All is clarified. It’s just the DC Embassy that temporarily SUSPENDED taking in any more US dossiers. It was a discomfort that was short lived. And I felt such strong convictions to what I really wanted. I spoke to Gary last night. It’s just so frustrating. There is not much more I can do right now. In so many of my thoughts, I said I’d wait until Eden turns 3 to do anything. She turns 3 on April 28th. It makes sense because it means she and Emma will be good ages, in my opinion, to be big sisters.
Later: Just spoke to Gary. Had a real conversation. So much of what we talk about seems to be just about him putting off deciding until the next date. Now we actually spoke about his worries. And amidst the worries, he said he is willing to take siblings. I was shocked, but probably could have guessed he’d say that. We spoke logistically about where we’d put 4 kids in this house. We spoke of trundle beds, of regrets about not dormering the attic ceiling, of making it work regardless.
Gary said he feels like he’ll make a decision quickly when he makes it, that it will just come to him and he won’t know whether it’s right or wrong but that he definitely knows it’s a good thing. He also knows that he would have been propelled by my own momentum and that that is okay.
We spoke about G-d not giving us more than we can handle. Despite not being religious people, I do believe that. Anything is fair game. You can only hope for health — but I know that we can provide so much love and resources toward anything that may come our way.
I changed the music on this blog to start with Celine Dion’s Taking Chances. I saw her on Oprah today and tears just fell out of my eyes when she sang, with such power, “What do you say to taking chances?” I know it’s not an adoption song, and not appropriate in many ways, but that line gets me every time. I’m ready to take the chance.
Regina said it well, “get my hiney on the bus!” I don’t want to feel like a “poser” in the world of PAPS (prospective adoptive parents.) I don’t want to have a blog for the sake of having a blog, and yet my decision remains in limbo for ever. I honestly think this blog has served me so well. In my words, I read the evolution of my feelings. I am not the same person who began this blog on October 19th, wondering what path to take. I now know, and I can honestly say that over the course of the past few weeks especially, despite still being scared of the unknown, I have never felt so sure of anything. I have been respectful of my decision making, taking time and never rushing.
On April 13th, we are meeting with the Tarpey and Caswell families in Connecticut.
On April 28th is Eden’s birthday.
Shortly after that, Gary and I will talk again.
I hope to post back at the end of April or early May 2008, 12 full months after I began the journey of “if I can see it, I can believe it.”
Until then …
The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance but live right in it, under its roof. — Barbara Kingsolver
I’m only one. But still, I am one.
I cannot do everything, but still, I can do something.
And because I cannot do everything,
I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.
— Edward Everett Hale
It is important to wait till the right moment to “get on the bus” and I think you have been moving thru the decision process beautifully and thoughtfully. Writing here does help!
With you in mind specifically I think the hold will have a positive affect and effect on your family because it makes you think about how MUCH you really want this journey. I had that experience related to a very inopportune pregnancy (would have been our 4th baby) that sadly ended a week after I had just begun to process it and get excited despite the surprise and BAD timing. We had thought we were done after our 3rd baby but losing that little one that was with me so briefly openned my eyes to what I really knew I always wanted which was a BIG family — look at us now!
🙂
6 really is it for us though. We filled out the immigration paperwork and only put ONE and will not be changing that for siblings. But I’m EXCITED that you might get siblings. I think that would be a FANTASTIC thing for your family!
It is important to wait till the right moment to “get on the bus” and I think you have been moving thru the decision process beautifully and thoughtfully. Writing here does help!
With you in mind specifically I think the hold will have a positive affect and effect on your family because it makes you think about how MUCH you really want this journey. I had that experience related to a very inopportune pregnancy (would have been our 4th baby) that sadly ended a week after I had just begun to process it and get excited despite the surprise and BAD timing. We had thought we were done after our 3rd baby but losing that little one that was with me so briefly openned my eyes to what I really knew I always wanted which was a BIG family — look at us now!
🙂
6 really is it for us though. We filled out the immigration paperwork and only put ONE and will not be changing that for siblings. But I’m EXCITED that you might get siblings. I think that would be a FANTASTIC thing for your family!
It is important to wait till the right moment to “get on the bus” and I think you have been moving thru the decision process beautifully and thoughtfully. Writing here does help!
With you in mind specifically I think the hold will have a positive affect and effect on your family because it makes you think about how MUCH you really want this journey. I had that experience related to a very inopportune pregnancy (would have been our 4th baby) that sadly ended a week after I had just begun to process it and get excited despite the surprise and BAD timing. We had thought we were done after our 3rd baby but losing that little one that was with me so briefly openned my eyes to what I really knew I always wanted which was a BIG family — look at us now!
🙂
6 really is it for us though. We filled out the immigration paperwork and only put ONE and will not be changing that for siblings. But I’m EXCITED that you might get siblings. I think that would be a FANTASTIC thing for your family!
Thank you Monica for your kind words, and thanks so much for sharing your story with me. It’s amazing what can happen in a life time — you think it’s going to be one way and then, through heartache and pain and just growing up in general, it becomes something else. I admire you so much! What a huge heart you have. Not so sure about the siblings exactly, but it’s pretty amazing that for a man who has yet to make a decision, he says he would never want to leave a sibling behind and would be open to it. Thanks for reading! and yes, as per your other post, my autograph is forthcoming! ha!
Steph
Thank you Monica for your kind words, and thanks so much for sharing your story with me. It’s amazing what can happen in a life time — you think it’s going to be one way and then, through heartache and pain and just growing up in general, it becomes something else. I admire you so much! What a huge heart you have. Not so sure about the siblings exactly, but it’s pretty amazing that for a man who has yet to make a decision, he says he would never want to leave a sibling behind and would be open to it. Thanks for reading! and yes, as per your other post, my autograph is forthcoming! ha!
Steph
It is good to find someone else at this stage! My blog has, for whatever reason, been very focused on how to do this, what to do, lately–but we are still in the decision making process even as we move the process forward. I guess that’s kind of the way we are–something i’ve been realizing very strongly as this happens. I am the mover and shaker, but my husband is the support for that. He likes my crazy ideas, they have created his life for him, but he needs me to have them.
And we both tend to pretend we haven’t really decided to do something while we come to terms with doing it. Because he has to be 100% with this, cold feet okay but not regrets in the making. ANd so do I.
So I will still be blogging about the decisions at every step. The first social worker visit–that will be a biggie. And there will be another are we really doing this conversation before that happens.
And we might not do it. We really, really might not.
So I am very happy at the prospect of watching you all make the final decision, too! (And three in Brooklyn…well, that’s a decision with a lot of ramifications.)
Lola Granola
(My blogger account isn’t showing up right here–that’s me at lifeamonglessavauge.blogspot.com)
Just a “reply comment!” I sure didn’t mean you should do it our way, only that we’re where you are mentally even as we move things forward! I am looking forward to keeping up with you, too.
Have you found any other good bloggers just starting with the process?
🙂 Lola
Just a “reply comment!” I sure didn’t mean you should do it our way, only that we’re where you are mentally even as we move things forward! I am looking forward to keeping up with you, too.
Have you found any other good bloggers just starting with the process?
🙂 Lola