Today I had a one hour phone consultation with a life coach, someone I affectionately call “jen mac” — an all around great person who has inspired me in so many ways, has enabled me to crack wide open and discover so much about myself that I never even knew was there, or rather was afraid to confront. She teaches a series of inspirational courses for women — I can’t say enough about her. If anyone is interested, feel free to ask me more.
I was hoping for clarity in the form of Jen Mac acting as my crystal ball, to tell me, of course this is what you should be doing and when and how. Instead, she suggested something to me that I have not done. It made me ill at ease when she first said this, but yet in reality, I knew it was something that must be done. She suggested simply being still for a certain period of time. For the past year, I have literally exhausted myself with late night blog reading, adoption agency research, international adoption forum reading and adoptive parenting books. I have visited families, emailed at length, spoken for *hours* to others, have stayed up late to get time to speak to families on the west coast. I have picked peoples brains, asked questions and then more questions. Told family and friends, been accosted by fears and still moved forward. And in all this time, I now am certain of the agency we will use (Journey Home), the homestudy social worker we will use (Judy Schwartz with Heart to Heart Adoptions), travel medications we will need to prepare for international travel thanks to a $300 consult with a holistic pediatrician, the person who will travel with us to watch my kids during visits and court time (my brother, Brian and possibly Kim as she so kindly suggested) and the country — Kazakhstan. Despite it possibly seeming that no forward action was made in the fact that no application has been signed, it couldn’t be further from the truth. Somehow during this time, I got Gary to agree to this wild ride, feeling passionately for the children, but yet not feeling the passion that I do for this process. It’s almost like a whirlwind came in (in the form of little old me) and he had no choice but to acquiesce.
Jen Mac pointed out something to me that resonated and really struck a chord. In recent months, I am on a certain timeline not really dictated by anything that is in tune with what my spirit/heart says. For a long time now, I kept coming up with random dates to speak to Gary and with which to move forward. Then recently, I decided that we “must know” by April 28th or thereafter because Eden was turning 3. Then I was getting antsy because I wanted my kids to be a certain distance in age together and I would soon be past that point. Then I was itching to move forward because Gary is 47 and I feared him aging out of the program before we decided to do anything. What did these dates really mean?
So my assignment from Jen, and one that I will do, is to be still with my thoughts for a while. No blogging, no researching, no outward steps. Forego all the dates I thought dictated the pace of my life. Forego this crazy rush to know by Eden’s birthday which is 3 days from now. Just be.
Providing that there are no crazy surprises (other than the typical crazy surprises) I still have a vision of us a little down the road as family of five, traveling to Disneyland with a little boy in a blue stroller wearing a baseball cap who has round cheeks and almond shaped eyes and is adored by his sisters. Dad is on a ride called Jumping Jellyfish with Eden and Emma while I wait contentedly on the bench right next to its entrance pointing up to them and showing our little boy where his sisters are. Yes, this is my romantic vision.
I appreciate the posts from everyone. What cheerleaders we are comprised of. And how humbled I am by your good wishes. My dear friend Kim, you have left me speechless. How could I be so lucky?
I said I would lay low once before and never did because I just love this forum and the people I am surrounded by. But I have to do this for me for a little while. I now have all my ducks in a row and I just want my heart and Gary’s to catch up at a pace that feels absolutely right for us. So what if the girls are a little bit older? Will Gary really age us out? I don’t know the answers, though I have some questions about that in to Journey Home. It may be days, or weeks, or a little longer until we feel that perhaps a child has been born that is ready for us, and we for him. Until then, I will do the thing I have had trouble doing for too long of a time now, probably in many aspects of my life. Such a huge decision, this is definitely one that deserves this stillness in order that everything happens exactly as it was meant to be with no rules, no dictations, no timelines.
It might be a while until I post again, but when I do, it will absolutely be with something concrete. If any readers would like me to send an email when I do post, please leave your comment here. You can also sign up to be alerted through one of my links.
I will still be following along with your journeys, especially those so close, and wish you all the best. I hope you’ll all still be here when I post again.
