there, Judy”

May 16, 2008

Today I had anxiety but something was becoming clearer. I bought a room partition for my attic to hide the part that is my closet/storage area the other day. Studying this room this morning, I began to see the space as a potential baby’s room and was able to envision it neater and where the baby gate would go. It is already a happy blue. My mom was talking to me with “when you go to Kazakhstan” and not if. We spoke more and I got out all my worries. It feels so good to talk out loud. So much I hold inside on a daily basis, or write, or wait until Gary comes home and get it out. But to be able to talk to my mom in the middle of the day when the anxiety was hitting me felt like a huge relief. I have been second guessing everything and I needed to reaffirm my original thoughts. Aloud, I reinforced that although I do love my girls and know girls, a boy is best for our family because it would (in my mind) lead to less sibling rivalry. My girls would BOTH get to be big sisters to a brother. I want their bond to stay strong and watch them as two little mommies. Additionally, I have always wanted to opportunity to bring up a “nice boy.” I think he will round out our family so beautifully. And I think Gary, despite not knowing it now, would probably very much enjoy the bond of a father and a son. Gary lost his dad when he was only 15. He is gaga over his girls, and I look forward to seeing him love a son too. Then, because last night, just to drive myself more crazy, I was actually researching (google and YouTube) other countries with shorter travel time such as Bulgaria, Moldova, Ukraine and Kyrgyzstan (and also closer to Romania, my original thoughts) I began to talk out loud to my mother about why it’s probably best for me to stick with Kaz and not second guess myself anymore. It was all my second guessing that was coming out in the past few days with my researching other programs and considering other options. Like wait a minute, I’m not sure, is this the perfect choice, etc etc? It’s what I tend to do.

I was drawn to Kaz for a reason, beginning when I first began the Romanian research. I met the Poston family because their daughter looked like Emma. I also feel the addition of a Kazakh beauty in the Karp family is a natural — for the first 18 months of Emma’s life, many people thought she looked Asian and even now I have seen many children that remind me of Emma with their dark eyes and dark hair. I have researched this country and now have Kaz “cousins” among these blog friends. Additionally, I worked SO hard to find an agency who I do love, one who specializes in Kaz, and they have been by my side for one year now without me being an actual client yet. I do not want to begin that search again. If my child was in a place other than Kaz, I think I would be drawn to that place more, but for now, I think it’s just second guessing due to last minute fears. Kaz it is.

Tonight again, while holding Emma and Eden on my lap for a goodnight hug I said to them in a jokey way “Do we have room for a brother here?” and Emma said “right between us, and I would hold him just like this” . She said will his stomach be bigger or smaller than Eden’s? I believe she meant “waist” because she was opening her hands in a mime gesture as if holding a baby around the waist sitting on her lap. I told her smaller.

Thus we began a conversation about adoption. It’s remarkable, without even having adopted, how much I have taught my not yet six year old about other ways to build families. I said do you want to talk about what adoption means and she said “wait, let me tell you” and it was remarkable because she has obviously been listening. Aside from the fact that up until yesterday she thought you adopted the babies from a store that (her words) looked like Bed, Bath and Beyond, but with little crib bars so the babies don’t fall from the shelves and they are wrapped in blankets and waving. It’s weird because her view of them is sort of the visuals that get me too, the image of young toddlers waving from behind a window or a gated fence. Perhaps she has heard me say this to Gary in the past, I don’t think so, but perhaps.

She understands that if moms can not keep their babies they will be brought to a place that is “sort of like a day care” until a mommy and dad come for them.

Emma asked why moms can’t keep their babies, and if not the moms why can’t the babies live with the dads. I told her that sometimes they can live with a dad or an aunt or grandma, but sometimes they can’t. I told her the birth parents love their babies so much but sometimes they are too poor, or too young or too ill (“Like a broken leg?” she asked. “no,” I said, “much more ill than that.”) and they love their babies enough to want them to go with other families who will love them forever for the rest of their lives. Emma really was upset by the birth moms not being with the babies. It really hit a nerve there for her. She said “don’t the moms just want to cry every day? I am so sad I could almost cry now!” It’s interesting too that she empathized with the moms missing their children, when I would think she might associate more with the children. Then, with assertiveness in her voice, she just said to me “If babies need parents to love them, then let’s just do it! Okay mom? Okay?” I went over not believing my ears and my wise wise child. I just punched her knuckles and said “let’s speak to dad tomorrow.”

Emma stated so simply the truth of the matter. These children need parents to love them and we want a baby brother to love. My fear gets in my own way. Her facts and statements are the crux of the whole issue. And she, my precious daughter, feels this deeply.

It’s amazing because I know she has mentioned the idea of adoption to her cousin Brett and also Hannah at school. But she knows it’s a huge decision to be made by our family and she has never vocalized this unnecessarily to others.

When she spoke, I can not begin to express the feelings that came over me. Rather, it was the absence of anxiety. It lifted. I called up Gary and told him. He wants to talk to Emma. He too was very moved by her simple statements of fact, her desire to just love a child who needs a home.

Tonight I watched a YouTube video (Alison’s Adoption by NicoleSandler) – it was narrated and was really lovely. To see the handing over of the child, the first moment of meeting, to see the caregivers in white stating their wishes for the child for her life, to see the inside of the courtroom I have only read about, to hear the judge’s pronouncements. Fat tears just fell onto my hands resting in my lap and I whispered out loud with a PURE HEART and NO FEAR and an absolute TRUTH of knowing THIS WAS RIGHT — “I am ready.”

May 19, 2008

A calmness has come over me and has not waned. Gary said, despite not being fully ready but definitely MORE ready, let’s proceed with the first steps. Tomorrow I head to the Dept of Motor Vehicles with my newly retrieved marriage license and will change my name on my driver license to be officially Karp. I am awaiting my next utility bill proving my address – should come any day now. Then I head to the 63rd precinct to get fingerprinted for my home study. I will then send those fingerprint cards in with my $500 check and I will officially be on the bus. Passports will be gotten shortly thereafter especially as we need them for a trip to Turqs and Caicos this summer. I am following a calling, I am no longer in my way. I am ready to enter this chapter in my life, and I feel it in every cell of my Stephness.

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do.
So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor…. Explore. Dream. Discover.” – Mark Twain 1835-1910

I AM READY!