What happened to my ease and calm from January 15? Where oh where did you go? Yesterday, thinking about adoption gave me such visceral reactions — nerves and fear of the unknown, real thoughts of can I handle this and is this for me?
The days leading up to yesterday felt promising however. I emailed the agency we are currently most interested in — required about specifics, about timing, when to begin the process based on certain parameters too. Her answers felt right, realistic and made Gary, when I read him the email, punch my knuckles. (It’s a happy little thing we do.)
And now here I am with my veins feeling frozen. Is this something that happens to me when I know I am about to take a leap? Perhaps the sick feeling before someone jumps out of a plane even though you booked the flight and WANT this because you know it will change your life and how you will view the world going forward? (not something I would do but just an analogy.) Or is it my gut telling me something else? If this were truly right for me, would this fear and massive cold feet happen at all? I don’t know. Do you?
As I write this, clarity seems to take hold a bit. Writing always does this to me. I have a feeling I may know why I felt the way I did. The past few days I have lost my patience with my kids more than was fair. I have recently been put on new medication to regulate a pituitary gland which went haywire. Perhaps it’s not the right dose or right medication at all. Since taking it, I feel slightly more on edge, and definitely more irritable. Perhaps manic? I’m doing all these creative projects and can’t sleep as deeply.
Maybe during that moment of doubt, I was forgetting that I am still getting this whole hormonal thing worked out — I know it will be worked out. Maybe I was thinking I’m just a nutty mother who will not be able to easily handle three children with a husband who works 6 days a week ans is rarely home for bed times, let alone dinner. Perhaps the fear just got to me.
So today my daughter had an art therapy session. She has had some nervousness which started last year at school and thank god is improving so well as she grows into a little lady. She’s only 5 and a half — and I think she sort of had to grow into her feelings. So I brought her there and decided to join in on the first part of the session — I know Emma gets very upset or frightened when I lose my cool and I want to be able to work it out better on my own. Who would want to be with a wonderful calm mother (I am viewed by so many people as a very calm, gentle person and I think inherently I am!) who becomes the flip side for one moment until it’s out of her system? Granted, these episodes happen during very stressful family situations in which I am handling a lot while my husband is at work and my kids are acting out and making me feel like I’m playing Wack A Mole. Yet still, the ideal mother in me *knows* I could be handling it better.
So the therapist made me feel better, I have to admit. She said “One of the many great things about you is that you own your feelings. So many mothers could have said “but the kids did this and did that” and here you are actively admitting that you are working on this yourself, that it may very well be from this new medication but yet you want to rectify this, and that you are here with your daughter addressing her and letting her know that you are trying to do better.”
I felt like a good mom then, and realized …. this too shall pass. I’ll get myself regulated and my rational thoughts will reign again 😉
I just aired my dirty laundry, but maybe it’s not so dirty after all. Just honest laundry.
S