Till next time …
I have never been this spiritual in my life but here are some quotes I’ll be living by for the next little while.
“You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen.
Do not even listen, simply wait. Do not even wait, be quite still and solitary.
The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice,
it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.”
– Franz Kafka
“I hope you’ll hear what I’m about to tell you. I hope you’ll hear it all the way down to your toes. When you’re waiting, you’re not doing nothing. You’re doing the most important something there is. You’re allowing your soul to grow up. If you can’t be still and wait, you can’t become what G-d created you to be.”
— Sue Monk Kidd, When the Heart Waits
Hi Steph,
Another great post. You are so in touch with your feeling, I thought I was in touch with my feeling, you top the cake!!
Yes, I want the infro on this jen-mac lady. I need her for me. I wonder all the time do I go back for a sib for Henry or do we just live our lives in a complete, happy way the two of us? I wonder this all the time. I feel so happy with just Henry in my life but I also feel like someone eles is missing. Hard feeling to explain. I also feel I have such a great relationship with my sister and brother, I want that for Henry too.
Hang low for while. We will all be here with open arms when you a ready to start up again. Life goes so by so fast, take deep breathes, smell, listen and look around at everything. Things will fall into a great place for you, I just know they will.
Let’s pick a date when Henry and I can come to Brooklyn for a visit.
Hugs,
Carolyn
Hi Steph,
Another great post. You are so in touch with your feeling, I thought I was in touch with my feeling, you top the cake!!
Yes, I want the infro on this jen-mac lady. I need her for me. I wonder all the time do I go back for a sib for Henry or do we just live our lives in a complete, happy way the two of us? I wonder this all the time. I feel so happy with just Henry in my life but I also feel like someone eles is missing. Hard feeling to explain. I also feel I have such a great relationship with my sister and brother, I want that for Henry too.
Hang low for while. We will all be here with open arms when you a ready to start up again. Life goes so by so fast, take deep breathes, smell, listen and look around at everything. Things will fall into a great place for you, I just know they will.
Let’s pick a date when Henry and I can come to Brooklyn for a visit.
Hugs,
Carolyn
Stephanie –
You are such a gifted writer. I love your posts. Everyone needs to take time to be still before making important life changing decisions. I got a little teary eyed at your Disneyland fantasy. I had the same one and it is about to come true in a week. Although I do not see Josh sitting nicely waiting for Noah. I see him screaming that he can’t go with him. 🙂
I hope you find the peace you are looking for.
Kim
Stephanie –
You are such a gifted writer. I love your posts. Everyone needs to take time to be still before making important life changing decisions. I got a little teary eyed at your Disneyland fantasy. I had the same one and it is about to come true in a week. Although I do not see Josh sitting nicely waiting for Noah. I see him screaming that he can’t go with him. 🙂
I hope you find the peace you are looking for.
Kim
Stephanie –
You are such a gifted writer. I love your posts. Everyone needs to take time to be still before making important life changing decisions. I got a little teary eyed at your Disneyland fantasy. I had the same one and it is about to come true in a week. Although I do not see Josh sitting nicely waiting for Noah. I see him screaming that he can’t go with him. 🙂
I hope you find the peace you are looking for.
Kim
That woman sounds great. The advice seems logical. Be still, enjoy Eden’s birthday, and whenever you’re back, we’ll still be here cheering you on 🙂
That woman sounds great. The advice seems logical. Be still, enjoy Eden’s birthday, and whenever you’re back, we’ll still be here cheering you on 🙂
That woman sounds great. The advice seems logical. Be still, enjoy Eden’s birthday, and whenever you’re back, we’ll still be here cheering you on 🙂
The frenzy of this journey — even just preparing to take it — is definitely exhausting. We are hungry for knowledge. We want to make the best decisions and contract with the best people. It’s an enormouse amount of work even before you sign the papers.
It is often good to just be still. To be quiet and let any “revealations” come to you in their own sweet time. One of my favotire quotes is “Nature never hurries, yet everything is accomplished.”
Enjoy your little break. It can only be good for you.
