If I listened to all the opinions around me, which range from jubilation to judgement, we would never get to a consensus. That’s if we were asking for one, that is. It is totally up to us, and it is a totally HUGE decision.
Which is why no decision has been made yet.
It is the research itself that makes this a huge part of my inner life. But outwardly my husband and I have done nothing to move this process forward at all nor will we for a long while.
I am someone who researches ad nauseum and is someone for whom, when a decision *is* finally made, I feel COMPLETELY and OVERWHELMINGLY SUPER CONFIDENT in my next steps. That is why recent questions posed to me by well meaning friends have propelled me to delve even a little deeper into various aspects of this journey. And in turn I appreciated the opportunity to ask questions I had not asked before and to research topics that had not previously come up in all my readings. I am not oblivious or in denial to challenges that may (or may not) arise. But to throw in my towel based on other people’s fears is never something that would cross my mind. I haven’t been thinking of this for 17 years for nothing.
I am not a religious person. Spiritual, yes. But I long for the amazing faith of a woman whom I spoke to yesterday. Almost a stranger, I’ve only seen her a few times at my daughter’s soccer games. And yet here we were, along with another mom on the bleachers, discussing our views of G-d and Heaven and faith and beliefs. For almost two hours. It was no ordinary mom conversation and it was especially enjoyed by me. She said something that struck me. “When I have faith, I have never doubted.” She told me I should “pray about it”, pray for G-d to open doors for me or pray for my decision thoughts to be taken out of my head should this really not be the path for me at all.
I have prayed in my life for people to be well, for healing. I have never prayed for answers. But this morning I did. I prayed that soon it will become crystal clear what we were meant to do. I prayed for the faith to know that whatever we decide is what is truly right for our family. When a decision is finally made, whenever that may be, I can assure you, we will have no doubts.
