2 Steps Forward, 10 Steps Backward … And Eventually 10 Steps Forward Again

I was thinking we were getting to be closer to the same page but then there is a halt in our mental and emotional progress. I have some friends whose intentions are so well meaning, who love me dearly and want the best for us yet stories they have witnessed or heard about adoption have made them fearful. I can not say that their views and fears have not, at times, affected the emotional progress that we have made. I am not saying, speaking for myself, that I agree with their views. And yet. To not have full support, or even moderate support, from the people who are dear to me can be disappointing, at best. On a positive note, I appreciate the “devils advocate” aspect because it only makes me continue plugging along, researching, reading, questioning and in the end, helps me to discover the true path of my convictions.

There will be challenges in all our lives.

Is a biological child a GUARANTEE that everything will go according to plan? Almost every family I know of has experienced their share of black sheep or addiction or mental illness or physical illness or teenage angst. A biological child is not a guarantee at all but you take who you are blessed with and love that child with all you have. The gift is in the giving, not necessarily in what you receive back.

I have been researching so much and have made countless contacts with adoptive parents. All the parents I have met share something very great. Absolute respect for where their child came from, absolute adoration and dedication to bringing this child home and ABSOLUTE OPEN COMMUNICATION FROM DAY ONE about how they came to join their family in such a special way.

I believe that open communication and respect for the child and his differences will help to allay some of the identity issues that may (or may not) come into play later on their life. I have a friend who says he is unbelievably grateful to his parents for adopting him. He has never had a problem growing up knowing he was adopted, no teenage issues to speak of and has never had a problem talking about it with others. I grew up with a friend on my block who was adopted and there was nothing different about her compared with her sister (biological daughter.) I see her all the time now as her daughter goes to my daughter’s school. Another perfectly lovely woman! I say these specificities not to point out how normal these adopted people are, but to point out how normal IN GENERAL they are. Their adoption stories having nothing negative to do with how they lead their lives. In fact, thoughts of or talk of their adoption rarely has come up at all. Not because they are not open with me because certainly they are open to the topic, but more so because their adoption has not defined them in how they live their lives. They are just part of their family. If anything I would imagine it would make them more sensitive and compassionate and perhaps even more thankful, but that is just my own thought.

I feel that there is something about me that makes me suitable to be an adoptive parent. After all, there is the smallest percentage of people in my personal circle who would ever even entertain the idea of it and no one yet in my circle who actually wants to join me in this venture. I am not a romantic about this. I am CERTAIN there will be hard work involved to help our child acclimate, etc, but I am also certain that I am a perfect candidate because I believe in open communication and practice it daily and because I am a firm believer (and practice this in my own life on all levels) of getting outside help and resources when needed — and immediately. I am also hopeful that with the help of a reliable International Adoption specialist on our team, we will avoid many of the high risks associated with these concerns. I believe every single child deserves a family. That is, after all, what this is about fundamentally.

Once again, I received a great letter back from my Georgia friend who thought he was being too harsh on me but in fact was anything but. This is what he had to say:

“You know, Stephanie, a child just needs a family. There is no rule about “looking like” parents to determine successful parent-child interaction! The one problem with the internet is that it has elevated EACH and EVERY opinion to potential “trend” status – in other words, look for a problem in an experience in international adoption you will find it in the millions of postings now available. Ever been to a conference or serve on a panel where you realize that there are true nut cases on it with you? They rant and rave and go on and on about this and that – petty, minor things that they bring up? Well, welcome to the internet. I think that if you are honest with your child from day one that their birth mother was young (you will know such statistics, whether it is accurate or not is another story), and unable to give them what they needed in life – and loved them so much they wanted them to have a better life than she had herself. I bought up a lot of books about the former Soviet Union’s fall, economic disaster and all.

I actually hope that there is a registry one day where birth parents and adopted children from Kazakhstan can reconnect if they want. I want this to quench any thirst that my children have about their past – or whether they have biological siblings. The REALITY, however, is that I have three children whose reality is that they are from Georgia, have two loving parents who would go around the world for them, and who would do anything for them. Whether or not they look like us is not important. I think that a biological child could have feelings that they do not belong – I actually have that experience in my own family with a sister … with her feelings of “not belonging” to our family! Imagine now that an internationally adopted child is reacting only to the symptoms of such a … disorder – and causing millions of potentially wonderful child-family pairings to go unfilled as nervous (understandably) adoptive parents read everything they can find on the internet!

In other words, Steph, at some point you got to go on faith. A faith that you are fulfilling a quest that must be done to complete your family – a gut feeling that you are not complete and that for whatever reason you are being led to one of the farthest places from where you are to fill that void. Once you see that referral, I cannot explain how it all just falls into place. That child becomes YOUR child, and you need to do whatever to bring him home.

I tell you, I had some of these feelings that you are experiencing – and both of us still had lingering worries even as we traveled and met our children! But those babies were depending entirely on us to get our heads in the game and get them to America! There they would have all the chances that life where they were offered so little. In no time, and I mean NO time, look where we are now. I watched my daughter practice for a holiday dance show in town tonight. My son is a whiz at just about everything he does, and our youngest is just eaten up with “cute,” in everything he does. We have talks all the time about how they “did not grow in Mama’s stomach”, and are ready for the next level of questions. I would suggest you befriend some others in Brooklyn who have adopted from Kazkakhstan. There your child will find his “connection”, if he even feels the need for one. We can serve that purpose for you, for that matter! Oddly enough, our oldest children did not seem like they were wallowing in comfort when we were back in Kazakhstan. Sure they were surrounded by people who “looked like” them, but they were in a foreign country, and clung to us closely.

One more thought…As to the grown children who are reacting to looking “different” from their families: They must be reacting to subtle and not-so-subtle reactions from the adoptive family. I can’t imagine how a loving family who are comfortable with themselves would put this on an internationally-adopted child! That child becomes YOUR child. Amazingly, they become so much like you that they become you in a sense …. Some people – some individuals – just have problems with “fitting in”. Add the internet and a convenient “exuse” and probably some unresolved parenting issues and they are scaring away a lot of people from opening up their hearts and homes for a new family member! “

This is from the dad whose family blog I happened to come upon 8 months ago. I feel so very fortunate to have this family on my side now as we continue to explore our options. I also want to share here (because it’s appropos) a comment he left for me earlier on — “The journey is one at once real and transcending. Regardless of whether it is right for you now, or next year, or the year after that, or possibly never, the fact that you minds are considering it at all is a victory for the children and those who care for them who have hope for a forever family.” I appreciate his saying that very much — I appreciate to all those adoptive parents I have spoken to who have also told me not to rush into this, not to push my husband, to be gentle with him, to provide him with information so that we may both come to a decision together. Most of all, I just appreciate the support they gave me for being so bold as to want to open up my heart and home to another child. Not because we feel incomplete but because in fact, we do feel complete and are willing to share our lives with someone else so that they might one day feel this way as well.

Happy Thanksgiving Day! I’m so grateful for all that I have and all that I manifest in my life and so very grateful for my family of 4.

Best,
S

From a speech given by President Theodore Roosevelt in Paris in 1910.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and come short again and again, because there is no effort without great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”