The frenzy of this journey — even just preparing to take it — is definitely exhausting. We are hungry for knowledge. We want to make the best decisions and contract with the best people. It’s an enormouse amount of work even before you sign the papers.
It is often good to just be still. To be quiet and let any “revealations” come to you in their own sweet time. One of my favotire quotes is “Nature never hurries, yet everything is accomplished.”
Enjoy your little break. It can only be good for you.
The frenzy of this journey — even just preparing to take it — is definitely exhausting. We are hungry for knowledge. We want to make the best decisions and contract with the best people. It’s an enormouse amount of work even before you sign the papers.
It is often good to just be still. To be quiet and let any “revealations” come to you in their own sweet time. One of my favotire quotes is “Nature never hurries, yet everything is accomplished.”
Enjoy your little break. It can only be good for you.
I think that’s really wonderful advice. Once you embark on this journey though there can be a PEACE that comes over you. I think the frenzy feeling was stronger for me before we got totally into our homestudy. Now I’m feeling more at ease. I feel so at ease with this journey that I can hardly remember how desperate I felt to start it. It’s actually kindof weird. But I can remember feeling this peace while pregnant too so it feels natural. I hope you get to this point soon.
I think that’s really wonderful advice. Once you embark on this journey though there can be a PEACE that comes over you. I think the frenzy feeling was stronger for me before we got totally into our homestudy. Now I’m feeling more at ease. I feel so at ease with this journey that I can hardly remember how desperate I felt to start it. It’s actually kindof weird. But I can remember feeling this peace while pregnant too so it feels natural. I hope you get to this point soon.
I think that’s really wonderful advice. Once you embark on this journey though there can be a PEACE that comes over you. I think the frenzy feeling was stronger for me before we got totally into our homestudy. Now I’m feeling more at ease. I feel so at ease with this journey that I can hardly remember how desperate I felt to start it. It’s actually kindof weird. But I can remember feeling this peace while pregnant too so it feels natural. I hope you get to this point soon.
I think this is a fabulous idea. I posted something earlier–in my process too–saying hey, do things while you’re deciding! That’s the way to go!
And then we stopped. For three weeks is all, and more would be great too–but I kept thinking, man, that was an obnoxious comment of mine! Because you can’t rush this. Who am I to say how anyone should do it? I don’t even know how WE should do it.
I am impressed that you are being so smart, taking time. You’ll have the guts to make the right call.
I think this is a fabulous idea. I posted something earlier–in my process too–saying hey, do things while you’re deciding! That’s the way to go!
And then we stopped. For three weeks is all, and more would be great too–but I kept thinking, man, that was an obnoxious comment of mine! Because you can’t rush this. Who am I to say how anyone should do it? I don’t even know how WE should do it.
I am impressed that you are being so smart, taking time. You’ll have the guts to make the right call.
I think this is a fabulous idea. I posted something earlier–in my process too–saying hey, do things while you’re deciding! That’s the way to go!
And then we stopped. For three weeks is all, and more would be great too–but I kept thinking, man, that was an obnoxious comment of mine! Because you can’t rush this. Who am I to say how anyone should do it? I don’t even know how WE should do it.
I am impressed that you are being so smart, taking time. You’ll have the guts to make the right call.
Hi Stephanie….. I wrote back to you but the email was returned to me saying your mailbox is FULL. You’ll have to get back in touch with me either via email or blog so we can discuss the topic you were interested in. If you email me I’ll give you my phone # and we can talk on the phone too if you want. Hoping that you are well and making progress with your decisions.
🙂
Monica
Hi Stephanie….. I wrote back to you but the email was returned to me saying your mailbox is FULL. You’ll have to get back in touch with me either via email or blog so we can discuss the topic you were interested in. If you email me I’ll give you my phone # and we can talk on the phone too if you want. Hoping that you are well and making progress with your decisions.
🙂
Monica
Hi Stephanie….. I wrote back to you but the email was returned to me saying your mailbox is FULL. You’ll have to get back in touch with me either via email or blog so we can discuss the topic you were interested in. If you email me I’ll give you my phone # and we can talk on the phone too if you want. Hoping that you are well and making progress with your decisions.
🙂
Monica